June 30, 2000
Know You're a Mom When
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and
you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let
them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around
the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck
the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, ect. and you think it's
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the
telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading,
unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing
sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting,
clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing,
buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing
trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers,
slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting,
edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and
you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed
to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor,
a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.
June 29, 2000
Cute Pet Names
Bernie was invited to his friend Jack's home for
dinner. Jack spent the whole night referring to his wife in endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Finally, Bernie looked at Jack and remarked, "That's really nice. After all these
years, you keep calling your wife those cute pet names."
Jack hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three
June 28, 2000
You Feeling Old Today?
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office
start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow
in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What
could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will
get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in
the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you
didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you
are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because it's too
risky of an investment.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all of my money.
There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other two I
June 27, 2000
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
June 26, 2000
News and Terrible News
The wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear
the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."
June 25, 2000
For those of you whose children are older than
this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a
warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman)
Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a
42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling
fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A
ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says
they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
June 24, 2000
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping
at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her
purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill
in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse,
she didn't have any change for a reward."
June 23, 2000
Want Them to Say
Three men were all asked the following question:
If you were in your grave and everyone was looking down at you, what would you want them
The first man answered, "I would want them to say: 'he was a good doctor.'"
The second man answered, "I would want them to say: 'he was the nicest person I ever
The last guy answered, "I would like them to say: 'he's moving!'"
June 22, 2000
and Bad News
Bob and Earl were lifelong friends
and big baseball fans. One night, Bob passed away happily in his sleep after watching his
favorite team win a big game. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of
Bobs voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course its me," Bob replied.
"This is amazing!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in
Ive got some good news and bad news," Bob began. "The good
news is theres baseball in heaven."
"Great! What could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
June 21, 2000
Two businessmen went into a diner and
ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to
The owner became quite angry and concerned and proceeded to walk over
and said to them, "Hey, what the heck to you think your doing?! You can't eat your
own sandwiches in here!"
The men looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
June 20, 2000
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
June 19, 2000
It is an uneventful Saturday night.
I am lying on the couch sleepily watching "Shock Theater" on the local TV
station. I am just about to doze off, when I hear a noise outside. I tiptoe
over to the window to check it out. I peek, see what causes the blood to freeze in my
veins, and quickly
make my way upstairs. It is what I have been dreading, they have come for me
I run from room to room like a man insane, looking anywhere for a place to hide.
Maybe the attic. No, that will be one of the first places they will look.
Hurry, hurry! Pick a place, a good place, and maybe I'll be safe after all. I
finally decide on the guest room. I go in, run to the closet and open the door so
hard that it almost comes off its hinges! I close the door, get as far
back in the closet as I can get, and cover myself with dirty clothes. I have a small
chance if I can just stay quiet.
Minutes drag by. I can hear them going from room to room. Oh, they are looking
for me alright! There is no question about that. Quiet, quiet, I must remain
as quiet as a mouse. I can feel my heart thudding in my ears. They will get to
this room very soon.
My whole body feels cold and clammy. My clothes are drenched from the sweat.
Will they be able to smell the fear radiating off my body like a cornered rat? Can
I stand the suspense any longer.
Just now, I hear the guest room door open. They are in the room. Oh Lord, can
I continue to keep quiet? I hear them walking around out there. Probably looking
under the bed. Keep quiet, hold my breath! Don't dare breathe, they'll hear
it. Stay focused, don't make a sound. Footsteps coming toward the closet.
The closet door swings open! I hear it! I hold my breath! I hear clothes
being moved on the hangers above me. Don't scream, hold on! Don't breathe,
although my lungs ache so badly. Oh God, hang on for just a little longer.
Maybe they won't....
CAUGHT!!! They find me after all!! I feel their hands
pull me out of my hiding place. I can't look at them, I keep my eyes closed tight.
No use to see the horror that is to come.
Carried; I am being carried. The torture will come any minute, of course.
There is no doubt of that. They are stripping me of my clothes now. I feel the air
cooling the sweat on my body. They are lowering me into the warm liquid. I
can stand it no longer. I open my eyes. The tears come freely. Through
my blurred vision, I can barely make them out, but it is definitely THEM. It is all
over. I have lost the game. Mom and Dad laugh.
The "Saturday Night Bath Ritual" has begun!
