November 30, 2001
tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a
friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad,
but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
November 29, 2001
teacher posed this problem, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million
dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his
son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each
student answered, "A lawyer!"
November 28, 2001
The Board of
Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to
tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any
1. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard
off a wreaking dead animal from a hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho
November 27, 2001
There was a woman of
questionable intelligence driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A
police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped,
the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of
such a license."
To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary
license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here:
'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
November 26, 2001
A husband was
standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, his wife said,
"I don't think that is going to help much, hon."
"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the
November 25, 2001
arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club
next to her body.
They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Did you kill her?"
"Yes, he replied."
"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that
"Yes," he replied, "...but can you put me down for a
November 24, 2001
then she hit me!
A little old man was
escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to
explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to
the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from
the center of our dining room table."
November 23, 2001
The man looked a
little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so
the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember
where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really
need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay
me in advance."
November 22, 2001
does a turkey say?
gobble, gobble?" ....... Not always!
What does ...
A jewelry-lovin' turkey:
"Bauble bauble bauble"
A dyslexic turkey say?
"Boggle Boggle Boggle"
A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?
"Cobble cobble cobble"
A turkey who was an old-time movie fan say?
"Gable, Gable, Gable!"
A turkey with a sore throat say?
"Gargle Gargle Gargle"
A turkey with a sore leg say?
"Hobble hobble hobble."
A football turkey say?
"Huddle, huddle, huddle"
A dieting turkey:
"Nibble, nibble nibble."
A one-legged Cockney turkey
"'Obble 'Obble 'Obble"
A turkey who argues a lot:
"Squabble squabble squabble."
What does Dr. Seuss' turkey say?
"Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble
November 21, 2001
A man goes into an ice cream parlor
and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our
delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of
chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN,
as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
November 17, 2001
A young man called
his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of
his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother suggested, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the
card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came
to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on
washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
November 16, 2001
Heaven and Earth
Near the end of a
particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat
shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to
break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the
November 15, 2001
A man was sitting
down watching his TV. one evening, when he heard a loud knocking on his
door. Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to answer it. There,
standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to beat him up. The
next evening, there was the same knocking at the door.
Cautiously the man answered the door. Again, there was the beetle, and the
same thing happened. The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts
and bruises and explained the whole situation to his Doc.
said the doctor, looking at his wounds, "I'd heard there was a nasty
bug going around!"
November 14, 2001
A clergyman awoke one
morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got
there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation
department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed
able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked
what should be done.
The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked.
"You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."
The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I
should at least notify the next-of-kin."
November 13, 2001
Parking spaces near
our seaside cottage are at a premium, and the street is often crowded with
cars. One day our neighbor put a sign: NO PARKING HERE.
Later he added another: NO TURNING IN DRIVEWAY.
Finally, he added a third: NO CUTTING THROUGH THE YARD.
That's when the neighbor across the street put up his own sign:
AND DON'T COME OVER HERE
November 12, 2001
A farmer got pulled
over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says,
"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle
flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a
The trooper says,
"Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he
stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
November 11, 2001
explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw,
to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you,
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young son
has begun drum lessons."
November 10, 2001
A college student in
a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a
question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an
The student received an "A" on the exam.
November 9, 2001
My mom admitted to
being a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and
said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I
married a college graduate."
November 8, 2001
Jennifer visited a
psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
November 7, 2001
News, Bad News
Jim and Mary
were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered
her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be
When he went
to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump
in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
The bad news
is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
November 6, 2001
Farmer wins the ten
million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to
do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait"
November 5, 2001
While the brokers were
busily calling potential customers to drum up business, the president of the
firm stopped to eavesdrop on a new employee. He listened as the young man
talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him.
The boss approached the
young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say I'm impressed
with your ability. Where did you learn so much about talking to
the young man answered.
Impressed, the boss said,
"Oh, that's fine, just fine. And what's your name?"
November 4, 2001
Every evening, a
mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his
prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy
said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to
keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in
November 3, 2001
Adam is a young
single man and attends a family wedding.
At the wedding he meets relatives that he hasn't seen for years. One of his
elderly Aunties, Aunt Betty, walks over to him and gives him a hug and says,
"You'll be next my love."
Four years pass by and another family wedding occurs. The same Auntie says
to him, "You'll be next my love."
By this time Adam is getting quite annoyed by his Aunt Betty's words, as he
doesn't want to get married. He really wants to come up with some sort of
Five years pass on, and this time one of his Uncles has died. He attends his
funeral and sees Aunt Betty standing talking to other relations. He walks up
to her and says, "You'll be next my love."
November 2, 2001
The tiresome jury
selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing
potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
November 1, 2001
On a trip to Enseņada,
Mexico, for the day, my friends and I started to park in front of some
interesting-looking shops. A little boy ran over to us and said,
"Seņora, I watch your car, fifty cent!"
I asked him to wait "un momento" and entered a shop to ask the
owner in Spanish about the young lad. He explained to me, "You
give him the fifty cents, he runs off. You don't, he steals your