Friday, March 31, 2000
Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
"Not to imply anything, but I
don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
"Jeeez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."
"Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"
"Roseanne! What have you done with my wife?!"
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"
"That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"
"You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."
Thursday, March 30, 2000
In the men's room at work, the boss
placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it,
immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign
which read, "Thoap!"
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
A reporter was interviewing a 104
year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
She simply replied, "No peer pressure".
We spend the first six
years teaching our children to walk and talk, and the next fifteen years telling them to
be quiet and sit down.
Sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about.
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit
native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey,"
died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the
They had trouble keeping him in the casket. They'd put his left foot in and....well you know the rest...
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
A man is walking down the beach and
comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The
genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In
return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First,
I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light
and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is
of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There is a
flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Monday, March 27, 2000
of Having Kids
Trying to dress an active little one
is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.
There are only two things a child will share willingly communicable diseases and their
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway
during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get
about the same results!
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
This woman was talking to her friend
when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her
how she liked Spokane.
She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."
The friend says, "You never got
there... what do you mean?"
She answers, "You know me, I
have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms', well. . . it takes
longer that you think!"
Saturday, March 25, 2000
This woman's husband had been
slipping in and out of a coma for months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;"You know what? You have
been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When
we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side.... You know what???"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
" I think you're bad luck".
Friday, March 24, 2000
These two guys were approaching the
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why
don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods,
it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit
it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he
is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that
The man replies, "I found it."
Thursday, March 23, 2000
That You're Really Broke
American Express calls and says,
"Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You rob Peter and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
Sally Struthers sends you food.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Wednesday, March 22, 2000
Golfing legend Jack Nicklaus once
asked baseball Hall of Famer Henry "Hank" Aaron what kind of golfer he was.
"It took me 17 years to get three thousand hits in baseball," Aaron replied.
"I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Power of Women
There were 11 people hanging onto a
rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided
that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech
saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to
giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
Monday, March 20, 2000
Death by Beer
Her first husband drowned in a big
vat of beer."
"Oh, that must have been just horrible for him!"
"Couldn't have been that bad -- he climbed out twice for pretzels."
My boss was complaining in a staff
meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went
to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note
to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
10.He shows up with a pair of nail
clippers and a Ziploc bag.
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
1. No toes
Saturday, March 18, 2000
The Van Gogh's
The well known and famous
Artist, Vincent - Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt.....................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach..................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
Friday, March 17, 2000
A guy walks into a suit and tie
restaurant and asks to be seated, but the waiter said "Sir you don't have a suit or
So the guy goes out to his truck and gets a jacket then he goes back in and asks may i be
seated and then the guy says,
"But sir you don't have a tie."
So the guy goes back out to is truck and puts some jumper cords around his neck he goes
back in and says,
"Now may I be seated?"
The waiter says,
"Ok but don't go trying to start something."
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Two young engineers applied for a
single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to
determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager
went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you
missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on
question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Wednesday, March 15, 2000
As ham sandwiches go, it was
perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light
brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our
backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham
sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It wasn't mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine
boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
Tuesday, March 14, 2000
Steven Spielberg was discussing his
new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared
to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love
to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me
playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall.
"I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
Monday, March 13, 2000
Prehistoric Tech Support
The tech support problem
dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a
rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog.
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
You hit them together?
Fire not work.
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing.
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand.
Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
Sunday, March 12, 2000
An elderly farmer wrote to a mail
order house as follows: "Please send me one of the gasoline engines you show on page
787, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll
send the engine."
Saturday, March 11, 2000
A wild-eyed man dressed in a
Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's
office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France
I have everything I could possibly want money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid
my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what
seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs.
Friday, March 10, 2000
Be nice to your kids. They'll
choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Thursday, March 9, 2000
A panhandler was caught trying to
sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, "Beggars can't be
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
A school bus full of kindergarten
students was taking the children home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in
the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children began discussing the dog's
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child came to a different conclusion. "They use the dog," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Tuesday, March 7, 2000
An old lady tried in vain to teach
her parrot to speak. But for 20 years it uttered not a single word. One day it
squawked, "I can't eat this cabbage. It's full of insects!"
"You can talk!" cried the woman. "Why haven't you said anything for
20 years? What inspired you to speak up today?"
"SQUAWK! There hasn't been anything to complain about until today," the
Monday, March 6, 2000
Tony and Guido were watching the 6
o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. Tony turns
to the Guido and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
Guido replies, "Sure, you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and Guido pays Tony the $50.
Tony says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man
"No, ya gotta take it," says Guido. "I watched the 5 o'clock news
too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
Sunday, March 5, 2000
that make you go hmmm...
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a
Saturday, March 4, 2000
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from
me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but
I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney,
using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant,
cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says go to hell! You don't have the
guts to pull the trigger."
Friday, March 3, 2000
A businesswoman ordered a beautiful, expensive
floral arrangement for the opening of her new outlet, and she was furious when it arrived
with a ribbon which read, "May You Rest In Peace."
Apologizing for the mishap, the florist finally got the the businesswoman to calm down
with the reminder that in some funeral home stood an arrangement bearing the words,
"Good Luck in Your New Location."
Thursday, March 2, 2000
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence'
and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here
as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two
words Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food
would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into
his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably for the best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done
since you got here is complain."
Wednesday, March 1, 2000
Who's calling?" was the answer to the
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
Whereupon they both hung up.