Welcome
chuckle

October, 2002

The Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. 

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled.  "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Change Your Course!
- A Classic

On a foggy night at sea, the ship's captain saw what appeared to be the lights of another ship heading toward him.  He instructed his signalman to contact the other ship by signal light.  He sent the message, "Change your course ten degrees to the north."

The reply came, "Change YOUR course ten degrees to the south!"

The captain responded, "I am a captain.  Change YOUR course ten degrees to the north."

Response:  "I am a seaman first class.  You change YOUR course ten degrees to the south."

The captain was furious.  He had his signalman reply, "I am a battleship!  YOU change your course ten degrees to the north."

Reply:  "I am a lighthouse!  You change YOUR course ten degrees to the south!"

Order!

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." 

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Arctic Life

During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door flew open and a soldier rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!

Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, don't tell me! Go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"

A Wise Guy

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

 Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now  often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi,  Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

 Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought  I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar  clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

 The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would  you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Not Me!

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Cousin Elly

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.  When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.  It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.   Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Talk About Prominent!

A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.

One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang.

His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

Wednesday,  October 23, 2002

New Minister

The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit.  As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.

After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"

"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."

Sneaking Out

A businessman who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers only that he was away from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," said the exasperated golfer, "Is he five miles away at Graystone or ten miles away at White Mountain Country Club?"

Careful What You Wish For

One day this guy was walking through the woods and he finds a genie lamp.
He rubbed the lamp and a genie came out and granted him 3 wishes.

The guy said "I wish I had hair like John Travolta".  He got hair like John Travolta.

The next wish was "I wish I had a red convertible."  He got a red convertible.

The next day, the guy was driving through the woods singing "I wish I were and Oscar Meyer wiener...

Not Necessarily

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had five dollars," said the teacher, "and I asked you for the loan of three dollars, how much would you have left?" 

"Five," said Little Johnny firmly.

"Five?" the teacher said "How do you make it five?" 

"Well," replied Little Johnny "You may ask for a loan of three dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it."

Terrible News

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.

"Well, what is it, Mary?" asked Father O'Grady.

"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father," said Mary.

"Oh, Mary," said the father. "That's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?" said the Father.

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

A Wealth, Wisdom Or Beauty

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. 

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. 

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers to him, "Say something." 

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Conducting Music

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers.  He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Redneck Joke

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Snobby Friends

After taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our group waited patiently to get to the wine-tasting counter.  That was not easy, since a man ahead of us was hogging all the samples as well as the attention of the salesperson. 

Finally it seemed that he was winding down, as he asked the salesperson, "What should I take back to my snobby friends in California?"  That's when my wife said, "How about the bus?"

Basic Math

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. When the teacher called on him for the answer, he said:

"A lawyer!"

The Leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

Corporate Fitness Program

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"

Parachutes

A guy jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back.  As he's falling he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes really, but as the earth rapidly approaches he realizes his options are limited, he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock.
At 5000 feet another guy goes shooting up past him! Desperate, our man with the chute looks up and yells, "Do you know anything about parachutes?!" 

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "NO, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

Quarter Horse

One evening while she was preparing dinner, her young daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words.  "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"

As she thought of a simple explanation, her five-year-old son piped up, "I know!  It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they'll speak with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Grounded

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5 p.m. One day about 4:30 I decided to check up on him.

Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!"

"Hi, Mrs. "F"," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's busy doing his homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."

Not A Shining Light

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

A Shining Light

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the
perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining
light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, entertain and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard her and spoke up, "My dear, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Poker Game

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

World's Funniest Joke -- Official

LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" 

About Their Wives

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God."

"She thinks you're God?  What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

Taking Advantage

A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic. When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?"

Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness.  I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid."

Visiting Grandma

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed?"