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February, 2002

Enough Insurance?

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out more life insurance on her husband.  "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

Just My Luck

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Getting Pulled Over

Late one Friday night the Garda spotted Sean O"Connell driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
 
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
 
"And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
 
"Then I had to drive me friend Seamus home and O' course I had to go in for a Guiness or two - couldn't be rude, d'ye know.
 
"Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."
 
And he fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of Jamieson's, which he held up for inspection.
 
The Garda sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the "car and take a breathalyzer test."
 
Very Indignantly indeed Sean said, "Why? Don't ye believe me then?!?"

Heart Attack

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

What A Memory!

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."

Job Hunting

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
 
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
 
"Yes," says the man.
 
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
 
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

Every Dark Cloud...

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said.  "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry.  "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

The Channel Tunnel

An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.

The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture
is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such
trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.

 "Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen the
trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!"

Middle School

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

Surely

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

Changes

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply.  "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

ID Ten T Error

The editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. She called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.  As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error?" What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave her a grin.  "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"

"No."

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

The Maid Did It

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
 
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
 
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
 
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."

First Things First

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must find him."

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. 

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly. 

"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." 

"That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot." 

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

Ear Popping

Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.  They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. 

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Memory Test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"

Duh!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," his wife weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour --what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Another Drunk

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Application Question

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the attorney's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Service

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching the game on TV. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," my 11-year-old said, "it sounds like someone just got his food."

Gas Caps

Norman filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," Norman thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."

Anniversary Celebration

David was a crotchety old fellow who always had breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"David!!  David!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.  What do you suggest?"

David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

Three Time Winner?

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

Taxi Ride

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport.  On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "ohhh!!!  TOYOTA!!!  Made in Japan!!!  Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi.  "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!!  Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "ohh!!!  Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport.  "ohh!!! Honda!!!  Made in Japan!!!  Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll be $150."

"$150?  It was so short a ride!  Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter.  Made in Japan.  Very fast."

Valentine Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
 
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
 
"But why?" asks the man.
 
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Not Shot

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott  in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he  shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be  possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We  think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott,  but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.