Welcome
chuckle

February, 2001

Dinner Invitation

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

Fringe Benefits

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

Those Fools!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take  a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.  "They misspelled my name!"

The Right Choice

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Hot Dog!

A man was walking his dog by the gas station, and while talking to a friend, his dog started lapping up some gasoline that was on the ground.
Suddenly, the dog shot off and the owner ran after him. A short time later, the man came back with the limp dog in his arms. 
His friend asked him, "Is he dead?"
The man answered, "No, he just ran out of gas."

Bait

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please  advise."

 The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl... and re- bait the trap."

Family Traits

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.  "They're so thoughtful," Gayle said.  "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then married.  On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.  "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Jim.  "And I take after my mom."

On The Farm

Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing.  After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.

"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"  Grandma asked.
  
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting it back, but we're making it wider."

The Butcher

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.  When his mother returned  with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted.
Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked.
"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

Sunday,  February 18, 2001

Same Name

Robert Long and his 16 year old son share the same first names.
One evening the telephone rang and the youngster asked to speak to Bob.
"Do you mean senior of junior?" asked Mr. Long
"Neither" came the reply, "The one I want is a sophomore."

Jewish Mother

A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons. A
passerby asks her how old the boys are. "The doctor is three," the mother answers, "and the lawyer is two."

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*That boy's as smart as bait
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*No grain in the silo
*Receiver is off the hook

Medical Records

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Best Man

Jeff had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of "cold feet".  "I can't go through with it," he said. "I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."
I said, "It's just PMS."
"PMS?" he asked.
"Yeah," I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome"

Heeeeeeey!

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.  "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like: "Heeeeeeey!  Can you hear me nowwww!?!"

Things Their Mothers Might Have Said

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD'S MOTHER:
"I don't care, I am not helping you raise all your kids, and who are the fathers? What are they doing to help support them?"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER:
"Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

CUSTER'S MOTHER:
"Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Let It Go

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

SILENT J's

A man from the East Coast is visiting California for the first time, and is conversing with a California native.  He says, "I'll be visiting La Jolla (lah-JOLL-a) next week," whereupon the Californian replies, "Oh, you mean, "La-*HOY*-a?"
"Oh. Yeah, I guess so."  Then he adds, "but right now I'm staying in El Cajon (el-ca-JOHN)," and again the Californian corrects him, "You mean, El Ca *HONE*?"
"Oh. Yeah, right."
Then the Californian asks, "So when will you be returning home?"
The East Coast guy thinks about it for a minute and then answers, "Oh, I don't know, I guess sometime in *HUNE* or *HULY*!"

Friday,  February 9, 2001

DUH!

Debbie came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," Debbie replied.  "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said.  "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," replied Debbie, "there was no one there."

Small Children

Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.

Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Wednesday,  February 7, 2001

Quick Wit

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Tuesday,  February 6, 2001

You Know You're Born and Raised in Small-Town Idaho When. . .

*During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.

*You are related to more than half the town.

*You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.

*Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.

*You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.

*The local gas station sells live bait.

*You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.

*You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.

*You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.

*Using the elevator involves a grain truck.

*Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.

*You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

*You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.

*Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.

*You know cow pies aren't made of beef.

*You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.

*You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.

*You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.

*Your nearest neighbor is in the next zip code. 

*You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.

*You know the handles for everyone on the CB. (Hi Junior Momma!)

*You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.

*You wear your boots to church.

*It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.

*You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.

*The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.

*You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.

*Your main drag in town is two blocks long and only one block of that is paved.

*You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles away.

Getting to Go Out

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

The Classic Flat Tire

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.  Instead of studying,  they decided to party.  They showed at their first exam up telling the professor that they got in late the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.  After studying all night, they arrived to class the next morning and they were told to go into separate classrooms to take the exam. Each senior just shrugged and went to his assigned room.
As each sat down, they read the directions: "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"

Saturday,  February 3, 2001

How To Tell if You're a Geek

You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.

You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.

You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.

A Mugging

A man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.

"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.

"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this...."

He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.

"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"

The mugger left confused and dazed.

"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed the man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both!"

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading,  "Danger! Beware of Dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a  harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."