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March, 2002

Worst Food

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding cake."

The Wedding

Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

One Smart Kid

My two-year-old cousin scared us this past summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation.

More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay, Disney World."

The Freshman - Part 2

Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.

One day a freshman was seen looking curiously at the photos. Turning to another student, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

The Freshman

A huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The Almonds

A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."

"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like."

After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visiting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."

Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

Not For The Pros

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Dave, "what the heck do they have to cuss about?"

A Bit Too Far

The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His mentor, a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says 'TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL' ... well, it has GOT TO GO!!"

Friday,  March 22, 2002

Off-the-Mark Inventions

Water-proof towel

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Ejector seat on a helicopter

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chair

Water-proof tea bag

How Many Strokes?

Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf.  He was in a foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap.

Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball.

When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was.

"Three." he replied.

"Oh come on !" said another member of the group. "I heard six."

"Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."

Getting it Right

An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation.    R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

Reasons Why Your Co-worker May Be a Computer Hacker 

You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
 
He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
 
Seems strangely calm whenever the office network goes down.
 
Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
 
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
  
Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
 
When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
 
You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he gets sick  all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Sunday,  March 17, 2002

Saint Patty's Day Groaners

Q.  Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A.  Regular rocks are too heavy.

 
Q.  Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A.  Because they're always a little short.

  
Q.  How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A.  He's Dublin over with laughter!  

 
Q.  What's Irish and stays out all night?

A.  Patty O'furniture!


Q.  How did the Irish Jig get started?

A.  Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!


Q.  What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?

A.  A bachelor.

I Didn't Stop

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that  we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you neffer flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing.!   I didn't stop."

The Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.  But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
 
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And  what did you come up with for my son?" The brother winked and replied, "Danephew."

It's Heaven

An 85-year-old couple, married for 60-some years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful study, a master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.  As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard.  They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.  The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"  The reply was the same; "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.  "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!"  By now, St. Peter was a bit exasperated.  "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.  "That's the best part," said Peter. "You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is Heaven."

On hearing this, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.  Peter and his wife were shocked by this outburst, but they managed to get the man calmed down, to where they could ask him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "It's all your fault that I'm upset.  If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

Weather Forecast

During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed."

Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season.

A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

My Dad

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

My Son

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

What Do You Recommend?

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop.  I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

Learning To Fly

As a new commercial pilot, I found that most of my time and energy was put into learning how to fly a jet.  I could see that my fiancée's patience was wearing thin because I had little time to spend with her. It became even worse when our spring wedding clashed with a new series of required training flights that would take me abroad for more than a month.

At my suggestion we decided to marry sooner. The day was perfect, with no talk of flying.  My heart melted as I watched her walk up the aisle to stand next to me.  But as we recited our vows, I looked into her eyes and said, "With this wing, I thee wed."

Picking Flowers

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware of a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.

Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation.

The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"

To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"

Kitten From Heaven

A Pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward... the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He  happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if the Lord gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask the Lord for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."

The Lawyer Case

I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases. 

I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes.  As I went along, I mentioned the different names:  "The Library Case," "The Standard Case," "The Modern Case,"  "The Video Case" and "The Lawyer Case."

The customer stopped me and asked, "Why do they call it 'The Lawyer Case'?" 

I replied, "If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked."

Perfect Husband

Several men were in the locker room of a private club after exercising.  Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

MAN AT THE CLUB:  "Hello?"
WOMAN ON THE PHONE:  "Honey, It's me.  Are you at the club?"
MAN:  "Yes."
WOMAN:  "Great!  I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.  I saw this beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!  Can I buy it?"
MAN:  "What's the price?"
WOMAN:  "Only $1,500.00"
MAN:  "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
WOMAN:  "Oh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.  I saw one I really liked.  I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price, and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
MAN:  "What price did he quote you?"
WOMAN:  "Only $60,000..."
MAN:  "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN:  "Great!  Before we hang up, though, there's something else..."
MAN:  "What?"
WOMAN:  "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!!  Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property ..."
MAN:  "How much are they asking?"
WOMAN:  "Only $450,000, a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."
MAN:  "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.  Okay?"
WOMAN:  "Okay, sweetie ... thanks!  I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN:  "I love you too.  'Bye sweetheart."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, "Anybody know who this phone belongs to?"

Be Careful What You Wish For...

A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. The genie was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.

The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world. 

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only whacko's want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."

Tax Tip

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

Vacation

For a vacation, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

The Friendly Skies

As one of the relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent, or even a snack-bar employee.  Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot.  Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.  One day I was in the restroom before a flight.  I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me.  "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."