June 18, 2000
A recent study has revealed that the average woman
speaks as many as 5,000 more words per day then the average male.
The additional words consist mostly of:
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT I SAID?? ARE YOU LISTENING???"
June 17, 2000
No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One
had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy
with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the
bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once
again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn
June 16, 2000
"Old" is when your friends compliment
you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up
to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest you.
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love" and you
answer "Honey, I can't do both!"
June 15, 2000
A Tough Day
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made
it to his chair before he dropped from exhaustion.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a cool drink and a comforting word. "My,
you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to
make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and we all
had to do our own thinking."
June 14, 2000
When Caught Sleeping at Work
1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management
course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter -- not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning
a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do
you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
14. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
15. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
June 13, 2000
Sunday dinner with my mother Adah, my father Fred,
and my three siblings was always lively.
On one occasion all of us, except my mother were in a silly mood and we began requesting,
in rhyme, items at the table.
"Please pass the meat, Pete."
"May I have a potatah, Adah."
"I'd give you the moon for a spoon."
After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough.
"Stop this nonsense now!" she shouted.
"It's Sunday, and I would like to enjoy my dinner with some good conversation, and
not all this chatter."
Then she sat down, still in a huff, turned to my father and snapped,
"Pass the bread, Fred."
June 12, 2000
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his
"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answered the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after
Little Johnny answered confidently, "A jack!"
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the
back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
June 11, 2000
we Will Never Buy
10) Journey Salutes The Music of Yes
9) Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston Sing Songs Only Your Dog Can Hear
8) Bob Dylan, Mumble Mumble Mumble Say What?
7) Barry Manilow: Original Gangsta
6) The Rolling Stones, Aren't We Dead Yet?
5) Tammy Faye Bakker - The Extended Remixes (A 6 CD Box Set)
4) Ol' Dirty Bastard Sings Rodgers & Hammerstein
3) Kathie Lee Gifford and the Sweatshop Settlement Agreement Choir Go A Carolin'
2) Marilyn Manson, For Lovers Only
1) N' Sync Sings - Anything
June 10, 2000
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking
company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just
fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to
hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning
and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
June 9, 2000
Hot & Cold
A man walks into a store and he saw a
thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him,
"It's a thermos"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So whatcha got in it?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."
June 8, 2000
A String walked into a bar and said
to the bartender, "Hi, may I have a glass of Vodka?"
And the bartender said, "No. Sorry, we don't serve Strings here." and instead of
making a scene, the String left the bar and went around the corner. When he was sure that
he was out of view of the bartender, he tied himself in a knot and ruffled up his top and
bottom and returned to the bar.
He went up to the bartender and once again asked the bartender for a glass of Vodka and
the bartender asked "Aren't you the string that just came in here?" and the
String answered "No, I'm afraid not!"
June 7, 2000
Some newly married friends were
visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children,
while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an
end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third
one as if it's your own."
June 6, 2000
After a long, bumpy flight, our
passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I
checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love,
Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the
June 5, 2000
A little four year old boy forgot his
lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to
prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help.
Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is
the light of the world."
We had made some changes in our
lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I
had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I
gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.
"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I
hate to let you go."
June 4, 2000
This chain letter was started in
hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then
bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the
top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than
the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom
were worth keeping. REMEMBER----this chain brings luck. One woman's pit bull died, and the
next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried Jewish woman living with her
widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain, and got
her own husband back again.
June 3, 2000
A veterinarian was feeling ill and
went to see her doctor.
The doctor took an extensive medical history and then inquired about her symptoms and
She interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients all these
questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking."
She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded and said, "Okay, I'll take your challenge."
The doctor quickly performed a physical exam, being careful not to ask any questions. He
then picked up a pad, wrote a prescription and handed it to her.
"There you are. Take these pills four times a day for ten days. If this doesn't work,
come back, and we'll put to sleep."
Friday, June 2, 2000
Cats Can Fly!
A Pastor had a kitten that climbed up
a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm
milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the
pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent
down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in
the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be
bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward...
the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of
sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if
they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on
about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He
happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was
a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when
you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been
begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged
again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll
let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard,
get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I
saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
spread out, and landed right in front of her."
Thursday, June 1, 2000
My friend likes to read his two young
sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of
the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class where the teacher was
reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and
said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my
house?" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think the man
My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said "Holy smoke!
A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.