Friday, May 31, 2002
evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one
night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his
feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a
breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her
next door neighbor.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter
heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends
and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
A Kansas tornado hit a
farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up
the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently
in the next county. The wife began to cry.
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Custer and an Indian scout are on top of a hill overlooking Bull Run when
they start to hear drums in the distance.
Monday, May 27, 2002
businessman was walking down a dark street in New York's garment district when
he was accosted by a mugger. Ordered to hand over all his money, the
businessman did so, placing one hundred dollars in the mugger's open hand.
Sunday, May 26, 2002
A group of women were talking together.
One woman said,
"Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."
Saturday, May 25, 2002
Mom and Dad went to a restaurant one evening. Dad was about halfway finishing his meal when took a hard look at the potato.
He called the waitress and said, "This potato is bad."
picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on the plate, then said,
Friday, May 24, 2002
are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Thursday, May 23, 2002
Doctor, what's the news?" said Hal when his doctor called with his test
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from
his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman
his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
& Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite
on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were
shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they
would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Monday, May 20, 2002
A Priest and a
Rabbi are riding on a plane, each enjoying a leisurely cocktail and after a
while start to chat a bit. The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, ''Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
Sunday, May 19, 2002
developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP.
After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of
the car she'd yell, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
The mother smiled
at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Friday, May 17, 2002
went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
Thursday, May 16, 2002
Q: Why did
God create snakes just before lawyers?
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a
fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed that in the audience
was another gentleman who was well known as one of the foremost after-dinner
speakers in the nation.
Monday, May 13, 2002
A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean 'all wet?'"
"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."
Sunday, May 12, 2002
My wife and I get
along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to
none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had
enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car.
Saturday, May 11, 2002
A woman in a
supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a screaming baby in it.
Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, "You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel."
"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"
Friday, May 10, 2002
In my senior
year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the
professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response.
It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my
turn, I told him I was a music major.
Thursday, May 9, 2002
Last year, Tommy,
his wife, and his mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend.
Tommy's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the
woods way too long.
Wednesday, May 8, 2002
A fifth grader
looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I
hope it's not homework again."
Tuesday, May 7, 2002
Just before her birthday,
a wife and her husband were strolling through a mall
and ended up buying an expensive espresso maker. On their way home,
she felt guilty about spending so much on a luxury item. "Let's
consider this my
birthday present, okay?" she said.
Monday, May 6, 2002
A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??
Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"
The clerk says "Well, no."
With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
Sunday, May 5, 2002
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
Saturday, May 4, 2002
A Republican and a
Democrat were walking down the street.
Friday, May 3, 2002
A man went to
see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor
prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
Thursday, May 2, 2002
A man goes to the
doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,
leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
Wednesday, May 1, 2002
professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on
the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.