May 1999

Farmer Joe	Indecent Exposure	Guide to Hi-Tech
Out Smarted	The Life of Married Men	The FBI
He's Everywhere	Ludwig van Beethoven	The Circus
Saintly Lady	You Know You're Getting Old When...	Kids!
Golf	Andy Rooney's Perpective on...	George Carlin Says:
Angie and Joel	Cowboy Thoughts	A Day Off
In A Child's Mind	Doing Something Nice For Dad	The Aspiring Novelist
George's Physical	Cat in Heaven	In A Childs Mind
Getting A Job	Good News and Bad News	A Truck Driver
In A Child's Mind...	Why a Dog Can't Use the Computer	The Perfect Woman
Memories	Keeping Company	The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to know ?"

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.
The couple makes passionate love all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet." "No", she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice "Happy Birthday to you..."

When Lori was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. Her Dad got out his wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, he asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse...
   #9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
   #8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
   #7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
   #6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway that he's browsing http://www.purina.com/ instead of working.
   #5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
   #4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail"
   #3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
   #2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
   #1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 95.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that at least we're not on a plane".

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets
the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a
poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing
on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things
since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mom asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Seventy year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm
in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A little four year old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandmas computer. She told her she was writing a story. "What's it about?" she asked.
"I don't know," the little girl replied. "I can't read."

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

** Never squat with your spurs on!

** Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

** There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.

** Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

** Never ask a man the size of his spread.

** After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

** If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

** Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

** Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

** When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

** When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were playing outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes and dishes were on the kitchen counter. There was dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewed with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was
worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to
her. He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He
looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"
She answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes" was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Some of the things to think about in your spare time:

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

13. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

...Ads in Bills
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

...Fabric Softener
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

...Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

...Reverse Life Cycle
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.

...Award Shows
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

...Phone-in Polls
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

...Answering Machine
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

Two kids were having a fist fight in the park when a policeman happened by and broke it up. "What's going on here?" said the policeman.
"She called me stupid" replied the little boy.
The policeman looked at the little girl. "That wasn't very nice. Why don't you tell him you're sorry?'
Intimidated by the officer's presence, the girl agreed.
"Okay," she said to the boy, "I'm sorry you're stupid!"

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

You need less mileage and more roughage

Prime time is bedtime

Everyone seems too young to be doing what they're doing

You feel the only one who understands you is your recliner

You have morning-afters without the night-befores

The snap, crackle, pop comes from you and not the cereal

You start ordering oatmeal in Mexican restaurants

You refer to sex as "Oh, that"

You stop dressing for success and start dressing for support

You spell relief N-A-P

All print is fine print

You have to build an extension to your make-up table

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way.

A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called
"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

There's the story about the man working the night desk at the FBI office. They got a lot of wrong numbers, because it was similar to the pizza joint.
One night he answered "FBI." When the caller hesitated he said "You meant to call Dominoes ..."
The caller exclaimed "Wow, you guys really do know everything!"

- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

- Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to
"handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them. And if he did, he'd be wise not to try.

- Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

- Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

- NEW - Different color from previous design

- ALL NEW - Parts and accessories not interchangable with previous design

- EXCLUSIVE - Imported product

- UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition

- DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

- FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments

- ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it

- IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

- FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment

- HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit

- DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor

- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works

- REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors'

- BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it

- FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does

- DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others

- MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix

- RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope...

- HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves

- PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period

- MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours

- ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell!

- BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise

- HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it

- NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work

- MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction

- CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can reach us from most airports

- UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

- BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together

- MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain

- LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our new techs was laid off by Boeing

A woman of questionable intelligence is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine," asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.   I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"