August 31, 2001
Them Whatever They Want
A store manager
overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any
for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who
was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course,
we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never,
never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we
ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
August 30, 2001
magazine in England has an annual competition challenging readers to dream
up science related headlines they'd most like to see in the magazine in the
future. Here are some past winners.
Time Travel to Be Discovered Next Year
Meteorite Hits Lottery Winner
Indestrooktibul Spel Chequer Virrus on Rampage
Immune System Boosted by Real Beer
Found! Gene That Causes Belief in Genetic Determination
August 29, 2001
A small child was working
up the courage to confront the neighborhood bully. "Bullies are really
wimps," he told himself as he rounded a corner. "Show me a
bully, and I'll show you a real wimp."
To his horror, there stood the bully.
"Show you a bully, huh?" the mean boy said, sneering. "Well,
you're looking at one."
The little boy screwed up his face and barked fiercely, "Yeah?! And
I'm showing you a real wimp!" as he took off running down the street.
August 28, 2001
After her conviction of
murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing
hearing said, "Mrs. Packard...after you put the arsenic in the stew and
served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you
"I did," she said calmly.
"And when was that?" quipped the D.A.
"When he asked for seconds!"
August 27, 2001
A jogger, running
down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey!
Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to
the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to
The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I
won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and
now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run
up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some
real money, 'cause I can still run."
Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the
farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger
says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag
you've got out in the field."
Says the farmer, "Son, you can't believe everything you hear.
He's never even been to Kentucky."
August 26, 2001
A group of American
tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a
stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those
"Wow," said one woman, "they must have the same landlord I
August 25, 2001
Soon after marriage, a
lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "I know...it's supposed to!"
August 24, 2001
A man was about to
tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man
handed him a card that read "I am a deaf-mute. May I play through,
The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and rudely communicated that
"NO, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him
such a right."
The first man whacked
the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to
putt the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying
him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw
the deaf-mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand
holding up 4 fingers.
August 23, 2001
A young man was
infatuated with a certain young woman, but he was so timid, he never had the
courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his best friend that every time he got
near her, he felt about as tall as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his friend responded, "If you want to get the girl,
you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
August 22, 2001
Just as a
surgeon was finishing an operation and was about to close, the patient
awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let
you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
August 21, 2001
At the recent
Olympics, a man was walking through the Olympic village carrying a long
pole. A reporter came up to him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was
August 20, 2001
A three-year-old boy
went with his dad to see the new litter of kittens. On returning home, he
breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
think it's printed on the bottom."
August 19, 2001
A husband and wife
were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major
in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
August 18, 2001
A priest at a
parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was
trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give
before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?"
the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something
August 17, 2001
There was a
fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth
floor were trapped by the fire. They were praying for the Lord to show them
a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to
take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety." Later
as they were recounting the event to reporters, they were asked if
they were afraid of the crude rope breaking.
"Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to
August 16, 2001
father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little
Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying
with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he
would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that
he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him
up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops
room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over
and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines.
He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that
his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and
your time is up!"
August 15, 2001
Bernard, who is noted
for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m.
by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his
neighbor back . . .
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a
August 14, 2001
you watching, Dad?"
"What's the score?"
"117 to 114."
"The team with 117."
August 13, 2001
Little Johnny and
Mary were attending their first wedding.
Mary : "How many
times can a person get married?"
Johnny : "16.
Says so right in the vows. 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse."
August 12, 2001
An old Jewish woman
has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry.
The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator type movie. In the
middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the
The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie.
The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?"
"This movie should be rated 'R' because those Jews are being fed to the
The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews."
"Oh. Ok. Well, start the movie up again."
A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes
down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?"
She points to the screen. "Those lions over there -- they're not
August 11, 2001
from Real Church Bulletins
~~~ The pastor would
appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
~~~ Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use
the back door.
~~~ The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
~~~ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
~~~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
~~~ Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
~~~ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
~~~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
~~~ Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
~~~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
August 10, 2001
The father of five
children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which
one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
There was silence as the boys digested this, then the oldest one looked at
his siblings for a second...then said, "Okay, dad, you get the
August 9, 2001
The Democratic party
bigwig left his New York office to spy on the big Republican rally being held in
Times Square. While he was there, a mugger put a gun to his head, forced
him into an alley, and proceeded to rough him up while robbing him of everything
His clothes rumpled and brow covered with sweat he stumbled into Democratic
headquarters, where his aides stared at him with shock.
"What happened?" asked his secretary as she handed him a glass of
water. After he told them his frightening tale, the secretary asked,
"Weren't there cops around?"
"Of course there were," he replied.
"Then why didn't you scream?"
"What?" he shot back. "And have the Republicans think I was
cheering for them?"
August 8, 2001
One day the
first grade teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read "..... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, ' pardon me sir but, may I have some of that straw
to build my house?"
The teacher paused and then asked the class "And what do you think the
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "WOW!
A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
August 7, 2001
Little Johnny asked
and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a
little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked
her and went back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I
just can't find it." he said.
"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.
Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."
August 6, 2001
Tom had this problem
of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was
mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So
Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed.
Tom slept very well, in fact, he woke up before the alarm went off. He had a
leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said,
"the pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "but where were you
August 5, 2001
During a phone
conversation my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at
"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the
"No, no," he replied. " I don't take abnormal psychology
until next semester."
August 4, 2001
was to account for the round consumed by a sentry on duty in a camp in the
desertóby turning in the empty cases and showing what he had shot.
One morning the officer in charge found a shoe box tied with string on his
desk. Upon opening it, he discovered five empty shells, a live rattlesnake
and a note which read: "I missed."
August 3, 2001
Always remember these
important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't
have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power
for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd
better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
August 2, 2001
A tourist climbed out
of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the
curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would
you watch my car while I run into this store?"
man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States
the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll
trust you anyway."
August 1, 2001
One day at
the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist
were verbally sparring.
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.
"Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this