Welcome
chuckle

May, 2002

Then It Dawned...

"Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.  For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversation."  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied.  "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them.

I'd Like To Hear...

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
 
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....... 
                                            LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

First time in...

A Kansas tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

General Custer

General Custer and an Indian scout are on top of a hill overlooking Bull Run when they start to hear drums in the distance.

General Custer says, "I don't like the sound of those drums!"

The Indian scout listens for a second and says, "That's not their regular drummer."

The Mugger

The well-dressed businessman was walking down a dark street in New York's garment district when he was accosted by a mugger.  Ordered to hand over all his money, the businessman did so, placing one hundred dollars in the mugger's open hand.

When he'd surrendered all his money, the businessman casually retrieved two dollars and slipped them back into his money clip.

The crook looked on in amazement, "What are you doing??" He demanded.
  
The businessman replied, "I always take a two percent discount for cash transactions."

Shrinking Congregations

A group of women were talking together.  

One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."

Another said,  "That's nothing.  Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven."

A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."

Bad Food

Mom and Dad went to a restaurant one evening. Dad was about halfway finishing his meal when took a hard look at the potato.

He called the waitress and said, "This potato is bad."

The waitress picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on the plate, then said,

"If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know."

Three Types

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

Bad News And...

"Hello Doctor, what's the news?" said Hal when his doctor called with his test results.

"I have some bad news and some really bad news," admitted the doctor. "The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live."

"Oh my god," gasped Hal, sinking to his knees. "What could be worse than that?"

"I couldn't get a hold of you yesterday."

The Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm ten blocks past my stop already."

Saddest Story

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

A Priest and a Rabbi

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding on a plane, each enjoying a leisurely cocktail and after a while start to chat a bit. The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, ''Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The Rabbi responds ''Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.''

The Priest then asks ''Have you ever eaten pork?''

To which the Rabbi replies, ''Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.''

The Priest nodded in understanding and leaned back in his seat to relax.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, ''Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?''

The Priest replied, ''Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.''

The Rabbi then asked him ''Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?''

The Priest replied, ''Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.''

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, ''A lot better than pork, isn't it?''

Nothing

A 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP.  After that, she tried to figure out her own words.  From the back seat of the car she'd yell, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"

"Nothing," her mom said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?" 

"Nothing," mom answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?" 

The mother smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Muldoon's Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish  priest and asked, "Father,  my dog is dead. Could ya' be  sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Follow Me Now...

Aunt Flora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Lawyer Bashing

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Pull The Pin

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

 "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

 The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

 In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

How Odd

The jovial lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed that in the audience was another gentleman who was well known as one of the foremost after-dinner speakers in the nation.

The lawyer, striking an informal pose, with his jacket open and his hands in his pockets, said, "How odd to see my good friend George in the audience, demonstrating that a speaker can listen to someone else's words on occasion."

And from the audience, George cried out, "And how odd to see my good friend Henry on the podium, demonstrating that a lawyer can have his hands in his own pockets on occasion."

Grades Pun

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."

Backseat Driver

My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. It was my wife calling.

By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

I Scream You Scream

A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a screaming baby in it.

As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring, "Stay calm, Rachel. Don't cry, Rachel. Don't scream, Rachel."

Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, "You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel."

"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"

Gotcha!

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response.  It was working - some students were becoming defensive.  When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. 

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music."

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

Thursday,  May 9, 2002

There's gonna be...

Last year, Tommy, his wife, and his mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Tommy's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.

After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!

Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Tommy you got'ta do something, or there's gonna be blood shed fer sure!"

Tommy calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into it..."

Paper Planes

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol?  I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes it is," replied Carol.  "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "The plane was hijacked."

Birthday Present

Just before her birthday, a wife and her husband were strolling through a mall and ended up buying an expensive espresso maker.  On their way home, she felt guilty about spending so much on a luxury item.  "Let's consider this my birthday present, okay?" she said.

"No way!" my husband replied.  "That was too expensive - I'll get you something else."

Sausage

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy,  clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you:  if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian???

Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"

The clerk says "Well, no."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says,

"Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

Prayers

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. 

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

Republicans and a Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street.

They came upon a homeless person.

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card.  He told him to come to his business for a job.

He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed.

They came to another homeless person.

He decided to help....

He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.

He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

Doctors Orders

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
 
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
 
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
 
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
 
"I know," said his physician. "But at least I can cure pneumonia."

Doctors Diagnosis

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."