Welcome
chuckle

November, 2002

Trial By Jury

A judge was hearing a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went into the jury-room to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone waited.

But one hour turned into two hours, and finally after three hours, the judge was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

Evening Ritual

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

The Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Bathroom Scales

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

Two Bagels

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner.

The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door.  He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat.  But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels?  Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man.  "One for me and one for Sherry."

"Sherry is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

IRS Regulations

I had gotten lost in cryptic and ambiguous regulations, and in total desperation called the Internal Revenue service for some explanations.

I got hold of someone thoroughly familiar with the subject of my questions. He gave me complete and helpful answers.

I like to give positive reinforcement when I run across people like that, so I made it a point to say, "Thank you! You have been really informative and helpful."

To which the IRS agent said, "I am sorry."

You Need a Ticket

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."

The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."

"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."

How Far?

Lawyer: "...and how far were you from the scene of the accident."

Witness: "Eight-seven point three-eight feet."

Lawyer: "How is it you can be so exacting with the distance."

Witness: "I went back and measured it, because I knew some fool lawyer would ask that very question."

The Walls of Jericho

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we'll just get three quotes and fix the blasted wall."

Dude Ranch

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. 

The cowboy said "The Western saddle has a horn and the English saddle does not.

"The one without the horn is fine." she replied, "I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Not Good

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Get Milk

A lady went into the grocery store and asked for fifty gallons of milk.

The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my chin."

Gone Shopping

An older woman was cruising around a busy parking lot driving in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space.

Finally, the woman saw someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a car.  She patiently followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out.  Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her.  She was dumbfounded and outraged.

Then the women jumped out of her car shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"

He replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal.  He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it right into his beautiful black Porsche.  He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?"

She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

Just Visiting

The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been trying to hit on her.  She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."

"Ha-ha,"  he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"

"I'm just visiting here."

Stalled

The car stalled at a traffic light and a cop watched from across the street as the vehicle sat through a red, yellow, green, red, yellow, green. Finally, he walked over to the struggling motorist and said,

"What's wrong, sir, don't we have a color you like?"

Minister's Speech

Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following, "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."

Vat A Country

Many years ago, my father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along. As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly asked me questions about products he saw. 

"Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad, pointing at Tang.

I said, "Yah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?", pointing at a box of Carnation.

I said, "Yah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out,

"Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"

My Wife

A wild-looking man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and holding his hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously announced, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," replied the doctor. "Please lie down on the couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, I am the Emperor of France. I have everything I could possibly want. But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring the man. "And what seems to be her problem?"

"For some strange reason she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

Math Test

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.  So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this.  What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
 Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

New Dentures

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.....

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...    ...AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!

Fight Delay

A passenger on a small airline flight said that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:

"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

A Three-Sixty

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

What's In Store

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."

Where Did I Come From?

One day  Little Jennifer went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, where did I come from?"

Her mother stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life.  So, she told Little Jennifer how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. 

As the mother gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When she was finished, Little Jennifer said, "Wow, that's really neat.  That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."

Rescue

The Coast Guard was called out to rescue a small sailboat in trouble. The rescue boat called the foundering vessel on the radio to get the its location: "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"

And the reply came back, "My position? I'm marketing director of a software company in the East Midlands."

Talk About Embarrassed

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. 

Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

My Son

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.' The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.' The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say, 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" 

She replies, "My son is gorgeous, 6' 2" and hard bodied. When he walks into a room people say, 'Oh my God'!

Hunger

I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, "Man ! I hope I never get that hungry."

Out of Gas

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"