July 31, 2002
Undertakers Mal and Mel
were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in
an area out of sight.
Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left
for Mal to take care of.
When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is
for Mal to hide."
July 29, 2002
A resident in a posh hotel
breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a
wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs,
one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's
tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets
a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch
it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's
impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter.
"It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? Why? -- that's what I got yesterday!"
July 23, 2002
A farmer in his pickup truck in the
south was driving across a bridge when
he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his
death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and
said, "Hey, mind if I ask why are you doing this?"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Southerner replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Southerner then said, "Well, then think of your mother and
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Southerner then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Southerner said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!!!"
July 21, 2002
An expert on whales was telling
friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For
instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?"
asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it
sounds something like 'Can you hear me now?
July 20, 2002
a Cancer Cure
A class from a nearby university
was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the
students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in
white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced:
"In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for
She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide
turned to look.
Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping
through the Yellow Pages.
July 19, 2002
is in the eyes...
Soon after our last child left home
for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in
my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you
look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you
still look pretty good too!"
July 18, 2002
a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly,
"Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife made appetizers last
night and we have a caterer coming this morning with roast beef, fried chicken
and potato salad."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
"Sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
July 17, 2002
brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she
glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my
grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took
to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that
tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your
moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if
he'd fallen asleep."
July 16, 2002
a little old lady said to a local politician running for office,
"you're my second choice."
"Why, thank you, ma'am," he said, smiling. "But may I
ask - who's your first?"
"Oh," she said casually, "anybody else who's
July 15, 2002
Three boys are in
the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and he calls it a poem, they give him
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a press release, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all
July 14, 2002
For a while
my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and
I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself
on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful
surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter
before going to work.
The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was
crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
July 13, 2002
When my wife
quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of
peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and,
grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked what she had hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's
the piggy that ate roast beef."
July 12, 2002
A man was
called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in
terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is
overdrawn, your loan is overdue."
"Yes, I know." said the man. "It's my wife, she is out of
"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?"
asked the banker.
"Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd
rather argue with you than with her."
July 11, 2002
Texan in Ireland
A Texan walks
into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He
says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drunken' fools. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind my askin',
where did ya'll go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to goo to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."
July 10, 2002
As a new
commercial pilot, I found that most of my time and energy was put into
learning how to fly a jet. I could see that my fiancée's patience was
wearing thin because I had little time to spend with her. It became even
worse when our spring wedding clashed with a new series of required training
flights that would take me abroad for more than a month. At my suggestion we
decided to marry sooner.
The day was perfect, with no talk of flying. My heart melted as I watched
her walk up the aisle to stand next to me. But as we recited our vows, I
looked into her eyes and said, "With this wing, I thee wed."
July 9, 2002
you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said
after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
July 8, 2002
they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next
door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see
how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.
"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.
"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old
July 7, 2002
After a day of
grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of
the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the
drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with
anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My
July 6, 2002
proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to
charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and
he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces.
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses
will be another $10.'
"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"
July 5, 2002
My uncle John was
in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job it was to fertilize the
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went
into the pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report by listening to the bells. My uncle's favorite rooster was old
Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning.
Uncle John went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in
his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county
Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell
Prize, but also the Pullet Surprise.
July 4, 2002
It was the end of
the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
July 3, 2002
end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer
fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"
Are you kidding?"
but you started it."
July 2, 2002
Brad and Mike are
two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare
checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather
than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns
to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He
realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months
earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it
is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he
calls Brad up.
"Hi Brad. Open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So,
what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally,
Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you
calling me from right now?
July 1, 2002
Roger was fed
up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage.
Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the
garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem
to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you just
"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained,
"she makes such a good neighbor."