April 30, 2002
his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.
As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
April 29, 2002
was a very religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very--very nervous, so
she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on
the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her
Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
April 28, 2002
A couple with
three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets
for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy
and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one
another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please,"
the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
April 27, 2002
The newly wed
wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have
great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house
instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said,
"Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."
April 26, 2002
Max and Abe had
become newly rich partners for ten years. They decided to celebrate their anniversary
in business with a deluxe dinner at The Waldorf. It was glorious.
Near the end of the meal, the waiter served fingerbowls. Abe said, "Max,
what is this in the little paper cup inside the silver dish?"
Max answered, "I don't know what it is, but everything else was good. This
will be good, too. So eat it, and never mind what it is."
Abe said, "Max, you know me, I can't eat it if I don't know what it
is!" and he called out to the waiter. Max said, "Please, don't
embarrass me by showing your ignorance. It'll be good, eat it." But the
waiter arrived, and Abe said, "Waiter, what is this in the paper cup in the
little silver bowl?"
The waiter answered, "That is a fingerbowl, sir. When you have finished
your meal, you may dip your fingers in it to cleanse them, and wipe them on your
napkin." And the waiter walked away. As soon as he did, Max said, "You
see? You ask a foolish question, you get a foolish answer!"
April 25, 2002
to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's
dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they
are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you
see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and
the light keeps me awake!"
April 24, 2002
husband returned home to find his new bride preparing to bake a ham. He
noticed she had cut off both ends, so he asked her why since it looked like
perfectly good ham.
She told him, "I learned that from my mother." He accepted that,
ate the ham, and it was great.
At the next family gathering, the young husband asked his new mother-in-law
about the ham. She said, "I learned that from my mother."
Grandma came home for Christmas, and the young husband finally had the
chance to solve the riddle. He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and
how they had both learned this from her.
Grandma said, "Well...I had a short pan!"
April 23, 2002
User's Bumper Stickers
My kid made
the honor roll at Bill Gates Summer Camp.
We're staying together for the sake of our Web Site.
I don't lie, cheat or steal...
...except when I'm accessing Pentagon files.
My kid can out HTML program your kid.
I brake for incoming e-mail on my Mercedes laptop.
If a computer owner's money could talk,
all it would say is goodbye.
Computer repair is an oxymoron.
April 22, 2002
A man was
sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had
called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial
he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a
The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig
Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear
of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.
April 21, 2002
of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach
brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual
Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he
had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So
the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a
public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the
church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,
waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have
an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his
kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
April 20, 2002
Q: Should I have
a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the
more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
A: When the kids are in college.
April 19, 2002
A priest is
driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell
The priest looks
at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
April 18, 2002
playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique
never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole
and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he
drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in
another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.
He looked at his friend in puzzlement..."Old ball??? I've never
had an old
ball," he said.
April 17, 2002
his travel agency, and he was furious about a Florida package he booked.
The travel agent asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. Morris
said he paid for a suite on the top floor expecting an ocean-view room.
The travel agent tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state.
Morris replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a
very thin state."
April 16, 2002
A rabbit one
day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and
brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt
grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to
a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of
other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to
them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you
wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got
carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't
resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They
were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that
as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.
"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all
stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab.
I'm dying for a cigarette."
April 15, 2002
"If you had a
quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another
dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One quarter." answered little Johnny
"You don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father."
A businessman had a tiring day
on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that
the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went
immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had
forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on
duty, "My name is Clean Laffs Joe, could you please tell me what room I am
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
April 14, 2002
ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I
was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had
just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going
to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as
it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With
a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
April 13, 2002
A pig and a
chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking
Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken
they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried, "Let's offer then ham
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you,
that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
April 12, 2002
A man was brought into
the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere.
A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay
there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc. A couple more weeks
before one on them had enough strength to raise his hand and point to
himself and say, "Scottish."
The other man signaled he had heard, raised his own hand and said,
This act tired them out so much that it was a week before the first
summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."
Again the second man replied in a weedy frail voice, "Dublin."
Once more the strain was too much for them and they passed out.
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and
Replied the other, "Paddy."
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly,
Paddy responded, "Sagittarius."
April 11, 2002
A man goes to his dentist complaining his teeth are loose.
dentist inspects the man's mouth and says, "The plate I installed
into your moth six months ago has started to erode."
Then the dentist asks, "Have you made any drastic changes in your diet recently?"
The man, a bit rattled, stutters, "Well, my wife started cooking a lot
more asparagus recently. I didn't quite like it until she started
putting hollandaise sauce on it."
Then the man continues, "Now I put the sauce on everything: sandwiches, meat loaf, nachos, you name it."
"Hmmm," said the dentist. "Hollandaise
sauce is made with lemon juice
which is highly acidic. The citric acid is dissolving your
plate. I need to
replace the plate and this time I'll make it with chrome."
The man asks, "Why chrome?"
The dentist replies, "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome
for the hollandaise."
April 10, 2002
businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he
asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number,
and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He
asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
ordered, pepper only."
April 9, 2002
woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious services
when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the middle of
robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(A Scripture verse saying "turn from your sin")
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
Scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had
an AXE and two 38s!"
April 8, 2002
this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the
townsfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
A journalist for the local paper was assigned to get the scoop of the day by
photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed
with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.
He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph".
The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed
for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the
photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
Just then the manager of the paper came by and asked him how the pictures
Well, replied the writer, "The spirit was willing but the flash was
April 7, 2002
A husband and
wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major
in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I
just act like I'm listening."
April 6, 2002
A group of
American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone
in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same
landlord I do."
April 5, 2002
lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as
good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me,
and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi
April 4, 2002
Assistance, can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have
no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater.
"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
April 3, 2002
A man walked
out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he
thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby
said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few
clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He
could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a
trap. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow," replied the cabby.
April 2, 2002
Fran and Al
were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. Today's
highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at the
Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the playing of
the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of their fondest
memories of the trip.
They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to
enter the tower, when there was a sudden flash of lightning which struck the
tower, totally destroying it. The ticket-seller, surveying the results,
immediately offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual
The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first
husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.
April 1, 2002
After a lengthy
conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client:
"Jane, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is
eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both!" exploded Jane. "I could have done that myself.
Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"