July 31, 2001
Cat Goes To Heaven
A cat dies and
goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat
all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and
had to sleep on hardwood floors."
"Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days
later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets
them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said,
"All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even
women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't
have to run anymore."
"Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat
is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are
you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my
life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
July 30, 2001
The 1980 Presidential campaign
contained a heavy emphasis on economic issues. Candidate Ronald Reagan
warned of the coming of another depression if America continued in its
present path. President Jimmy Carter responded, "That shows how
much he knows. Mr. Reagan clearly does not know the difference between
a depression and a recession."
That reaction gave Reagan, the communicator, a platform comment to build his
campaign on. Reagan responded, "If Mr. Carter wants a definition,
I'l give him one. Recession is when your neighbor loses his job, depression
is when you lose yours, and recovery will be when Jimmy Carter loses
July 29, 2001
During the eight
years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many
reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixon's
were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle
of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded
into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his
wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.
"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second
thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you
were a vice president of the hotel."
July 28, 2001
A family who had just
moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But
the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of
the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced
happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"
"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And
then what did she do?"
"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
July 24, 2001
At the data-entry
company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One
morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began
preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.
"You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just
release the coffeepot."
July 22, 2001
A resident in a posh
hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a
wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs,
one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's
tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets
a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as
soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so
that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee,
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter.
"It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got
July 20, 2001
Mayor Jones was
famous for bloating the local public works payroll with his relatives and so
it was that his oldest son got a summer job installing telephone poles way
out in the country. After a few days, though, the supervisor called
him in and, mayor's son or not,
demanded an explanation for his lack of productivity.
"Look, kid," snorted the boss. "According to these
worksheets, the other guy we've got putting in poles averages 12 a day.
You go out with the same equipment for the same amount of time and only
manage to drive in 6. Now, I want you to go home and think about what
you're doing wrong."
The next morning the mayor's son showed up at the office and went in to see
the boss. "Listen, Boss, you had me up all night worrying about
what I was doing wrong and I just couldn't figure it out. So I left
early this morning and I took a drive by the road where the other
guy's putting in a dozen poles a day and suddenly it hit me how he does so
"Oh, really?" said the boss, obviously pleased that he had gotten
through to the lad. "What's his secret?"
"Easy. He only drives the poles in halfway!"
July 17, 2001
Casey came home from the
doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?"
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest
of my life."
She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"
Found in Kitchen
1. Kitchen closed
... this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
4. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
5. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
6. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
7. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
8. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
9. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
10. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
11. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It
doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to
lead normal lives.
17. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
July 15, 2001
Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.
The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to
put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the
papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.
"Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"
"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."
July 14, 2001
After years of
scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good
news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough
money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."
July 13, 2001
Coming out of church,
Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is
tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith,
"Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good
it does you to go to church."
July 12, 2001
A local restaurant was so
sure one of its waiters was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000
bet that the waiter could squeeze a lemon so dry no one could get another drop
out. Many people tried but no one was ever able to succeed.
One day a puny little man wearing a polyester suit and glasses came in and said,
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the waiter
grabbed the lemon and squeezed it until it was as dry as the desert. The crowd
The little man took the wrinkled remains and clenched it in his small fist. The
crowd's roars turned to silence as six drops of juice fell.
"What do you do for a living?" the amazed crowd asked.
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
July 11, 2001
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the
millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. Common Sense selflessly devoted his life to
service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get
jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over
Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know
when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you earn), reliable parenting strategies (adults are in charge, not kids), and
it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends
including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math." But
his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades
his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal
He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and
enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of
mouth- wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student.
It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer
aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is
pregnant or wants an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as Lifetime Values became
contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than
victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts
to professional sports.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept
informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low
flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and
mandatory air bags.
Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture
only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by
three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
July 10, 2001
A rookie pitcher was
struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.
"You always seem to lose control at the same point in every
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
July 9, 2001
and 6th Grade Responses
* There are 26 vitamins
in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
* Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
* The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
* Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called
a drop, it does.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
* Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
* A monsoon is a French gentleman.
* The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom.
* To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
* When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When
people do it, we say they are crazy.
* For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
July 8, 2001
Goodman was a
moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money
someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route
carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage
"Look at that
yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs
to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there is owned by the
head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the
pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend was
silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just
wondering," his friend said. "Are there any customers'
July 7, 2001
A drunken Irishman is
driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patrick's Day and his car is
weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
July 6, 2001
An elderly gentleman
was telling his friend about his new hearing aid. He said, "This
hearing aid is so good that I can hear a pin drop to the floor 60 feet
The friend said, "What kind is it?'
The old man looked at his watch and said, "It's two thirty."
July 5, 2001
Tom was so excited about
his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging
about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means
nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
July 4, 2001
1. If you do a good
job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. Never quit until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
people who don't work here anymore.
July 3, 2001
Max Gittelman celebrated
his eightieth birthday party with his wife, Reba, and a few old cronies.
When the guests left, Max sank down on the davenport, his expression weary.
"Max, are you all right?" Reba asked anxiously. "I told you a man
your age is too old for a party. Maybe now you'll listen!"
"My dear Reba," replied Max patiently, "a man is not too old
until it takes him longer to rest up than it did to get tired!"
July 2, 2001
daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a
clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an
anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's
room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something
printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my
daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said,
"Families are Forever."
And on the other,
"Be Smart, Don't Start."
July 1, 2001
A man was working on
his home computer when his daughter snuck up behind him. Then she turned and
ran into the kitchen, shouting, "I know Daddy's password! I know
"What is it?" her sisters asked.
She replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"