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chuckle

June, 2001

A True Pessimist

--He looks for a coffin whenever he smells flowers.

--He believes life is a car wash and he's riding a bike.

--He looks at the land of milk and honey and sees nothing but cholesterol and calories.

--He stays up on New Year's Eve to make sure the old year leaves.

--He looks both ways before crossing a one-way street!

Animal Noises?

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo, Miss Jenkins"

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow, Miss Jenkins"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa, Miss Jenkins"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

Duck Hunting

A man dressed in camouflage entered a butcher shop. "Can you sell me a couple of undressed ducks?" he asked.

"Well, no.  We have no fresh ducks at the moment.  I can sell you a nice selection of poultry broilers, though."

"Chickens!" the customer scoffed.  "No way.  I can't go home and tell my wife I bagged a couple of chickens!"

Seniors

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

Blind Justice

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a
lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

The Trucker

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong place, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side up." "I get it," replies the waiter. So on his way back out to the counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and says, "I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "I figured while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

The Sermon

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions.

At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"

He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.

The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"

The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."

Coin Toss

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

The Pope

This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe.  There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.

He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear.  He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.

So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.

Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!"

Eyewitness

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and  then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

Pregnancy FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Hell of a Game

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks," What took you so long?"

He replies, "Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!" 

She says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" 

The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...'"

Breaking The Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Showing Him

Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Annunciata were driving through Transylvania when suddenly Dracula appeared out of nowhere and landed on their windshield. The two nuns tried desperately to dislodge him.

First Sr. Mary Margaret, who was driving, veered wildly from side to side -- but Dracula held on tight.

Then the two nuns turned on the windshield wipers -- but Dracula merely clung to the wipers and could not be dislodged.

Finally, Sr. Annunciata exclaimed, "I've got it! -- show him your cross, Sister."

"Great idea!" Sr. Mary Margaret replied. She rolled down her window, stuck her head out, and yelled, "Get off our car, you @#&#* vampire!"

Talking to God

A man was talking to God and out of curiosity asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"

God replied, "A second!"

The man said, "Okay, what's a million dollars to you?"

God replied, "A penny!"

The man asked, "God, could I borrow a penny?"

To which God replied, "Sure, just a second!"

Charlie

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really really hard." 

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

By His Side

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side"

"And You know what?"

What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Duck Hunting

Two blokes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?"

His friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

Stress Management

I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually  harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax.  I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.

Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."

"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied.  "You couldn't have watched the whole thing."

"Yes, I did," Susan assured me.  "I put it on fast-forward."

Choosing Sides

The young ladies were taking their final vows to become nuns at the Mass.  The presiding bishop noticed two rabbis seated at the back of the sanctuary.  They'd insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The bishop was curious why they'd come, but didn't have time to ask.  He went ahead and started the ceremony.  Later, when it was time for announcements, the bishop went back to where the rabbis sat.

"I'm delighted to see you both here and thank you for coming. But I'm a little curious as to why you're present on this occasion where these young women are becoming 'Brides of Christ'."

The more senior of the rabbis smiled, rose to his feet, and explained, "We're 'Family of the Groom'."

Things Change

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

Sherlock Holmes

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career..."

Last Rites?

A man is struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:   "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."

Fore!!!

Chuck been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As FrankieG watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods. 

"Why don't you use an old ball?" FrankieG asked.

Chuck looked at FrankieG in disgust and replied, "I've never had an old ball!"

Duh! - Take 2

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Duh!

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.  I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced.  "The ice keeps melting."

Financial Affairs

The banker had called the man in to talk about his account. "Your financial affairs are in a mess.  Your wife constantly overdraws your account.  She is behind in her charge accounts at the department store, and her check stubs are all added wrong. Why don't you talk to her about it?"

"Because," said the man, "I would rather argue with you than with her."

An Important Call

A woman was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in their area.  He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.

Once he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang.  His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.  I'm talking to Christ."

Behavior Modification

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior  modification reinforcement."

The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"

"Lollipops," the teacher explained.

Reconciliation

One man and his wife were having some problems at home and decided not to talk to each other.

A week later, the man realized that, because of his laziness, he need help to wake up at 8 o'clock the next morning for a job appointment.

He thought deeply and finally wrote on a paper "Please, wake me up tomorrow at 7 o'clock"

The next morning, he woke up at 9 o'clock. Furious, he almost turned all the house upside down when he saw on a note on the table - 

" It is 7:00, wake up!"