May, 2000

Thoughts to Ponder Answering Machine Mesages Texas State Trooper
Airline Announcements Young Scientists In The Back Seat
Creative Writing Ways to Get Some Quick Vacation Time Big Man in a Small Town
How To Change Your Oil Signs You Live In The Modern Age Idiots and Computers
Ticket Please You'll Get Us Both Fired..... Some take longer.....
Language Please Applying for a Job Not Guilty
Aunt Molly Making a Good Impression Finding a Seat
Nice Nuts That's Impossible The Ex
Ranchers Anniversary Low Cholesterol CIA Opening
Honor System Virus Mary Poppins The Car Accident
The Top Twenty Oxymorons A Four Year Old's Voice




Wednesday, May 31, 2000

A Four Year Old's Voice

Ever notice how a 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen,   apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don t sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi,Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, What is the good news?

The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!  Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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Tuesday, May 30, 2000

The Top Twenty Oxymorons

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

09. Political science

08. Tight slacks

07. Definite maybe

06. Pretty ugly

05. Twelve-ounce pound cake

04. Diet ice cream

03. Working vacation

02. Exact estimate

and the Number one top OXY-Moron

01. Microsoft Works

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Monday, May 29, 2000

The Car Accident

A car was involved in an accident in a street.  As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said  the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment  into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written:

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Sunday, May 28, 2000

Honor System Virus

This virus works on the honor system:

Please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your own files at random.

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Saturday, May 27, 2000

CIA Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, KILL HER!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious.  I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about five minutes.  Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same instructions,  to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one shot after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

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Friday, May 26, 2000

Low Cholesterol

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a  car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her  interest in health, food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and  Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Thursday, May 25, 2000

Ranchers Anniversary

 While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to  how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

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Wednesday, May 24, 2000

That's Impossible

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope.  After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you.  If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church."
The Pope responds saying, "That's impossible, my son.  The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "As I said, that's impossible!  The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer.  I will give you a day to consider it.  We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to inform them of some good news and some bad news:  "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.   The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"

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Tuesday, May 23, 2000

The Ex

A man went to the mall to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Yes sir. They're called darts."

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Monday, May 22, 2000

Nice Nuts

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over.

"Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender.

"I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

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Sunday, May 21, 2000

Finding a Seat

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

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Saturday, May 20, 2000

Aunt Molly

A young couples happily married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Molly. For nine years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding until one day the old girl passed away.
On the way home from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Sweetheart, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Molly in the house all those years."
His wife looked at himin amazement. "My Aunt Molly!" she cried, "I thought she was your Aunt Molly!"

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Friday, May 19, 2000

Making a Good Impression

A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced himself and asked if he could be of any help.
"Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive, happy for a chance to help the boss. The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies."

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Thursday, May 18, 2000

Applying for a Job

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.
"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"
Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."
The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"
"He's never seen a train wreck before."

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Wednesday, May 17, 2000

Not Guilty

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks:
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,
"Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks:
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says:
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

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Tuesday, May 16, 2000

Language Please

After years of his wife's pleading, the rich, good old boy finally went with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself. It was such a damn good sermon, sir!"
"PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5,000.00 in that there collection plate."
"Well, that was damn nice of ya!"

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Monday, May 15, 2000

You'll Get Us Both Fired.....

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he everdid as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

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Sunday, May 14, 2000

Some take longer.....

A man and a women walk into a bar and order a drink for everyperson in the bar. They are very happy.
When the bar-tender asks them why they are so happy, they reply: 'We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months'.
'Two months?' the bar-tender exclaimed, 'it's not supposed to take that long.'
'That's not true,' said the woman, 'it said 2 to 4 years on the box.'

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Saturday, May 13, 2000

Ticket Please

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,  the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

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Friday, May 12, 2000

Idiots and Computers

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

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Thursday, May 11, 2000

How To Change Your Oil

1.  Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2.  Drink a cup of coffee.
3.  15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1.  Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2.  Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3.  Open a beer and drink it.
4.  Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.  Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.  Place drain pan under engine.
8.  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.  Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer.  No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car.
41. Feel proud, you did it all yourself.

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Wednesday, May 10, 2000

Signs You Live In The Modern Age

1. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

3. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

5. You can get hair-styling services online.

6. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

7. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

8. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

9. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

10. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.

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Tuesday, May 9, 2000

Creative Writing

A creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
1) religion
2) royalty
3) sex
4) suspense

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

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Monday, May 8, 2000

Ways to Get Some Quick Vacation Time

1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'

2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'

3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.

4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.

5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.

8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.'

10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.

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Sunday, May 7, 2000

Big Man in a Small Town

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

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Saturday, May 6, 2000

In The Back Seat

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

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Friday, May 5, 2000

Young Scientists

Here's one especially for all of you scientists and for those of us who are not as creative as our young people.

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1.  H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2.  To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3.  When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4.  Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5.  A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6.  Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7.  Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8.  Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9.  Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10.  The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

11.  A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

12.  To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

13.  For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

14.  For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

15.  Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

16.  Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

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Thursday, May 4, 2000

Airline Announcements

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to XXX. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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Wednesday, May 3, 2000

Texas State Trooper

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

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Tuesday, May 2, 2000

Answering Machine Mesages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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Monday, May 1, 2000

Thoughts to Ponder

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why  don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do  they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

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