August 31, 2000
The Mouths of Babes
Finding one of her students making faces at
others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a
child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and
stay like that".
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms.
Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
August 30, 2000
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish
lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely
brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah,
Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the
No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified.
He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat
and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to
him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You
idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
August 29, 2000
You Would NOT Want To See At The ATM
go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen
says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card.
You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not
found." and keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out
your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says:
"What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects
your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the
screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the
machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted"
staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted
for trying to get water from a dry well."
August 28, 2000
Two guys were
walking down a dirt road when they come upon a hole.
They look in it and one said "Can you see the bottom?"
The other replies "Nope." So they start tossing rocks in it to hear
how long it takes to hit the bottom. One turns to the other and says "We
need something bigger." They find a cinderblock next to the road and drag
it to the hole and chuck it in.
Suddenly there's a commotion behind them and they turn to see a Billy goat
charging them. They jump out of the way just in time. The goat misses them and
falls into the hole. "Did you see that crazy goat" one says.
"Yeah, it tried to kill us." They see an old farmer on a tractor in
the field and they run over and ask him if he owned a Billy goat.
"Yes, boys, I sure do," he said.
"Well, we're gonna sue you because that crazy goat of yours tried to kill
"Yeah. It came charging at us and tried to knock us in a hole!"
The old farmer frowned and said, "He charged at you? Don't sound like my
goat, cuz my goat's real old and full of arthritis. Besides I keep him tied to a
August 27, 2000
Tom is applying for a job as a
signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you
do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the
phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level
and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and
get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
August 26, 2000
A man buys a horse from an old man.
The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves sitting on
watermelons. If he sees a watermelon, he is going to sit on
it." The man says OK. As he's riding his horse, he comes
along a stream.
The horse stops in midstream and sits down. The man beats the horse,
but the horse refuses to budge. The man pushes and shoves the horse,
but the horse refuses to move.
Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him back to
the old man.
"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the
middle of the river and refused to budge. You told me he likes
to sit on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the
middle of the river."
"I forgot to tell you," the old man replied, "he also likes
to sit on fish."
August 25, 2000
A young man, who was an avid golfer,
found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee
and asked if he could accompany the young man.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with
a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and
After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot,
the old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball
right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit
the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground
about one foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree
was only 3 feet tall."
August 24, 2000
Need A New Car When ...
You pull over
to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
You have to go to a repair shop every thousand miles to get the duct tape
You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of
The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen
You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred
dollars and a new stereo.
Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.
The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your
The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.
August 23, 2000
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling
cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's
bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
August 22, 2000
Potato Head's Daughters
Mr. Potato Head had three daughters.
All three were of age to be married. The first daughter came home and said
she was going to marry a potato farmer from Maine.
Her father was very pleased, and said, "Make plenty of French
The second daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato
farmer from Idaho. Her father was very pleased, and said, "Make
many good baking potatoes."
The third daughter came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather.
Her father was very upset that she was marrying a common-tater.
August 21, 2000
The Worst Of The Worst
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?' they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer."
August 20, 2000
The first grade class gathered around the
teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the
teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay boys and girls," she said
brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.
"Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"
"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.
"Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a
picture of a deer.
Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll
give you a hint, children. It's something your mother calls your father."
"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop!"
August 19, 2000
of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
August 18, 2000
New Pet - PG-13
For a little girls birthday her parents decided to let her get a pet. So the
next day she went to the pet store. She walk past the puppies. Glanced at the
kittens. Took a look at the fish. Gawked at the lizards and snakes, to then
decide she wanted a bird.
When all three got home they tried to think of a name for the new pet. Then, on
the TV, came the dolphin show FLIPPER. The little girl excitedly ran up to her
parents saying, "I know what to name the bird!",
"Well what's the name?", the parents asked. "Flipper!", she
shouted, "Flipper the bird!"
August 17, 2000
know you're a Redneck if...
1. If you have a complete set of salad
bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side...
2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart...
3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...
4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...
5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart...
7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...
