February 28, 2002
salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out more life
insurance on her husband. "Suppose your husband were to die," he
said, "What would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I
think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
February 27, 2002
the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I
can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay,
where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much
do I owe you?"
February 26, 2002
Friday night the Garda spotted Sean O"Connell driving very erratically
through the streets of Dublin. They pulled him over and asked him if he had
been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by
the pub where I had six or seven pints.
"And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they
served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
"Then I had to drive me friend Seamus home and O' course I had to go in
for a Guiness or two - couldn't be rude, d'ye know.
"Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later
And he fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of Jamieson's,
which he held up for inspection.
The Garda sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out
of the "car and take a breathalyzer test."
Very Indignantly indeed Sean said, "Why? Don't ye believe me
February 25, 2002
A middle aged woman
has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating
table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God
and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her
recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come
in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years
she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after
the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the
She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had
another 30 years.
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
February 24, 2002
and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a
turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle,
picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy,
you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."
February 23, 2002
A guy walks
into the human resources department of a large company and hands the
executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and
notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is
terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least
I'm not a quitter."
February 22, 2002
A Kansas cyclone
hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off,
picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down
gently in the next county.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between
sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out
February 21, 2002
Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture
is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such
trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.
"Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should
have seen the
trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!"
February 19, 2002
through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new
substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against
a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral
support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid
out of his locker."
February 18, 2002
A pastor was
giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that
one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely,
goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness
and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me
around all the time."
February 17, 2002
We had made
some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight
years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big
He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.
"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like
pancakes that I hate to let you go."
February 16, 2002
Ten T Error
of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. She called
Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and
solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T
error?" What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
February 15, 2002
Maid Did It
executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday,
the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his
physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried
soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I
always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He
tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind
of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got
worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid
said hot water."
February 14, 2002
A duke is
hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a
tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of
each is an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the
duke. "I must find him."
continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy
carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot
the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle,
did you?" asks the duke worriedly.
lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold
is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my
service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came
to be such an outstanding shot."
said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the
target around it."
February 13, 2002
Aboard an El
Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first
flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady
complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that
many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.
"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do
I get it out of my ears?"
February 12, 2002
men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old
man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from
February 11, 2002
Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith
comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from
the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive
and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that
there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.
Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all
she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.
This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only
cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "Why don't you just
double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.
"I just can't do it," his wife weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?"
"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."
"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"
"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8
cups of flour --what is the problem?"
"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake
must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn
the heat up to 700 degrees!"
February 10, 2002
man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to
an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're
going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the
February 9, 2002
decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.
Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former
bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
February 8, 2002
patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first is a young,
healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a
middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his
private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30
years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the attorney's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had
chosen the donor he did.
"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that
hadn't been used."
February 7, 2002
restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans
watching the game on TV. The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of
victory came from the bar.
"Hey," my 11-year-old said, "it sounds like someone just got
February 6, 2002
Norman filled his car
with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away,
he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and
looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done
the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the
road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to
find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found
a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," Norman thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found
another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."
February 5, 2002
David was a
crotchety old fellow who always had breakfast with his wife. He would read
the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days
because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
"David!! David!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we
are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you
David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a
moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
February 4, 2002
A couple months ago, I
entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood
plane in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built
it on my new land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there
And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to
the thunder, it all started to sink in.
February 3, 2002
A Japanese tourist
hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare
Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "ohhh!!!
TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Yet another zipped by, "ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed
that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car
passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "ohh!!!
Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said,
"that'll be $150."
"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."
February 2, 2002
A guy walks
into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the
counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
February 1, 2002
A duel was
fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849. Nott was
shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It
may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that
the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the
shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell
which was shot and which was not.