August 31, 2002
There was once a
young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
August 30, 2002
A man was on
a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a
little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited
him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig
running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great
deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The
housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're
August 29, 2002
Andy came to
work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed
and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up
once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
"I don't." Andy replied, "I hurt it last year when I lost
$1,000 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the
August 28, 2002
One day a
priest was walking down the street. He saw a little boy on the front porch
of a house trying to reach the doorbell. The boy was standing on his tip
toes and jumping up and down, but he still couldn't reach the bell. The
priest walked over to him and asked, "Do you need some help?"
The young boy said yes so the priest rang the doorbell. Then the priest
said, "What now?"
The little boy shouted, "Run!"
August 27, 2002
Max went into
the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was
anything unusual he should know about.
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year,
because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You
probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the
last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
August 26, 2002
The young teacher
of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining
about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Herschel,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north
latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, Herschel said, "I
guess you'd be eating alone."
August 25, 2002
couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any
children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see
their pastor to ask for prayer.
The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by
the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to
pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of
three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them.
Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple
once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the
pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the
"What was that all about"? He asked.
She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not
August 24, 2002
after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel
director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director
asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years
experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you
said you wanted somebody with imagination."
August 23, 2002
A mother and a
daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my own present
instead of making you and dad shop for me."
"But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature has
to suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think that's kind of
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the
bill for a couple of weeks."
August 22, 2002
Little Boy's Cat
boy's cat gets run over while he was in school. His mother is very concerned
about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the
tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat
is in heaven with God now."
replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
August 21, 2002
An Amish man
answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed
him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a
power line through his pasture.
The Amish man said, "No, you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish
man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered,
"Show him your paper!"
August 20, 2002
know you're a Redneck when . . .
You take your
dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
August 19, 2002
A friend was in
front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was
standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
August 18, 2002
I was in the hospital visiting a friend. I was trying to stop smoking and
was chewing on an unlit cigar. When I got on the elevator, a lady said
to me, "Sir, there's no smoking in here."
"I'm not smoking." I said
"But you have a cigar in your mouth." the lady said.
"Lady, I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a
August 17, 2002
One day, a
woman was complaining to her neighbor that her husband always came home
late, no matter what she did, she couldn't stop him.
"Take my advice and do what I did." said the neighbor. "Once
my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I
called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' From that day on, he's been cured."
"Cured!" asked the woman, "How?!?!?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."
August 16, 2002
was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If
I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at
August 15, 2002
county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a
car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why she had been
stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside her.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the woman said, "He doesn't need one. I
always do the driving."
August 14, 2002
There was once an
accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about
accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't
a better accountant anywhere.
Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up
and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again.
This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that
this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get
into his desk when he wasn't there, without success.
One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he
suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously. However, now
that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in
After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked
inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
August 13, 2002
Diets & Dying
Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
August 12, 2002
A man mentioned
to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night
they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I'm
usually up practicing my sousaphone till about that time most every night
August 11, 2002
When I went
to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me
finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay.
That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
August 10, 2002
breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't
know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was
handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for
her husband to come home . "First the flowers then the chocolates, and
then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful
'Groundhog Day' in all my life!"
August 9, 2002
the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man
said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give
you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the
feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much
do I owe you?"
August 8, 2002
ten-year-old son informed me that part of his tooth had come out. We checked
and, sure enough, a piece had broken off.
Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose
the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"
"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole tooth,
and nothing but the tooth."
August 7, 2002
Insurance Form Statements
I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint
gave way, causing me to have an accident.
car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.
August 6, 2002
It was the
first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he
went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into
camp, bleeding and disheveled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
August 5, 2002
There was a notice in my
mailbox that required me to go to court as a witness against someone whose
name I did not recognize. Calling for more information, I found out
that my notice was for reporting a driver who had illegally passed my
stopped school bus---ten years ago when I had been driving a bus part time.
The appearance date was the same time as my night class, so I called to see
if my court appearance could be rescheduled.
Two days later someone returned my call. "We cannot push the date
back," I was told. The reason? "The accused is
entitled to a speedy trial."
August 4, 2002
A defendant was on trial
for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward
the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A
minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But,
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to
deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I
saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."