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chuckle

November, 2000

Success is...

 At Age 4...................Success is........not peeing in your pants.

At Age 12.................Success is........having friends

At Age 16.................Success is........Having a Driver's License

At Age 20.................Success is........Having Sex

At Age 35.................Success is........Having money

At Age 50.................Success is........Having money

At Age 60.................Success is........Having Sex

At Age 70.................Success is........Having a Driver's License

At Age 75.................Success is........Having friends

At Age 80.................Success is........Not peeing your pants

Expert Advice

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove,  table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

Getting Even With Telemarketers

When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

Sunday,  November 26, 2000

Making It Big

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas.  He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.  He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story.  He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.  After months of speaking, a man in the  audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man.  I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for.  I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

Learning A Lesson

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."
And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

O. J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

President Bill Clinton:
That depends on what your definition of the word "cross" is.

Vibrations

Back in the days of the Wild West, two cowboys were riding from Laramie to Dodge City when they happened upon an old Indian on the trail.  The Indian was lying on his side with his ear to the ground and one cowboy said to the other, "You've got to respect these Indians.  When they do that they can tell what's coming for miles in all directions."
As the cowboys passed close to the Indian, they heard him say in a low voice, "Stagecoach, loaded with gold for Fort Wilson, 6 horses in team, 1 broken spoke in left rear wheel, driver red-haired with bushy mustache."
One of the cowboys, beaming with admiration, said, "Wow! You can tell all that just from the vibrations in the ground?"
"No," said the Indian.  "It run me over half-hour ago!"

Sleeping Like A Baby

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. Joe went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he was worried.
His advisor replied, "I sleep like a baby."
Joe was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations in the market?"
His advisor said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

A Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will  react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"
 He now works for an internet company, writing error messages.

Golf With The Preacher

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Quickie Collection

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroid's

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang!  Whack.

What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Skeet.

What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Top 10 Sign You're In For A Long Sunday Sermon

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only July!

The Undertakers

Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight.

Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.

When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."

New Knowledge

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

The Last Word

Two husbands were discussing their married lives.  Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.  Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery.  I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
 
"It's easy," replied Chad.  "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

Three Psychiatrists

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Playing It Safe

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

Biblical Rule

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.   You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."

Relatives?

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied,  "In-laws."

George 
"A Classic"

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

3 Little Pigs

Once upon a time in New Jersey there were 3 little pigs, the straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. 
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the homeless straw pig in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in.
The wolf caught up with them at the brick pig's house and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared, but the brick pig calmly picked up the phone and called a friend.
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden a big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin-striped suits and fedoras. The huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living hell out of him. Next, one of them pulled out a gun and fired it right into the wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were shocked and amazed as they asked the brick pig, " Who the hell were those  guys???!!!!"
The brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins...... the Guinea Pigs."

Crossing The Jordan

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally George Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist.
George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he  ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprised registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

The Career Test...

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.  They decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.    

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a Businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.

The son saw the items they had left.  As they watched he took the ten dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.  Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said...

"Darn... Our son is going to be a politician!"

A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar).  At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping.  The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.  When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."

Forgot His Ticket

 Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out and gave her a passionate hug. 
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said.  "John won't be here for breakfast
tomorrow."

Do You Remember?

How Many do you remember? Start Counting

01. Candy cigarettes

02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

03. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

04. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes

05. Blackjack chewing gum

06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers

07. Party lines

08. News reels before the movies

09. P. F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ILinois 8 7549)

12. Pea shooters

13. Howdy Dowdy

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi’s

17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flash bulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork pop guns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0 to 5, you are still young

If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older

If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt (or as old as FrankieG)

The Last Night

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . ."

He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night."

Thursday,  November 2, 2000

Horse Sense

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Good News and Bad News

David Duke, former leader of the white supremacist organization the Ku Klux Klan, died and was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"David," said St. Peter, "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.  Which news do you want first?"

David Duke replied, "Give me the bad news."

"The bad news is that God disagrees with your racist opinions. Heaven is completely integrated; we have Jews, Catholics, blacks and all different kinds of people living up here."

"Okay.  What's the good news?"

"The good news," St. Peter smiled, "is that you won't have to worry about that where you're going."