Friday, September 29, 2000
applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the
The bandage was wound around the wound.
Thursday, September 28, 2000
There was an old man who went into
a brickyard and asked for one thousand bricks.
Wednesday, September 27, 2000
It was 3:00 AM and two bats were hanging inside
their cave when one bat says to the other "How about we go out and find us
some fresh blood for a late night snack?"
Tuesday, September 26, 2000
We are not to run in class even when the teacher don't see us because even if the teacher don't see us, Jesus can and He might tell the principal.
Now I'm a child but one day I'll be a man or a woman.
According to some people's beliefs, there is something between heaven and hell. It's called pubertory.
I'm not gonna fight with my sister any more unless she fights with me first or makes me mad or if I feel like it.
Monday, September 25, 2000
A man went to the police station demanding to speak
to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the
Police arrested two teems yesterday. One was eating fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other off.
Sunday, September 24, 2000
A psychology professor and a history professor are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony watching the sunset. The historian says to the psychologist, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replies. "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
...you help your dog chase it's tail.
...you can jump start your car without cables.
...you chew on other people's fingernails.
...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
...you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.
...you ski uphill.
...Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
Saturday, September 23, 2000
Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
Friday, September 22, 2000
Overheard Comments At Our Local Retirement Home
You're getting old when you don't care where
your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Thursday, September 21, 2000
Guido: My neighbor's mad because my dog knows
how to fetch the evening paper.
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in
school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said,
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better
grades . . .
Wednesday, September 20, 2000
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
Tuesday, September 19, 2000
Benny had told all his friends about the
delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancy Street restaurant the day
Monday, September 18, 2000
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a
roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway
through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded,
Sunday, September 17, 2000
A man was woken one morning at four o'clock by his
Saturday, September 16, 2000
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker
were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to
them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're
going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news
is that you get to choose how you die."
The chief is appalled, and screams, "What
are you doing?!"
Friday, September 15, 2000
I've made up my mind what we'll call the
baby," the young mother announced. "We'll call her Eulalia."
Thursday, September 14, 2000
" Did you hear that Doctor Giovanni got in a fight with his girlfriend?"
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy
for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it
few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and
stunning the man with the backwards coat.
when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby:
the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time
I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
William Penn (of Pennsylvania fame) had two aunts who owned a bakery in colonial Philadelphia. Their bakery was renown for their mouth-watering pies and pastries. They had a very successful business going, until a family of rats settled in their cellar. These rats ate their pies faster than they could bake them, and put the bakery out of business in less than a week’s time. You probably never heard of "Two Sisters Bakery." But everyone has heard of the "Pie Rats of Penn's Aunts."
Monday, September 11, 2000
Johnny walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.
why are you checking it out?"
said Johnny, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting moths
Sunday, September 10, 2000
came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the
said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of
said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole
said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"
Saturday, September 9, 2000
ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks
by and asks him what's wrong.
his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five
wrong with that?" asks the young man.
the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast
and kisses me and tells me she loves me ...
at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my
favorite meal. In the afternoon
when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could
want. And then after a gourmet
supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
young man puts his arm around him. "Oh,
I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I
Friday, September 8, 2000
woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall
parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop
lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all
Thursday, September 7, 2000
big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck
and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick
lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could
easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose
off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Wednesday, September 6,
and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to
America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to
apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.
several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four
younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an
they had looked most of the morning, they found
a place that was just right.
landlord asked the usual question: "How
many children do you have?"
answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but
four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
got the apartment.
September 5, 2000
sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey,
I can't do both!"
friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest
remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Friday, September 1, 2000
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a
terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and
fell in love.