November 30, 2000
Age 4...................Success is........not peeing in your pants.
At Age 12.................Success is........having friends
At Age 16.................Success is........Having a Driver's License
At Age 20.................Success is........Having Sex
At Age 35.................Success is........Having money
At Age 50.................Success is........Having money
At Age 60.................Success is........Having Sex
At Age 70.................Success is........Having a Driver's License
At Age 75.................Success is........Having friends
At Age 80.................Success is........Not peeing your pants
November 29, 2000
efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I
suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes
to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
November 28, 2000
Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me
It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better
off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
November 27, 2000
Even With Telemarketers
they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you
asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for
as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as
she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if
they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
November 26, 2000
is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and
has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall
happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.
He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small
winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he
tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally
grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his
fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience
jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left
the door open!"
November 25, 2000
six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his
"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."
November 24, 2000
Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken
depends upon your frame of reference.
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.
To die. In the rain.
I missed one?
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road."
And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
O. J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
President Bill Clinton:
That depends on what your definition of the word "cross" is.
November 23, 2000
in the days of the Wild West, two cowboys were riding from Laramie to Dodge
City when they happened upon an old Indian on the trail. The Indian
was lying on his side with his ear to the ground and one cowboy said to the
other, "You've got to respect these Indians. When they do that
they can tell what's coming for miles in all directions."
As the cowboys passed close to the Indian, they heard him say in a low
voice, "Stagecoach, loaded with gold for Fort Wilson, 6 horses in team,
1 broken spoke in left rear wheel, driver red-haired with bushy
One of the cowboys, beaming with admiration, said, "Wow! You can tell
all that just from the vibrations in the ground?"
"No," said the Indian. "It run me over half-hour
November 22, 2000
Like A Baby
the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened
a lot of small investors. Joe went to his financial adviser at the bank and
asked if he was worried.
His advisor replied, "I sleep like a baby."
Joe was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations in
His advisor said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and
cry for a couple of hours."
November 21, 2000
once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a
truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in
pain and anger!"
He now works for an internet company, writing error messages.
November 20, 2000
With The Preacher
tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with
his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a
sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he
in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss
At one point
during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to
November 19, 2000
How Do You
Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
November 18, 2000
10 Sign You're In For A Long Sunday Sermon
There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!)
extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher
turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super
bowl" but it's only July!
November 17, 2000
Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to
place it in an area out of sight.
Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left
for Mal to take care of.
When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is
for Mal to hide."
November 16, 2000
Ole and Lena
had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had
not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived
together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an
annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge
demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just
learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."
November 15, 2000
were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they
admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said,
"I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always
'Yes, Dear.' "
November 14, 2000
attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one
says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't
we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm
a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients
as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I
frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard
I try, I just can't keep a secret."
November 13, 2000
was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I
ought to aggravate anybody!"
November 12, 2000
A young boy had
just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the
His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up,
studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long
hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
November 11, 2000
drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
November 10, 2000
George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you
doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you
have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in
the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator
November 9, 2000
Once upon a
time in New Jersey there were 3 little pigs, the straw pig, the stick pig
and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So
the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let
me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let
the homeless straw pig in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down!" And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went
running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf
just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them
The wolf caught up with them at the brick pig's house and said "I'm
gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing
and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared, but the brick
pig calmly picked up the phone and called a friend.
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden a big, black stretch limo drove up.
Out came two massive pigs in pin-striped suits and fedoras. The huge pigs
came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living hell
out of him. Next, one of them pulled out a gun and fired it right into the
wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and
The straw pig and the stick pig were shocked and amazed as they asked the
brick pig, " Who the hell were those guys???!!!!"
The brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins...... the Guinea
November 8, 2000
Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush died and found themselves standing on the
other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the
three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught each
of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying,
"Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins
on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to
determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally George Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out
into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher,
reaching to his waist.
George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to
haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.
Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the
river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him
to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of
surprised registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of
the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a
friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm
standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
November 7, 2000
older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were
a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.
They decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on
the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a
Businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the
bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through
the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the items they had left. As they watched he took the ten
dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After
that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed
the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he
left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his
forehead, and said...
"Darn... Our son is going to be a politician!"
November 6, 2000
found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest
milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and
4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and
tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick
breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the
food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their
breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt
toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that
toast, he is black toast intolerant."
November 5, 2000
for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his
house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He
turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked
into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her
skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached
out and gave her a passionate hug.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "John won't be
here for breakfast
November 4, 2000
How Many do you
remember? Start Counting
coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
03. Soda pop
machines that dispensed glass bottles
04. Coffee shops
with tableside juke boxes
06. Home milk
delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers
07. Party lines
08. News reels
before the movies
09. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
numbers with a word prefix (ILinois 8 7549)
12. Pea shooters
13. Howdy Dowdy
14. 45 RPM
17. Metal ice
cube trays, with levers
19. Blue flash
20. Beanie and
21. Roller skate
22. Cork pop
25. Wash tub
remembered 0 to 5, you are still young
remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older
remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt (or as old as FrankieG)
November 3, 2000
One night, a guy
walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for
another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . ."
He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night."
November 2, 2000
drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came
to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the
horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
November 1, 2000
News and Bad News
David Duke, former
leader of the white supremacist organization the Ku Klux Klan, died and was met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"David," said St. Peter, "I've got some good news and I've got
some bad news. Which news do you want first?"
David Duke replied, "Give me the bad news."
"The bad news is that God disagrees with your racist opinions. Heaven is
completely integrated; we have Jews, Catholics, blacks and all different kinds
of people living up here."
"Okay. What's the good news?"
"The good news," St. Peter smiled, "is that you won't have to
worry about that where you're going."