September 30, 2001
News vs. Terrible News
This guy was sitting
in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the
terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't
wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
September 29, 2001
His wife had just
bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her
looks years longer.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the
"miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned
to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon,
judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your
"Oh, you're so sweet!"
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
September 28, 2001
They've closed a road to repair a
collapsed sewer-pipe near where I live.
The actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, so a lot
of drivers go to see if the road is really closed and then have to turn in
the narrow road.
Their embarrassment is made worse by the back of the "ROAD CLOSED"
sign, which reads: "TOLD YOU SO!"
September 27, 2001
Men and women have
two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the
morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at
The wife to be on the
other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins
to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind
she is repeating what she has to do.
"All I have to
do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to
three words which she continues to repeat..
"Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."
September 26, 2001
I bought my girlfriend a
mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
September 25, 2001
something now called Marriage Anonymous. It's like a marriage "Test
feel like getting married, you call somebody and they send over a man in a
dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and
whines at you to make him a snack while he lies on the couch, emits various
bodily gases and their accompanying noises, and watches football.
September 24, 2001
When the pastor of a
rural Tennessee church died, the congregation insisted that my uncle, the most
senior deacon, take over until a replacement could be found. My uncle
approached the first Sunday's service reluctantly, expecting a lot of criticism
at his feeble efforts to fill the pastor's shoes. He did not, however,
"How many of you have brought a pencil?" he asked immediately before
services. Hands went up all over the auditorium.
"And a piece of paper?" he continued. Envelopes, cards and
grocery lists were waved aloft.
"Good!" he exclaimed. "We are going to have a contest. I
want you to listen very carefully this morning for any mistake I might make and
write it down. Don't hold anything back. The more critical the list
the better. The lists will be taken up at the end of the service."
He then fixed the congregation with a stern gaze and paused for effect.
"And the one who has made the longest list," he pronounced, "will
win the Grand Prize -- of getting to preach next Sunday."
September 23, 2001
School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a
little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis
on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called
on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his
hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew
Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?!'"
September 22, 2001
A young man who
was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
He figured that if he played quickly, he could get in nine holes before he had
to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled
onto the tee and asked if he could play along. Not being able to say not,
he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far,
but he plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally,
they reached the tough shot. There was s a large pine tree directly in
front of him, and between his ball and the green. After several minutes of
watching the young man debate how to hit the shot, the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball
up, and right smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back to the
ground not a foot from its original spot. The old man offered one more
comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three
September 21, 2001
did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.
It was a moment for
which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living
room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all
they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and
reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit.
I want to know where I came from."
September 20, 2001
the Mouths of Babes
of July was coming up and the nursery-school teacher took the opportunity to
tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said.
"One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country,
we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood
with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four...."
September 19, 2001
Mice and Men
A wife was berating her
husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the
least bit afraid of a mouse."
September 18, 2001
My son Earl is a
construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to
break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He
received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then he
noticed his co-workers holding up hastily-made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.
September 17, 2001
veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor
was asking her all the usual questions - the symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc. - when she interrupted him. "You know, I'm a
veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients all of these questions. I
can usually tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?,"
she asked, a little smugly.
The doctor said, "Hmmm, you make an interesting point." So
he stood up, looked her up and down, and poked her once in the arm and again
in the leg. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her
and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if this doesn't work,
then I'll have to put you to sleep."
September 16, 2001
When I went to get my
driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally
got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay.
That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
September 15, 2001
When my sister teased
her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her
kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.
"No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only
interested in one thing."
Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be.
"Pokemon cards, of course," said the toddler.
September 12, 2001
A 4-year-old boy who
was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members
bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all
his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy,
brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he
began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry
sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone
waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his
mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that
September 11, 2001
having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a
similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this
decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday
morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the
congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church
many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
September 10, 2001
patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office,
running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't
remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't
remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down and lets take it from the beginning.. First, how long have
you been like this?"
The patient stared at the doctor in puzzlement, then asked "Like
September 9, 2001
proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner
asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Ok. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave
you after my wedding last year?"
September 8, 2001
The pro football
team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came
strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and
demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after
pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does
the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
September 7, 2001
The Mouths of Babes
Every evening, a
mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his
prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer,
the little boy said this:
"Now I lay me
down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I
wake...... can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
September 6, 2001
Dr Gordon was a guest
at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which
he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you
detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied. "You ask him a
simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he
hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
world and died during one of them. Which one?' "
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't
know much about history."
September 5, 2001
stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, the Flight Instructor
said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, a lone student remained at
The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just
raised a single eyebrow.
smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
September 4, 2001
An old lady had always
wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she
would really like to do so before she died.
But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going
in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk.
"Raise your right hand, please."
The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all
its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small
voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"
September 3, 2001
One day during cooking
class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect
sauces. When she ordered the class to the stoves to prepare the days
assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As one woman stirred her sauce, she contemplated the physics behind the mystery
of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat
conduction. She approached Mrs. Jones to test her theory. "Why wooden
spoons?" she asked.
"Because," Mrs. Jones replied, "if I have to sit here listening
to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."
September 2, 2001
was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed
Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After
several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?" Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or
putting it back, but we're making it wider."
September 1, 2001
Arriving early at the
office one morning a secretary noticed that someone had left the lid to the
copy machine open. She closed the lid and settled in for the workday. Over
the next few weeks she found someone was continually leaving the lid up.
Finally she caught
the guilty party, surprised that she hadn't figured it out before. The
culprit was Richard, the only male on the staff.