August, 2000

Being Single Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's Third In Line
Quickies The Big Decision - PG-13 That Sums It Up
Too True Things You Shouldn't Say To A Cop He's Back
Dilbert's Rules of Order  Swiss Chocolate Divorce
Jewish Poker The Seeing Eye Dog Ain't It The Truth
The New Pet
You Know You're
a Redneck if...
Benefits of Being A Woman 
Guess the Animal The Worst Of The Worst Mr. Potato Head's Daughters
You Need A
New Car When ... 
Quick Driver
Avid Golfer
Buyer Beware The Grounded Conductor The Old Goat
Mozart Things You Would NOT Want
To See At The ATM
From The Mouths of Babes


Thursday, August 31, 2000

From The Mouths of Babes

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". 

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Wednesday, August 30, 2000


A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

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Tuesday, August 29, 2000

Things You Would NOT Want To See At The ATM

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card. 
You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card. 
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card. 
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA  there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room. 
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and  the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken. 
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted"  staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

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Monday, August 28, 2000

The Old Goat

Two guys were walking down a dirt road when they come upon a hole.
They look in it and one said "Can you see the bottom?"
The other replies "Nope." So they start tossing rocks in it to hear how long it takes to hit the bottom. One turns to the other and says "We need something bigger." They find a cinderblock next to the road and drag it to the hole and chuck it in.

Suddenly there's a commotion behind them and they turn to see a Billy goat charging them. They jump out of the way just in time. The goat misses them and falls into the hole. "Did you see that crazy goat" one says. "Yeah, it tried to kill us." They see an old farmer on a tractor in the field and they run over and ask him if he owned a Billy goat.

"Yes, boys, I sure do," he said.

"Well, we're gonna sue you because that crazy goat of yours tried to kill us!"

"Yeah. It came charging at us and tried to knock us in a hole!"

The old farmer frowned and said, "He charged at you? Don't sound like my goat, cuz my goat's real old and full of arthritis. Besides I keep him tied to a cinderblock."

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Sunday, August 27, 2000

The Grounded Conductor

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Saturday, August 26, 2000

Buyer Beware

A man buys a horse from an old man.

The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves sitting on watermelons.  If he sees a watermelon, he is going to sit on it."  The man says OK.  As he's riding his horse, he comes along a stream.

The horse stops in midstream and sits down.  The man beats the horse, but the horse refuses to budge.  The man pushes and shoves the horse, but the horse refuses to move.

Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him back to the old man.

"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle of the river and refused to budge.   You told me he likes to sit on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the middle of the river."

"I forgot to tell you," the old man replied, "he also likes to sit on fish."

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Friday, August 25, 2000

Avid Golfer

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.

After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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Thursday, August 24, 2000

You Need A New Car When ...

You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

You have to go to a repair shop every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.

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Wednesday, August 23, 2000

Quick Driver Identification

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

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Tuesday, August 22, 2000

Mr. Potato Head's Daughters

Mr. Potato Head had three daughters. All three were of age to be married. The first daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato farmer from Maine.

Her father was very pleased, and said, "Make plenty of French fries."

The second daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato farmer from Idaho.  Her father was very pleased, and said, "Make many good baking potatoes."

The third daughter came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Her father was very upset that she was marrying a common-tater.

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Monday, August 21, 2000

The Worst Of The Worst

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Sunday, August 20, 2000

Guess the Animal

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children. It's something your mother calls your father."

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop!"

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Saturday, August 19, 2000

Benefits of Being A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

6. Taxis stop for us.

7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

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Friday, August 18, 2000

The New Pet - PG-13

For a little girls birthday her parents decided to let her get a pet. So the next day she went to the pet store. She walk past the puppies. Glanced at the kittens. Took a look at the fish. Gawked at the lizards and snakes, to then decide she wanted a bird.

When all three got home they tried to think of a name for the new pet. Then, on the TV, came the dolphin show FLIPPER. The little girl excitedly ran up to her parents saying, "I know what to name the bird!",

"Well what's the name?", the parents asked. "Flipper!", she shouted, "Flipper the bird!"

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Thursday, August 17, 2000

You know you're a Redneck if...

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side...

2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart...

3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...

