March 31, 2002
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us
long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding
March 30, 2002
Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first
fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill
refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love,
honor and obey."
Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people at the wedding."
March 29, 2002
two-year-old cousin scared us this past summer by disappearing during our
More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and
everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply. "From now on when
you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay, Disney
March 28, 2002
Freshman - Part 2
the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the
past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture
holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63,"
"63-64," "64-65," etc.
One day a freshman was seen looking curiously at the photos. Turning to
another student, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost
by one point?"
March 27, 2002
huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you
tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a
telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and,
in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well,
sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
March 26, 2002
decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith. He
rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I
just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."
"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on
the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like."
After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long
he has been visiting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at
the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your almonds.
I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."
Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my
teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
March 24, 2002
Not For The Pros
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played
golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to
hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he
in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul
"I guess not," said Dave, "what the heck do they have to
March 23, 2002
A Bit Too
The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His
mentor, a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said,
"Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful.
That makes it so convenient for your church members.
And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open
24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father
John... that flashing neon sign that says 'TOOT and TELL or GO to
HELL' ... well, it has GOT TO GO!!"
March 22, 2002
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag
March 21, 2002
mine named Dan hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome when his
ball landed in a sand trap.
Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the
When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes
"Three." he replied.
"Oh come on !" said another member of the group. "I heard
"Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."
March 20, 2002
An office reports that
they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name
and address, and to spell any difficult words.
Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she
heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then
confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation.
March 19, 2002
Why Your Co-worker May Be a Computer Hacker
You ticked him off
once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office network goes down.
Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The
Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.
You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
March 18, 2002
A little guy
gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops
down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the
big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over
him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying
to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea
passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he gets
sick all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the
vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
March 17, 2002
Patty's Day Groaners
Q. Why do
people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A. Because they're always a little short.
Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A. He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q. What's Irish and stays out all night?
A. Patty O'furniture!
Q. How did the Irish Jig get started?
A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A. A bachelor.
March 16, 2002
The German air
controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you neffer
flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing.!
I didn't stop."
March 15, 2002
A man was taking
his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of
control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't
worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the
hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both
you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"
and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you
come up with for my son?" The brother winked and replied, "Danephew."
March 14, 2002
couple, married for 60-some years, died in a car crash. They had been in good
health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and
When they reached
the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out
with a beautiful study, a master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they oohed
and aahed, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went
out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They
would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change
to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man
asked, "What are the greens fees?" The reply was the same;
"This is Heaven -- you play for free."
Next they went to
the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world
laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you
understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" By now, St. Peter was a
bit exasperated. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part,"
said Peter. "You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you
never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
On hearing this,
the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it,
and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife were shocked by this outburst,
but they managed to get the man calmed down, to where they could ask him what
was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "It's all your fault
that I'm upset. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have
been here 10 years ago!"
March 13, 2002
first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going
to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that
the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village
were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The
man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold
Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of
collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season.
A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap
of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service
again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is
going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting
wood like crazy!"
March 12, 2002
Three boys were heading
home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal
one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can
throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just
after it crosses the plate!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from
his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than
mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until
4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
March 11, 2002
were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint.
He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in
over two years."
woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not
looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of
liquor in all that time."
word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month,
I'm going to throw him a big party."
March 10, 2002
Do You Recommend?
chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to
save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I
placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on
the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
March 9, 2002
As a new
commercial pilot, I found that most of my time and energy was put into
learning how to fly a jet. I could see that my fiancée's patience was
wearing thin because I had little time to spend with her. It became even
worse when our spring wedding clashed with a new series of required training
flights that would take me abroad for more than a month.
At my suggestion we decided to marry sooner. The day was perfect, with no
talk of flying. My heart melted as I watched her walk up the aisle to
stand next to me. But as we recited our vows, I looked into her eyes
and said, "With this wing, I thee wed."
March 8, 2002
A young man
was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a
field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had
barely begun romping through the field when he became aware of a rather mean
looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.
Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a
farmer taking in the situation.
The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"
To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same
about you, though!"
March 7, 2002
A Pastor had a
kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The
tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a
rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach
up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car
frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be
bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further
forward... the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten
instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if
they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So, he prayed,
"Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about
his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed
to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he
asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little
girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days
before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
"Well, if the Lord gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her
knees, and ask the Lord for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this,
but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue
sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."
March 6, 2002
working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the
I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and
finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names:
"The Library Case," "The Standard Case," "The
Modern Case," "The Video Case" and "The Lawyer
The customer stopped me and asked, "Why do they call it 'The Lawyer
I replied, "If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are
made just a little crooked."
March 5, 2002
were in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following
MAN AT THE CLUB: "Hello?"
WOMAN ON THE PHONE: "Honey, It's me. Are you at the
WOMAN: "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you
are. I saw this beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!
Can I buy it?"
MAN: "What's the price?"
WOMAN: "Only $1,500.00"
MAN: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
WOMAN: "Oh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman and he gave me a really good price, and since we need to exchange
the BMW that we bought last year..."
MAN: "What price did he quote you?"
WOMAN: "Only $60,000..."
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the
WOMAN: "Great! Before we hang up, though, there's something
WOMAN: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one
with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property
MAN: "How much are they asking?"
WOMAN: "Only $450,000, a magnificent price, and I see that we
have that much in the bank to cover it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.
WOMAN: "Okay, sweetie ... thanks! I'll see you later! I
MAN: "I love you too. 'Bye sweetheart."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding
the phone and asks to all those present, "Anybody know who this phone
March 4, 2002
Careful What You Wish For...
A guy was
walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted
piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the
verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. The genie was so happy to
be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check
Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he
learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer
than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on
board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car
anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for
his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and
billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only
whacko's want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his
third and last.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I
save the third wish for later?"
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape
from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready,"
and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in
the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance
the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio
system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast
Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled
perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the
familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
March 3, 2002
The owner of
a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had
reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only
closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's
these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -
we also deliver."
March 2, 2002
vacation, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong
dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the
top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy
tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it!"
March 1, 2002
As one of
the relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a
flight attendant, ticket agent, or even a snack-bar employee.
Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real"
pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated
field. One day I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at
the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked
over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she
I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."