tca030198

Do You Have the Time?	Old Folks...	Pizza Pranks
A Call from Hillary	Minsk	Feb '98 Bumper Stickers
Nursing Home	Getting Into Heaven	What A Dinner
Might as Well...	Sheer Lingerie	Number 4?
Yo, John......	The Rabbi and the Priest	Birth Control
You can learn a lot in school.	Could you help me?	A Heros Welcome
Suspicious	Some things are better left unasked...	The Birthday Gift
Buying a Parrot	Nature as the Example	Kittens
The Butler Did It!	The Deaf Debt Collector	The Parrot
Tickle-Me-Elmo	You May be a Redneck Pilot if...	Port or Sherry?
Little Johnny	Friend and Adviser	Small World
Maternal Pride	A New Sex Pill	Headaches
	Shipwrecked

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well!", smiled Dr. Eskin, "It's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," .

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and.."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear ?"
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I, myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home."

Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.
She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made.
After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.
She said, "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."
He replied, "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"ONE, NO MORE! In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

Two men were introduced to each other at the club house. They decided to play a quick nine holes, because they were on their lunch hours. When they got to the third hole, they noticed a couple of ladies playing in front of them. They were having a good time, yakking, and in not much of a hurry! One man said to the other, "I'll go down there and ask them if we can play through."
The other guy watched, as his new-found friend trotted down the fairway toward the ladies. About two thirds of the way down, the man turns abruptly, and heads back.
"You're not going to believe this!" he said out of breath, "but, that's my wife and my mistress! I didn't know they even knew each other!"
Well, with that, the other man said, "You stay here. I'll go down and ask if we can play through." He got to the same place, then came trotting back, and said, "Small world isn't it?"

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told here to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test-tickles.

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Then they both went to sleep. The next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah.
In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend. The parrot had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven and really should be allowed to be part of things.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking. Daven!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, very angry and saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

A lady is walking down the street to work and she see's a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said,"That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... the set of "matching luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into his bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.
On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he could handle.
As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act of reproduction.
The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in her ear,"Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?"
"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, that's not our cow."

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners. So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the nerve to pull the trigger."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

A three year old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom."

There was a man who wanted to buy his wife a gift. He thought and he decided that he'd buy her a parrot because she always told him that she's alone while he is at work and a pet would be nice. He went to a petshop and found there a lot of beautiful parrots. But he wanted the most beautiful. So he looked around, and saw a wonderful blue and yellow feathered parrot. He asked about the price.
"10,000 dollars," the salesperson said.
"10,000 dollars is a lot of money. Why is this bird so terribly expensive?"
"Besides his uncommon beauty, he can speak in three foreign languages, he can answer the phone and send a fax," the salesperson replies.
"Ok," said our man, looking around for another one. And there it was. With red and orange feathers, and speaking some language to a parrot in the next cage. "What about that one," the shopper asked.
"Oh, that one is 25,000 dollars."
"Wow!" says our man. "What is this one good for!"
"Again, besides his uncommon beauty, he can speak in seven foreign languages, among which are included Old Greek, he can answer the phone and send a fax, he can use a washing machine, and he can easily learn how to use a lot of the electronic equipment in your home," the answer comes.
"Ok," says our man and he starts looking around for a not so beautiful parrot. He finds a gray feathered one in a corner and says, "How about this one?"
"Sir, this one is $50,000 dollars."
"Incredible! What on earth makes this one so valuable?" he asks astonished.
"Nothing sir, except that all the others keep calling him boss."

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. Besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants so I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," replies the fellow.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

The Gold Metalist, Peak-a-boo Street, has received a heroes welcome from her home town in Oregon. The town is so proud of her they decide to rename a Ward at the local hospital after her. The intensive care unit is now called Peak-a-boo I.C.U.

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three, hmmm, well when were they?" as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her...
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...."

An old guy went into a pharmacy and asked a saleslady where he could find the talcum powder. The lady turned to lead him to it and he noticed that she was very bow-legged. She looked over her shoulder and saw that he wasn't following and said, "Walk this way, please."
"He replied, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"

The following beguiling ideas about science quoted here were Gleaned from students' essays, exams, and class room discussions. After the results of the "raving" US high school mathematics test scores announced, these come as no surprise.

* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
* While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
* We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things when people forget to put the top on.
* H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
* Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
* In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
* Isotherms & isobars are even more important than their names sound.
* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

A boy comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Look at our cars...there's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a
sign from God."
The priest says, "I agree, this must be a sign from God."
The rabbi says, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, yet this bottle of Manichewitz wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune," and he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest says, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi says, "No, I think I'll wait for the police."

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

A old man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. For their 50th anniversary, he wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. He tells this to the woman behind the counter and she goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this on and come down to model it for me"
His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Geez, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?".
"Correct!" says St. Peter and lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

Bob, took his father to a nursing home, last week, and while he was making out the paper work, he had his father sit on a large soft chair, to wait. His poor old father started to lean over to one side, and one of the nurses quickly ran over and put a pillow next to him to prop him up.
Then he started to lean to the other side and she ran over, just as fast, and put a pillow on the other side, to hold him.
A little while later his father started leaning forward, so the nurse put a strap around his chest, to prevent him from falling off the chair.
After Bob finished the paper work, he asked his dad how he liked the place so far.
His father said "It seems OK, so far, except for that one nurse. She wouldn't even let me fart."

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left after an hour.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row...where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

1.Make the first topping you order mushrooms but make sure the last thing you say is "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

2.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

3.Haggle.

4.Order a one-inch pizza.

5.Insist that you must "speak with the big cheese."

6.Tell the person taking the order that you have a rival pizza place on the other line and that you propose to go with the lowest bidder.

7.Give them your address but refuse to discuss toppings. Instead insist that they surprise you.

8.Tell them to "put the crust on top this time."

9.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

10.Stutter consistently on the letter "P".

11.Ask for a special offer that's only available from their competitor.

12.Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

13.Tell the order taker you're depressed. Convince him/her to cheer you up.

14.Change your accent every five seconds.

15.Act like you know the order-taker from somewhere. A line like "Wasn't it Bed-Wetters' Camp?" should go over well.

16.When they repeat the order to make sure it's right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99. Please pull up to the first window."

17.Ask if you can rent a pizza. Tell them about their competitors "rental plan".

18.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, feign excitement.

19.Insist on having your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

20.Imitate the order-taker's voice.

21.Say it's your anniversary and that you'd appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

22.Ask to see a menu.

23.Ask what topping goes best with a 1992 Chardonnay.

24.Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

25.Ask for "the guy who took my order last time."

26.Start the conversation with, "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and... action!"

27.Be as vague as possible with your order, but be very specific about the dimensions for the box.

28.After ordering, say, "I wonder what this button on the phone does." Pretend to be cut off.

29.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

30.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house.
When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to
demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 feet, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."
The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."
The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."