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August 1 - 15, 1997

Friday, Aug 15, 1997

Ebonics Again

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

A speaker of this language would be a hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

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Thursday, August 14, 1997

Jesus is Watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Wednesday, August 13, 1997

Different Denominations

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

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Tuesday, Aug 12, 1997

Top Ten Signs You Bought a Bad Computer

10.The lower corner of screen has words "Etch-a-sketch" on it
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy
8. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friends car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics"
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighbourhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip is a Dorito
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous
paperweight collection.

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Monday, Aug 11, 1997

Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the new business site and read the card, "Rest in Peace". Angry, he called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location"

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Sunday, Aug 10, 1997

What Children Say...

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

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Saturday, August 9, 1997

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 REPEATEDLY!

If you are co-dependent, press 2 for someone else.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer!

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear!

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Friday, August 8, 1997

Rabbits

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezin under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.'
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

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Thursday, August 7, 1997

Headin' for the Home Stretch...

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. **Boing!!**
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. **Boing!!**
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."

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Wednesday, Aug 6, 1997

WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it? "

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $15,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars stink!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

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Tuesday, August 5, 1997

Real People

An inebriated chap was brought before the local Judge. "You are charged with habitual drunkenness." the magistrate thundered.
"Have you anything to offer in your defense ?"
Came the slurred reply, "Habitual thirst, your Honor."
- - - - -

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem." the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, created the Heavens and the Earth..."
- - - - -
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't." the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
- - - - -
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend," the young man told the perky little salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help ?" said the girl, and placed both of her hands in his.
"Oh yes. Good idea. Yes, I'd say you're about the same size."
"Will there be anything else, sir ?"
"Well, now that you mention it, I think I'll also get her some fancy panties and a bra."
- - - - -
The IRC NetSex session was going really hot and heavy, but for some reason the one partner stopping typing. Thinking she was disconnected, the man typed: "Are you still there ?"
The reply appeared back on his screen: "Wait a minute, my Mommy just came into the room."

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Monday August 4, 1997

Punch Lines

If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama, because everything happens there 20 years later.

I got the mushroom treatment at work. First I was kept in the dark, then they covered me with manure. Today, I got canned.

I read so much about the evils of drinking and smoking that I've given up reading.

I asked my Dad how I will know if I'm truly successful. He said, "Your wife will tell you."

When I ask a girl to dance and she says no, I say, "You must be mistaken. I said you look fat in those pants."

When you are turned down for date, say, "Don't be picky. I wasn't."

I married a moonshiner's daughter and I love her still.

Hukt on fonix wurkd four me.

My boss said, "You should have been here at 8:00." I said, "Why, what happened?"

When I die, I want to go like grandpa did, quietly in his sleep; not screaming like the passengers in his car.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

If my parents are couch potatoes, does that make me a tater tot?

I slept in and my 6-year-old daughter brought me my favorite coffee cup. I looked inside and there were three Army soldiers. I said, "Honey,
what is this?" She said, "Mommy, the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

This is to the lady with the "God is My Co-Pilot" bumper sticker who ran us off the road: Next time let God drive.

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Sunday, Aug 3, 1997

Kids' Test Answers...

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

The following additions are from Eric Whiteman:
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't, you expire."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a,e, i, o, and u."

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Saturday, Aug 2, 1997

WORMS

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you wont get worms."

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Friday, Aug. 1, 1997

Bumper Stickers

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move.
"REAL" friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The secret of the universe is @*^%&# NO CARRIER

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot...
...some parts are missing!

Always remember you're unique,
just like everybody else.

Give me ambiguity
or give me something else.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parent's mistakes...
...use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.

If ignorance is bliss,
you must be orgasmic.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between drunkenness.

I use to have a handle on life
Then it broke.

I don't suffer from insanity.
I enjoy every minute of it.

Few women admit their age.
Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth;
how about a Fountain of Smart?

Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.

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