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chuckle

July, 2001

A Cat Goes To Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." 

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. 

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Depression vs. Recession

The 1980 Presidential campaign contained a heavy emphasis on economic issues.  Candidate Ronald Reagan warned of the coming of another depression if America continued in its present path.  President Jimmy Carter responded, "That shows how much he knows.  Mr. Reagan clearly does not know the difference between a depression and a recession."

That reaction gave Reagan, the communicator, a platform comment to build his campaign on.  Reagan responded, "If Mr. Carter wants a definition, I'l give him one. Recession is when your neighbor loses his job, depression is when you lose yours, and recovery will be when Jimmy Carter loses his."

The Vice President

During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixon's were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.
"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."

New Neighbors

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression.  But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome.  The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically.  "And then what did she do?"
  
"Then she gave it to the policeman."  the boy said.

Coffee Break

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

Hotel Food

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.

"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as
soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"

Unproductive

Mayor Jones was famous for bloating the local public works payroll with his relatives and so it was that his oldest son got a summer job installing telephone poles way out in the country.  After a few days, though, the supervisor called him in and, mayor's son or not,
demanded an explanation for his lack of productivity.

"Look, kid," snorted the boss.  "According to these worksheets, the other guy we've got putting in poles averages 12 a day.  You go out with the same equipment for the same amount of time and only manage to drive in 6.  Now, I want you to go home and think about what you're doing wrong."

The next morning the mayor's son showed up at the office and went in to see the boss.  "Listen, Boss, you had me up all night worrying about what I was doing wrong and I just couldn't figure it out.  So I left early this morning and I took a drive by the road where the other
guy's putting in a dozen poles a day and suddenly it hit me how he does so many more."

"Oh, really?" said the boss, obviously pleased that he had gotten through to the lad.  "What's his secret?"

"Easy.  He only drives the poles in halfway!"

Prescription

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

Signs Found in Kitchen

1. Kitchen closed ... this chick has had it!

2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

3. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

4. Ring bell for maid service.  If no answer, do it yourself!

5. I clean house every other day.  Today is the other day.

6. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

7. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

8. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

9. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

10. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.

11. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this:  Some days it's even worse.

12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

17. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

Customs Agents

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.

The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent. "Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

Savings

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good
news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough
 money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

 "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

 "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Going To Church

Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

$1000 Offer

A local restaurant was so sure one of its waiters was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet that the waiter could squeeze a lemon so dry no one could get another drop out. Many people tried but no one was ever able to succeed.

One day a puny little man wearing a polyester suit and glasses came in and said, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the waiter grabbed the lemon and squeezed it until it was as dry as the desert. The crowd cheered.

The little man took the wrinkled remains and clenched it in his small fist. The crowd's roars turned to silence as six drops of juice fell.

"What do you do for a living?" the amazed crowd asked.

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

AN OBITUARY

In Mourning...

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. Common Sense selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (adults are in charge, not kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouth- wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as Lifetime Values became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.

Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Loosing Control

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.

"You always seem to lose control at the same point in every  game."

"When is that?" asked the kid.

"Right after the National Anthem."

5th and 6th Grade Responses

* There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
* Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
* Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
* The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
* Water vapor gets together in a cloud.  When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
* Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
* A monsoon is a French gentleman.
* The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
* To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
* When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
* For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Making An Impression

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. 

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." 

His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," his friend said. "Are there any customers' yachts?"

Pulled Over

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patrick's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Come Again?

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about his new hearing aid. He said, "This hearing aid is so good that I can hear a pin drop to the floor 60 feet away."

The friend said, "What kind is it?'

The old man looked at his watch and said, "It's two thirty."

The Promotion

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

Cubicle Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

How True!

Max Gittelman celebrated his eightieth birthday party with his wife, Reba, and a few old cronies.  When the guests left, Max sank down on the davenport, his expression weary.

"Max, are you all right?" Reba asked anxiously. "I told you a man your age is too old for a party.  Maybe now you'll listen!"

"My dear Reba," replied Max patiently, "a man is not too old until it takes him longer to rest up than it did to get tired!"

Be Smart

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, "Families are Forever."

And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

Untold Secret

A man was working on his home computer when his daughter snuck up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, shouting, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked.

She replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"