10. If you've ever asked the preacher "Hows it hangin."
11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...
13. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is...
14. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
August 16, 2000
It The Truth
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
August 15, 2000
Seeing Eye Dog
Don and Frank have walked their dogs along the
same route every day for years but never talked. One Day Don approached
Frank and said "You know, we see each other everyday but never
talk." So Don and Frank became really good friends and came across a
bar neither of them had ever been to before. There was a sign that stated.
"NO PETS ALLOWED SAVE SEEING-EYE DOGS". Frank said "Let's
find another bar and go there." Don said "No, follow my lead and
we can go here."
Don put on dark sunglasses and walked into the bar. The Bartender
questioned the greyhound seeing-eye dog, but Don said "Oh, greyhounds
are very loving loyal and smart", and the bartender let him in. Frank
followed suit, and when the bartender questioned the Chihuahua Frank
"They gave me a Chihuahua!?!?"
August 14, 2000
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse, when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing
time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to
tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, the perennial loser, naturally picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any
worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door. Mrs.
Meyerowitz answers, and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him right now."
August 13, 2000
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return
I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I
want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper
with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red
Ferrari right here."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red
brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be
irresistible to women."
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a
box of chocolates.
August 12, 2000
3 Bricks, and a Bomb - PG 13
A helicopter was ordered by the President to
go drop three bricks and a bomb on Iraq as a warning of what America will
do to Iraq's citizens if Saddaam won't get rid of his chemical weapons.
As the helicopter was going to travel to Iraq the hatch of the helicopter
was not securely fastened and the 3 bricks and a bomb fell out of the
The people in the helicopter were worried about the American citizens that
might of got hit w/ the falling objects. So they went down to see if
everyone was ok.
When they went down to check on the people, they discovered a girl crying.
The pilot asked, "Girl why are you crying?" The girl answered,
"Because a brick hit my dad and he died."
They took care of the girl and saw another young man crying. The asked the
young boy why he was crying, and he said a brick his mom and she died.
They took care of the boy, and saw a woman crying. The pilot again asked,
"Woman, why are you crying?" The woman answered, "A brick
hit my baby and it died." They took care of the woman and moved on.
They came upon another young boy, but this time, the boy was laughing
hysterically. The pilot did not understand why the boy would be laughing
and asked him why.
The boy then answered, "I'm laughing because I farted and blew up a
August 11, 2000
Morris calls his son in New York and says,"
Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm
merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to
know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that, not after
54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son,
and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore
than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her
yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and
I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing
the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to
her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that
she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will
be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you
don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do
anything until we both get there."
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says,
"Well Sarah, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next
time to get them to come home for the holidays?"
August 10, 2000
Rules of Order
1. I can only
please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily
reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
August 9, 2000
You've Had Too Much of the 90's
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email
2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day,
it is just too slow.
3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"
4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.
5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as Bookmarks
6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are
now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the
7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long, that you have received
a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research.
8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.
11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
12. Your apology to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you:
"Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make
13. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
14. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
August 8, 2000
I ran into a friend of mine who recently lost his
job. I asked him what happened.
He said, "The boss man got the idea that the IT department should be living
up to the slogan, "Giving every user what they need."
I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn around so we can kick
them in the butt?"
August 7, 2000
You Shouldn't Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my
beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
August 6, 2000
Big Decision - PG-13
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the
doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that
you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
August 5, 2000
There are 2 flies in the kitchen, which one is the
The one on the range.
What did he fish say when he ran into the wall?
August 4, 2000
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and
August 3, 2000
Third In Line
young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is
admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and
other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a
little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his
former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in
line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks
for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
August 2, 2000
Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I
have good news and I have bad news!"
The Pope asks, "what's the good news?
The Bishop answers "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and
wants to speak with you!"
"And the bad news?"
The Bishop replies, "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
August 1, 2000
A man walks into a supermarket and
1 bar of soap
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout says, "You must be single!"
The guy sarcastically says, "Gee, how did you guess?"
The girl at the checkout says, "Because you're really ugly."