May 31, 2001
In filling out
an application for a factory job, a man was puzzled for a long time
over this question:
"Person to notify in case of an accident."
Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."
of the Dentist
A woman phoned her dentist when
she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she
complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so
loud, you scared away two other patients."
May 30, 2001
A defendant was asked if he wanted
a bench trial or a jury trial.
"Jury trial," he replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant
people decide my fate instead of one."
May 29, 2001
1. From an Airline
employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
May 28, 2001
A store manager overheard a clerk
saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now,
and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was
walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll
have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never,
never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and
it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said... "Rain..."
The German air
controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without
any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and
a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British
Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
do you not know where you are going?"
"Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but I didn't
May 27, 2001
Your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I
can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
May 26, 2001
Is A Test And You're Graded On A Curve
At age 4, success is...
not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a
At age 20, success
is... having sex.
35, success is... having money.
50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is...
At age 70, success is... having a
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
May 25, 2001
A Jewish man is worried that his
son is going to convert to Christianity, so he sends him to the Holy Land to
get in touch with his faith.
A few months later the man's son comes back and says with great enthusiasm
and says, "Guess what Dad, I just converted to Christianity!"
The Jewish man is crushed and goes to his rabbi for advice.
The man tells his Rabbi the story and the Rabbi says sympathetically,
"Funny you should come to me! The exact same thing happened to me! I
was worried about my sons faith, so I sent him to the Holy Land and he came
back a Christian!"
The Rabbi suggests that the two men pray for their sons.
While in prayer, God says to them, "Funny you should come to me! The
exact same thing happened to me!"
May 24, 2001
The preacher spent his whole
sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no
exceptions. At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does
anyone here think they are without sin?"
He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood
The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery
sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"
The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but
for my wife's first husband."
May 23, 2001
During taxi, the crew of a US
Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at
the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told
you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop
right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and
D's but get it right".
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you
to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I Tell you. You
got that, US Air 2771??"
Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown
male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you
May 22, 2001
Two retired professors
were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were
sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's
these pesky wicker chairs."
May 21, 2001
Men and women have two
distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be, wakes up in the morning,
plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the
The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking.
She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in
proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do. "All I
have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to
three words which she continues to repeat..
"Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."
May 20, 2001
A jealous husband hires a private
detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more
than a written report: he wants movies of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returns with a video tape. They sit down together
and proceed to watch it. Although the quality is less than professional, the man
sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the
park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them
dancing in a dimly lit night-club. He sees a dozen activities shared by
both the man and woman with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much
May 19, 2001
A vampire bat came flapping in
from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the
cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and
let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "I DIDN'T!"
May 18, 2001
When a company acquired a smaller
competitor, part of the deal was for the purchaser to provide a job for Jim,
the previous owner's obnoxious 21-year-old son. During his first week,
Jim was carrying heavy boxes through the front office to the rear storage
area. As he passed by, he grumbled to no one in particular, "We
should find some idiot to do this kind of stuff."
One of the secretaries replied, "We already did."
May 17, 2001
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal,
only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his
boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you?
Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
May 16, 2001
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then
hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another
woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into
a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you
May 15, 2001
"Flight 1234," the control tower
advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How
much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise
a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
May 14, 2001
TIME OF THE MONTH
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the
bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks,
the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . ."
He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night."
May 13, 2001
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!
My mother taught me TO
APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it
outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME
TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
- "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the
science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about
CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about
STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about
WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to
solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about
HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE
OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
- "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
May 12, 2001
The restaurant where I
took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event
on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of
victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old,
"it sounds as if someone just got his food."
May 11, 2001
A corporate executive received a
bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It
included hourly billings for conferences, research, phone calls, and
everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the
company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one
item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO
YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -$125.
May 10, 2001
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife,
was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a
The man asked, "How often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you."
replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
May 9, 2001
A guy was invited to some
old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his
wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost70 years, and while
the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's
wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your
wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her
name about ten years ago."
May 8, 2001
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What
comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
May 7, 2001
A company's new CEO was handed 3 envelopes by the
previous CEO as he headed out the door. The prior CEO told the new CEO to
open the envelopes in sequence whenever the company fell into economic woes.
Sure enough, a year into his reign, the company hit hard times so he opened
envelope number 1. It told him to blame the outgoing CEO for the current state
This pleased the Board of Directors until the next business slump 8 months
later. The CEO then opened up envelope number 2. It suggested blaming the
problems on the current economic condition in the country.
Again, the Board was appeased by his answer. Finally, 2 years later, the company
was again struggling, so the CEO opened envelope number 3. It said simply,
"Fill Out Three Envelopes".
May 6, 2001
A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "alligator's teeth
mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an
May 5, 2001
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem
at home. The kids were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud and
muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into
the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food
spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand
by the back door. The family room was covered with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was
becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to
her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her
bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from
work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
May 4, 2001
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano,
so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded
her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't
May 3, 2001
A pious man who had reached the age of 105
suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence
after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all
these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me
any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't
want to remind Him!
May 2, 2001
A man was having trouble getting his
neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking
about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go
where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and
he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed
his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did
you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and
the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered
May 1, 2001
The temporary Sunday School teacher
was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had
been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went
to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first
two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look
serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the
lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece
of tape on the ceiling."