4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...

5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart...

7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement...

9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...

10. If you've ever asked the preacher "Hows it hangin."

11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...

13. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

14. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...

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Wednesday, August 16, 2000

Ain't It The Truth

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

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Tuesday, August 15, 2000

The Seeing Eye Dog

Don and Frank have walked their dogs along the same route every day for years but never talked. One Day Don approached Frank and said "You know, we see each other everyday but never talk." So Don and Frank became really good friends and came across a bar neither of them had ever been to before. There was a sign that stated.
"NO PETS ALLOWED SAVE SEEING-EYE DOGS". Frank said "Let's find another bar and go there." Don said "No, follow my lead and we can go here."

Don put on dark sunglasses and walked into the bar. The Bartender questioned the greyhound seeing-eye dog, but Don said "Oh, greyhounds are very loving loyal and smart", and the bartender let him in. Frank followed suit, and when the bartender questioned the Chihuahua Frank simply stated

"They gave me a Chihuahua!?!?"

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Monday, August 14, 2000

Jewish Poker

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg, the perennial loser, naturally picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door. Mrs. Meyerowitz answers, and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500."


Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him right now."

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Sunday, August 13, 2000

Swiss Chocolate

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.  He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In  return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. 

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." 

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. 

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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Saturday, August 12, 2000

3 Bricks, and a Bomb - PG 13

A helicopter was ordered by the President to go drop three bricks and a bomb on Iraq as a warning of what America will do to Iraq's citizens if Saddaam won't get rid of his chemical weapons.
As the helicopter was going to travel to Iraq the hatch of the helicopter was not securely fastened and the 3 bricks and a bomb fell out of the helicopter.
The people in the helicopter were worried about the American citizens that might of got hit w/ the falling objects. So they went down to see if everyone was ok.
When they went down to check on the people, they discovered a girl crying. The pilot asked, "Girl why are you crying?" The girl answered, "Because a brick hit my dad and he died."
They took care of the girl and saw another young man crying. The asked the young boy why he was crying, and he said a brick his mom and she died.
They took care of the boy, and saw a woman crying. The pilot again asked, "Woman, why are you crying?" The woman answered, "A brick hit my baby and it died." They took care of the woman and moved on.
They came upon another young boy, but this time, the boy was laughing hysterically. The pilot did not understand why the boy would be laughing and asked him why. 
The boy then answered, "I'm laughing because I farted and blew up a building!"

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Friday, August 11, 2000


Morris calls his son in New York and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that, not after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought  you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this.  You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sarah, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

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Thursday, August 10, 2000

Dilbert's Rules  of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I  especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3.  Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4.  Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5.  Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first  time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an  attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in  bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the  heck is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the  keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't  suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of  turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the  affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with  ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue  with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with  experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less  money at the end of the week.

18. The more crap you put up with, the  more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you  look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing  in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get  done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look  worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24.  When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily  by
reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

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Wednesday, August 9, 2000

Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.

3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"

4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.

5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as Bookmarks

6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the opposite sex.

7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long, that you have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research.

8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.

11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

12. Your apology to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you: "Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut"

13.  You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

14.  You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

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Tuesday, August 8, 2000

Too True

I ran into a friend of mine who recently lost his job.  I asked him what happened.
He said, "The boss man got the idea that the IT department should be living up to the slogan, "Giving every user what they need."
I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn around so we can kick them in the butt?"

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Monday, August 7, 2000

Things You Shouldn't Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Sunday, August 6, 2000

The Big Decision - PG-13

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

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Saturday, August 5, 2000


There are 2 flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy?
The one on the range.

What did he fish say when he ran into the wall?

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Friday, August 4, 2000

That Sums It Up

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

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Thursday, August 3, 2000

Third In Line

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."  He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney."  The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts.  "What did you teach?"

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Wednesday, August 2, 2000

He's Back

The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says  "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"
The Pope asks, "what's the good news?
The Bishop answers "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
"And the bad news?"
The Bishop replies,  "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"

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Tuesday, August 1, 2000

Being Single

A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout says, "You must be single!"
The guy sarcastically says, "Gee, how did you guess?"
The girl at the checkout says, "Because you're really ugly."

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