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chuckle

September, 2001

Bad News vs. Terrible News

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Miracle Cosmetics

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.  Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty.  Your hair, mmmm, eighteen.  Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

Road Closed

They've closed a road to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe near where I live.

The actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, so a lot of drivers go to see if the road is really closed and then have to turn in the narrow road.

Their embarrassment is made worse by the back of the "ROAD CLOSED" sign, which reads: "TOLD YOU SO!"

Remembering

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do.

"All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat..
"Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."

Mood Ring

I bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.

When she's in a good mood it turns green.

When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

Marriage Anonymous

They have something now called Marriage Anonymous. It's like a marriage "Test Drive". 

When you feel like getting married, you call somebody and they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack while he lies on the couch, emits various bodily gases and their accompanying noises, and watches football.

Casting Stones

When the pastor of a rural Tennessee church died, the congregation insisted that my uncle, the most senior deacon, take over until a replacement could be found.  My uncle approached the first Sunday's service reluctantly, expecting a lot of criticism at his feeble efforts to fill the pastor's shoes.  He did not, however, come unprepared.

"How many of you have brought a pencil?" he asked immediately before services.  Hands went up all over the auditorium.

"And a piece of paper?" he continued.  Envelopes, cards and grocery lists were waved aloft.

"Good!" he exclaimed.  "We are going to have a contest. I want you to listen very carefully this morning for any mistake I might make and write it down.  Don't hold anything back.  The more critical the list the better. The lists will be taken up at the end of the service."

He then fixed the congregation with a stern gaze and paused for effect.  "And the one who has made the longest list," he pronounced, "will win the Grand Prize -- of getting to preach next Sunday."

In the Bathroom?

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know!  He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. 

Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?!'"

Trees

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.  He figured that if he played quickly, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.  Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could play along.  Not being able to say not, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but he plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.  Finally, they reached the tough shot.  There was s a large pine tree directly in front of him, and between his ball and the green.  After several minutes of watching the young man debate how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, and right smack into the top of the tree trunk.  It thudded back to the ground not a foot from its original spot.  The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."

Jumping the Gun

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

From the Mouths of Babes

The fourth of July was coming up and the nursery-school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said.

"One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four...."

Of Mice and Men

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."

The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

Scaffold vs. Score

My son Earl is a construction foreman.  One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down.  He received only minor scratches.

Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working.  Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily-made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4. - RD

The Vet

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.  The doctor was asking her all the usual questions - the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc. - when she interrupted him.  "You know, I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients all of these questions. I can usually tell what's wrong just by looking.  Why can't you?," she asked, a little smugly.

The doctor said, "Hmmm, you make an interesting point."  So he stood up, looked her up and down, and poked her once in the arm and again in the leg.  He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if this doesn't work, then I'll have to put you to sleep."

Grouch

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

One Thing

When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing."

Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be.

"Pokemon cards, of course," said the toddler.

Giving Thanks

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

What A Friend

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Memory Lapse

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office,
running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down and lets take it from the beginning.. First, how long have you been like this?"

The patient stared at the doctor in puzzlement, then asked "Like what?"

Profiting from Others

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"Ok.  In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

Sign Up

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

From The Mouths of Babes

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer,
the little boy said this: 

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake...... can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"

Mental Deficiency

Dr Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied.  "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble.  If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?' "

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Fall Out

As they stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, the Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, a lone student remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. 

The student smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

Traveling Abroad

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"  

Wooden Spoons

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.  When she ordered the class to the stoves to prepare the days assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As one woman stirred her sauce, she contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. She approached Mrs. Jones to test her theory. "Why wooden spoons?" she asked.

"Because," Mrs. Jones replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

One Viewpoint

Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm.  He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing.  After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.

"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?" Grandma asked.

Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting it back, but we're making it wider."

The Culprit

Arriving early at the office one morning a secretary noticed that someone had left the lid to the copy machine open. She closed the lid and settled in for the workday. Over the next few weeks she found someone was continually leaving the lid up.  

Finally she caught the guilty party, surprised that she hadn't figured it out before.  The culprit was Richard, the only male on the staff.