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chuckle

August, 2001

Give Them Whatever They Want

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Rain.

Headlines

NEW SCIENTIST magazine in England has an annual competition challenging readers to dream up science related headlines they'd most like to see in the magazine in the future.  Here are some past winners.

Time Travel to Be Discovered Next Year

Meteorite Hits Lottery Winner

Indestrooktibul Spel Chequer Virrus on Rampage

Immune System Boosted by Real Beer

Found!  Gene That Causes Belief in Genetic Determination

The Bully

A small child was working up the courage to confront the neighborhood bully. "Bullies are really wimps," he told himself as he rounded a corner.  "Show me a bully, and I'll show you a real wimp."

To his horror, there stood the bully.

"Show you a bully, huh?" the mean boy said, sneering. "Well, you're looking at one."

The little boy screwed up his face and barked fiercely, "Yeah?!  And I'm showing you a real wimp!" as he took off running down the street.

Feeling Remorse

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, "Mrs. Packard...after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?"

"I did," she said calmly.

"And when was that?" quipped the D.A.

"When he asked for seconds!"

Mr. Ed?

A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey!  Come over here, buddy!"  The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am!  Listen, I've got a problem.  I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow.  I'm sick of it.  Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me?  I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head.  So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer,  "Son, you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky."

Tourist

A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman, "they must have the same landlord I have."

Wedding Ring

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "I know...it's supposed to!"

Fore

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf-mute. May I play through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and rudely communicated that "NO, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf-mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

Shy

A young man was infatuated with a certain young woman, but he was so timid, he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his best friend that every time he got near her, he felt about as tall as a tiny pebble.

"Well," his friend responded, "If you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

A Groaner

Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on. 

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says. 
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!" 

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

A Pole

At the recent Olympics, a man was walking through the Olympic village carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The man replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Kittens

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see the new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

Proper Behavior

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

Habits

There was a fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped by the fire. They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety." Later as they were recounting the event to reporters, they were  asked if they were afraid of the crude rope breaking.

"Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."

The Bishops Tea

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him.  His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

Wakeup Call

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Who's Winning?

"What are you watching, Dad?"
"Basketball game."
"What's the score?"
"117 to 114."
"Who's winning?"
"The team with 117."

Weddings

Little Johnny and Mary were attending their first wedding.

Mary : "How many times can a person get married?"

Johnny : "16. Says so right in the vows. 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse."

Rating A Movie

An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry. 

The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator type movie.  In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions.

The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie.  The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?"

"This movie should be rated 'R' because those Jews are being fed to the lions!"

The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews."

"Oh.  Ok.  Well, start the movie up again."

A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer.  The attendant comes down to her chair.  "Yes ma'am?"

She points to the screen.  "Those lions over there -- they're not eating!!!"

Taken from Real Church Bulletins

~~~ The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

~~~ Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

~~~  The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

~~~ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

~~~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

~~~ Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

~~~ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

~~~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

~~~ Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

~~~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Toy

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

There was silence as the boys digested this, then the oldest one looked at his siblings for a second...then said,  "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

Politics

The Democratic party bigwig left his New York office to spy on the big Republican rally being held in Times Square.  While he was there, a mugger put a gun to his head, forced him into an alley, and proceeded to rough him up while robbing him of everything he owned.

His clothes rumpled and brow covered with sweat he stumbled into Democratic headquarters, where his aides stared at him with shock.

"What happened?" asked his secretary as she handed him a glass of water. After he told them his frightening tale, the secretary asked,  "Weren't there cops around?"

"Of course there were," he replied.
  
"Then why didn't you scream?"
  
"What?" he shot back.  "And have the Republicans think I was cheering for them?"

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read "..... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ' pardon me sir but, may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused and then asked the class "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "WOW! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it." he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."

The Pill

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and  told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept very well, in fact, he woke up before the alarm went off. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Psychology

During a phone conversation my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. " I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

Leaving A Note

The order was to account for the round consumed by a sentry on duty in a camp in the desert—by turning in the empty cases and showing what he had shot.
One morning the officer in charge found a shoe box tied with string on his desk. Upon opening it, he discovered five empty shells, a live rattlesnake and a note which read: "I missed."

Rules

Always remember these important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

Trust

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm  going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Caution

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.

After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office???"