Welcome
chuckle
September, 2000
Friday, September 29, 2000
The
applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the
application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't
answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained
that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in
a public function when the platform gave way.'"
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1)
The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Thursday, September 28, 2000
There was an old man who went into
a brickyard and asked for one thousand bricks.
The guy at the brick yard took the old man down to the shed, and asked him,
"What do you need one thousand bricks for?"
The old man said, "I'm building a BBQ.”
Curious, the guy asked, "Why do you need one thousand bricks?"
“I live on the 15th floor!"
Wednesday, September 27, 2000
It was 3:00 AM and two bats were hanging inside
their cave when one bat says to the other "How about we go out and find us
some fresh blood for a late night snack?"
"Where are we gonna find blood at this time of night?" asked the other
bat.
"OK", said the first, "I'll go alone."
About a half hour later the first bat returns with fresh blood dripping from
it's mouth and all over it's body.
"WOW", said the second bat, "Where did you find all that fresh
blood?"
"You see that tree over there?" asked the first bat.
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
Tuesday, September 26, 2000
We are not to run in class even when the teacher don't see us because even if the teacher don't see us, Jesus can and He might tell the principal.
Now I'm a child but one day I'll be a man or a woman.
According to some people's beliefs, there is something between heaven and hell. It's called pubertory.
I'm not gonna fight with my sister any more unless she fights with me first or makes me mad or if I feel like it.
Monday, September 25, 2000
A man went to the police station demanding to speak
to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.
"Relax", said the desk Sergeant, "You'll get your chance in
court."
"You don't understand", said the man, "I want to know how he got
into the house in the middle of the night without waking my wife. I've been
trying to do that for years!"
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the
same time.
"Pull over!" he said.
"No officer, it's a scarf."
Police arrested two teems yesterday. One was eating fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other off.
Sunday, September 24, 2000
A psychology professor and a history professor are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony watching the sunset. The historian says to the psychologist, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replies. "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
...you help your dog chase it's tail.
...you can jump start your car without cables.
...you chew on other people's fingernails.
...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
...you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.
...you ski uphill.
...Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
Saturday, September 23, 2000
The OTHER things you don't want to hear during surgery
*
Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
* Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
* What's this doing here?
* I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
* Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
* I sure wish I had my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
* Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
* Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
* Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* What do you mean you want a divorce?
Friday, September 22, 2000
Overheard Comments At Our Local Retirement Home
You're getting old when you don't care where
your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every
man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to
grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that
will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only
thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action," means I don't need to take
a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and
you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet, if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient, I have good news and bad news - the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Thursday, September 21, 2000
Guido: My neighbor's mad because my dog knows
how to fetch the evening paper.
Tony: Why would that make your neighbor angry?
Guido: I don't subscribe to the paper.
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in
school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said,
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better
grades . . .
somebody is going to get a spanking !"
Wednesday, September 20, 2000
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for
a jar of olives."
Tuesday, September 19, 2000
Benny had told all his friends about the
delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancy Street restaurant the day
before.
So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and
delicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, the waiter brought
them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this
restaurant yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today,
when I've organized a party, you serve such a small one."
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you
were sitting by the window."
Monday, September 18, 2000
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a
roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway
through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded,
leather-jacketed, filthy.
For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target. One
poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third
deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word,
just stood up, paid his check, and left.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of
the bikers.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He
doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck
right over three motorcycles."
Sunday, September 17, 2000
A man was woken one morning at four o'clock by his
ringing telephone.
"Your dog is barking and it's keeping me awake!" said an irate voice.
The man politely thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number
before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbor and said, "I don't
have a dog!"
Saturday, September 16, 2000
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker
were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to
them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're
going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news
is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the
poison, and dies.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives
him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save
the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but
he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest -- everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams, "What
are you doing?!"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,
ya joik."
Friday, September 15, 2000
I've made up my mind what we'll call the
baby," the young mother announced. "We'll call her Eulalia."
The father did not care for this choice but he was shrewd. "That's
fine," he said, "the first girl I loved was named Eulalia, and
it will evoke pleasant memories."
The wife was silent for a moment. "We'll call her Mary after my
mother," she said.
Thursday, September 14, 2000
Guido:
" Did you hear that Doctor Giovanni got in a fight with his girlfriend?"
Tony: " No, what happened?"
Guido: " He started yelling at her, and told her she was a bad kisser."
Tony: " What did she do then?"
Guido: " She decided to get a second opinion!"
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Two
men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy
for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it
open.
A
few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and
stunning the man with the backwards coat.
Later,
when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby:
"What happened?"
"Well,
the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time
I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
William Penn (of Pennsylvania fame) had two aunts who owned a bakery in colonial Philadelphia. Their bakery was renown for their mouth-watering pies and pastries. They had a very successful business going, until a family of rats settled in their cellar. These rats ate their pies faster than they could bake them, and put the bakery out of business in less than a week’s time. You probably never heard of "Two Sisters Bakery." But everyone has heard of the "Pie Rats of Penn's Aunts."
Monday, September 11, 2000
Little
Johnny walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When
the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.
"Then
why are you checking it out?"
"Because,"
said Johnny, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting moths
last month!"
Sunday, September 10, 2000
John
came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the
problem?"
He
said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of
my life."
She
said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole
lives."
He
said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"
Saturday, September 9, 2000
A
ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks
by and asks him what's wrong.
Through
his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five
year-old wife."
"What's
wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between
the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast
and kisses me and tells me she loves me ...
at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my
favorite meal. In the afternoon
when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could
want. And then after a gourmet
supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The
young man puts his arm around him. "Oh,
I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
"No,"
the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I
live."
Friday, September 8, 2000
A
woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall
parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop
sign.
"Hey,
lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She
rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all
mine?"
Thursday, September 7, 2000
A
big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck
and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The
old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The
indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
The
old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick
Rule."
The
lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The
Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The
attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could
easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The
old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose
off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The
lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The
old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Wednesday, September 6,
2000
Ira
and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to
America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to
live in.
Many
apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.
After
several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four
younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an
apartment.
After
they had looked most of the morning, they found
a place that was just right.
The
landlord asked the usual question: "How
many children do you have?"
Ira
answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but
four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He
got the apartment.
Tuesday,
September 5, 2000
..your
sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey,
I can't do both!"
..your
friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
..the
porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
..a
sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest
your car.
..you
remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
..you
don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
along.
..when
it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
..when
you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
.."getting
a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
.."getting
lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Friday, September 1, 2000
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a
terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and
fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll
never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were
married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would
walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three
extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another
fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to
answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep
himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He
shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon
winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later
the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10
minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the
phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly
laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.