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April, 2004

Friday, April 30, 2004

Instructions

Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents.

I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church.  But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.

The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God."

Thursday, April 29, 2004

In The Habit

The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said the  Irishman.

"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Not Quite

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.  He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"  The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Unexpected Pick Up

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.  After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

Monday, April 26, 2004

Pricing

The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.

"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces."

"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'"

"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Memories

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Enemies

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king.

"I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Friday, April 23, 2004

In A Child's Mind

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? -Amy

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Lending

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Bubba

Bubba was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright.  He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general 'go-fer' at a furniture warehouse.  His first task was to go out for coffee.  He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos.  When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Bubba said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Monday, April 19, 2004

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!"

Saturday, April 17, 2004

The Letter

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Friday, April 16, 2004

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Little Johnny, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Little Johnny replied.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Tax Payment

There was a man who computed his taxes for 2003 and discovered that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2003 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. 

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Grandfathers

A trio of old timers at the Veteran's hospital ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But if he were alive today, he would be a 165 years old."

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Question Answered

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues.  If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Monday, April 12, 2004

I Can't Find It

A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.

"I just can't find it." she said.

"What book are you looking for, dear?" the librarian asked.

Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Before It Starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 am start, 2 pm finish, no over-time, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Friday, April 9, 2004

The Vacation

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado. So we flew to Denver and rented a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River.

Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swaying in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said.

"What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental."

Thursday, April 8, 2004

The Magician

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! That's some trick. Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"yes, one half brother and two half sisters."

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

Dressed Alike

Alice came from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. She and her sisters were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, they were all dressed in matching clothes. She asked her mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

I Can't Do That!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic.  If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.  If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Monday, April 5, 2004

What's in Your Mail?

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.  He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.

So He called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel.  To get both points of view.  So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time.  When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good.   He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get one either?

Sunday, April 4, 2004

Ethel

An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside. "Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered.

"Yes, dear," she answered.

He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with me then too."

The man sighed and said, "I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!"

Saturday, April 3, 2004

You Are What You Eat

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

Friday, April 2, 2004

Actual "FAMILY FEUD" Answers

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Thursday, April 1, 2004

The Pope and The Lawyer

One day the Pope and a lawyer passed away. They went to heaven and St Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms."

So they both followed. First St Peter gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.

"Thank you, thank you St Peter," said the Pope.

Then St Peter gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.

"St Peter, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?"

"Well" said St Peter, "Popes, we have by the dozens but you're the first lawyer we've ever had!".