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June, 2002

Henpecked

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself more.
"You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said, "now, go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.  He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me!  I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.  Tonight I am going out with the boys.  You are going to stay at home where you belong.  Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I most certainly do," said his wife, smiling sweetly, "The undertaker."

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Wise Words

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and  answer period with his new students when one of them asked  the usual question, "If our chute doesn't open and the reserve   doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him very seriously and said, "You have the rest of your life."

From Kids' Test Papers

* "When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

* "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."

* "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

* "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

Exact Time

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Hair

Alexis was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" she asked her mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied her mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. 

Or she was until Alexis thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

Habits

Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?

The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".

Arizona Rain

A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."

Job Application

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Storm Jennings ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Jennings wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

In A Child's Mind

Missi's in-laws took her two children to Cherokee, N.C., to meet a REAL Indian.  Missi's mother-in-law explained to them that the Indian was full-blooded Cherokee.

Several days later, Joshua, 5, asked, "Does full-blooded mean that the Indian never had a boo-boo?"

Assault

Did you hear about the snail who was beaten up by two turtles?

He went to the police and they asked him, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?"

The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast."

The Perfectionist

Rabbi Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Sammy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has too many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Sammy defensively. "My father helped me."

Tuesday,  June 18, 2002

The Optimist and the Pessimist

One day the sun was shinning brightly and the optimist said, "Great day, eh?"

The pessimist said, "The stupid sun will burn the crops."

The next day it rained. Again the optimist tried to engage his friend, but the pessimist's only response was: "Stinking rain will wash out all the seed!"

So the optimist took his friend duck hunting, which he loved. After the first duck was shot the optimist dispatched his dog to fetch the duck. The dog ran on top of the water, picked up the duck and ran back. 

The optimist exclaimed "Did you see that?"

The pessimist replied, "Dog can't swim, eh?"

Bubba and Tiny

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. 

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"  

Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM." 

"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" 

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

Flattery?

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.  When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old.  What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Grandpa, Can You...?

A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld!"

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?

The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Not Again!

An airhead and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western
is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"  "You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in  the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

Job Interview

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

Mother-in-Law

After five years of abuse by his mother-in-law, the husband thought he saw a glimmer of understanding when his wife's mother gave him two expensive cashmere sweaters.  Wanting to cement the new relationship, he was careful to wear one of the sweaters the next time he went to his in-laws home.

"Whazzamatter, you don't like the other one?" his mother-in-law asked.

Shovels

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels, just lean on each other until they arrive."

Benny

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How so?"

"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Doctor, Doctor!

Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you've got to help me...my wife thinks she's a chicken!"

Doctor says, " how long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"

The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."

Breaking In

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."

Love Dress
(PG-13)

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

Husband: "Needs ironing!"

Jack Benny

When Jack Benny's daughter Joan was married for the first time, the L.A. Times had a headline, "Jack Benny's Daughter Married in $25,000 Affair."

The L.A. Examiner's headline was "Benny Spends $50,000 on Daughter's Wedding."

Eddie Cantor woke him up with a phone call to say "Did you read either of the morning papers yet?"

Jack said no.

Cantor said "Well, do yourself a favor & just read The Times.  You'll save $25,000."

Hawaii or Havaii

A man is on a plane, taking his first trip to Hawaii. He is so excited that he talks about it to everyone on the plane.  He wants to know if the word "Hawaii" is pronouncd "Hawaii" or "Havaii."  He keeps asking, but no one seems to know for sure.  As soon as he gets off the plane in the beautiful island state, he runs up to another man he thinks must be a "real" Hawaiian. 

"Sir," he asks, "Is the name of this place pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii'?"

The man announces, "Havaii."

"Thanks so much!" says the tourist.

The "real" native says, "You're velcome."

Oh Fish!

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought dish with two fish, one larger than the other. 

One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Job Hunting

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: 
"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."