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October, 2001

The Proper Sentence

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

Kevin

Kevin is very attentive when he goes out on a date, he took a lady out to see "Unbreakable", he was overheard to say:

        Kevin in movie: "Can you see, dear ?
        Date: "Yes"
        Kevin: "Is your seat comfortable ?"
        Date: "Yes"
        Kevin: "Is there a draft on you ?"
        Date: "No"
        Kevin: "Good !  Let's change seats."

OUCH!!!

 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.

 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 6. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Like The Preacher Said...

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him,  "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen,"  the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.  "All you have to do is add it up,  like the preacher said:  'Four better,  four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "

He Don't Look Too Good

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field.  He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.

"Afraid not," said the farmer.

"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

"I can't sell you that horse.  He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

"I know horses and he looks fine.  I'll give you two thousand!"

"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped.  "You sold me a blind horse!"

"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

Must Be A Saint

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful.  Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Not in the slightest."

Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"

To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."

Nocturnal Omission

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

Minister To The Fallen

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter.

"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

A New Approach

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living?  Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

Bravery

Two generals, one from the Army, and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

To Protect and Serve

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," he said.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Taking a Message

The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. The man calling identified himself as Colonel Hendrick.

She asked if he would please spell the name slowly. He said: "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite."

When her father returned, the message on the desk read: "Daddy, please call Indian warrior Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."

Friday,  October 19, 2001

Money's Worth

Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town, passed away. His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"

"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."

Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."

The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."

"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."

Watch Your Step

The two men were drunk after the annual college dinner and wanted to leave the hotel.
  
Chris stopped someone, "Look, pops, how do ya get out of here?"
  
The porter pointed along the passage.  "Turn right at the next passage and go down two steps and you'll be in the main hall."

They staggered on together; but turned left and fell down the elevator shaft to the basement.
  
As they sorted themselves out, Randy rolled over.
  
"Look, Chris.  If that guy thinks I'm going down the other step, he's crazy!"

The Worst That Could Happen

"Cash, check, or charge?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."

Back from Africa

Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from  his Africa trip. Apparently he picked up a strange, life-threatening disease in one of the villages.

He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He went under the knife in the early morning, and when he awoke, he saw that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark.

"Why are the curtains closed?" the President asked the Secret Service agent
sitting beside his bed, "Is it night already?"

"No, Sir," the agent said, "There is a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you waking up and looking out the  window and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Judge Not

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Regrets

A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.

The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn't want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"

The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."

Morris

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Doctor's Orders

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. 

"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend.  "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it.  He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."

"What about your wife?" the friend asked.  "What did you buy her?"
  
"A new lawn mower," the golfer said.

The Tickets

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.
 
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
 
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
 
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed forlornly. "I left the tickets on it."

Rescue Anne

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, seniors were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Each group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice.  As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?"  He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed,

"She said she can't feel her legs!"

Dinner

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

THE GREAT WALL
An American Dream

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam", asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

 The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

Sunday,  October 7, 2001

Hog Caller

A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.  Under his name badge they printed,  "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.

The Pastor responded by saying, " I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the ship'...

...but you know your people better than I do."

Jack Benny and George Burns

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.
"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."
"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."
"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."
When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."
"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"
"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

The Test

Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!

Unlicensed Dogs

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.  When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.  "Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one.  I always do the driving."

As He Saw It

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill.  Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

The Ad

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you did want somebody with imagination."