February 28, 2001
A young man called
his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his
dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
February 27, 2001
Employed by the
human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains
employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans
and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually
today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."
February 26, 2001
were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
February 25, 2001
An angel appears at a
faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and
exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth,
wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
February 24, 2001
A man was walking
his dog by the gas station, and while talking to a friend, his dog started
lapping up some gasoline that was on the ground.
Suddenly, the dog shot off and the owner ran after him. A short time later,
the man came back with the limp dog in his arms.
His friend asked him, "Is he dead?"
The man answered, "No, he just ran out of gas."
February 23, 2001
An elderly couple was
on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching
the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old
man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an
oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl... and re- bait the
February 22, 2001
As Gayle was
getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his
parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Gayle said.
"Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then married. On the way
from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving
parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said,
"does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my
February 21, 2001
was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa
into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours
of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?" Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting
it back, but we're making it wider."
February 20, 2001
A lawyer's dog,
running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast
off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running
unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast
your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days
later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the
The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."
February 19, 2001
Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a
friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women
sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted.
Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother
"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, Ma,
I used the old one!"
February 18, 2001
and his 16 year old son share the same first names.
One evening the telephone rang and the youngster asked to speak to Bob.
"Do you mean senior of junior?" asked Mr. Long
"Neither" came the reply, "The one I want is a sophomore."
February 17, 2001
mother is walking down the street with her two young sons. A
passerby asks her how old the boys are. "The doctor is three," the
mother answers, "and the lawyer is two."
February 16, 2001
Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*That boy's as smart as bait
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*No grain in the silo
*Receiver is off the hook
February 15, 2001
The following quotes
were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only
a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of
gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
February 14, 2001
had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he
asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were
getting dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of "cold
feet". "I can't go through with it," he said. "I'm
nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."
I said, "It's just PMS."
"PMS?" he asked.
"Yeah," I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome"
February 13, 2001
expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had
made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate
at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a
sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
something like: "Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!"
February 12, 2001
Their Mothers Might Have Said
"I don't care, I am not helping you raise all your kids, and who are the
fathers? What are they doing to help support them?"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the
biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit
on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER:
"Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house!
That's the third broken window this week!"
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea
how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
"Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than
you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap
like the other kids?"
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting
to look a little purple."
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is
going to be?"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your
hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can
kiss your allowance good-bye!"
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the
last three days."
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can
have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all
those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas.
Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
February 11, 2001
A minister and
lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on
a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but
instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
February 10, 2001
A man from
the East Coast is visiting California for the first time, and is conversing
with a California native. He says, "I'll be visiting La Jolla (lah-JOLL-a)
next week," whereupon the Californian replies, "Oh, you mean,
"Oh. Yeah, I guess so." Then he adds, "but right now I'm
staying in El Cajon (el-ca-JOHN)," and again the Californian corrects
him, "You mean, El Ca *HONE*?"
"Oh. Yeah, right."
Then the Californian asks, "So when will you be returning home?"
The East Coast guy thinks about it for a minute and then answers, "Oh, I
don't know, I guess sometime in *HUNE* or *HULY*!"
February 9, 2001
came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she
was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all
"Not really," Debbie replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting
backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person
sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," replied Debbie, "there was no one there."
February 8, 2001
Trying to dress an
active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases
and their mother's age.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the
driveway during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and
you get about the same results!
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can
tell when he's really in trouble.
February 7, 2001
I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight
out that they're going to die."
February 6, 2001
Know You're Born and Raised in Small-Town Idaho When. . .
storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
*You are related to more than half the town.
*You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
*Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before
*You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
*The local gas station sells live bait.
*You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.
*You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.
*You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
*Using the elevator involves a grain truck.
*Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
*You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an
*You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
*Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
*You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
*You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.
*You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
*You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
*Your nearest neighbor is in the next zip code.
the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the
*You know the handles for everyone on the CB. (Hi Junior Momma!)
*You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
*You wear your boots to church.
*It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.
*You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.
*The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.
*You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.
*Your main drag in town is two blocks long and only one block of that is
*You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles
February 5, 2001
to Go Out
My Parents had not
been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up
behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that
Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the
family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
February 4, 2001
Classic Flat Tire
college seniors had a week of exams coming up. Instead of
studying, they decided to party. They showed at their first exam
up telling the professor that they got in late the night before due to a flat
tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. After
studying all night, they arrived to class the next morning and they were told
to go into separate classrooms to take the exam. Each senior just shrugged and
went to his assigned room.
As each sat down, they read the directions: "For 5 points, explain the
contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"
February 3, 2001
To Tell if You're a Geek
own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in
the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.
February 2, 2001
A man was
walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and
flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card.
Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed the man. "He gave me a choice. At
home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both!"
February 1, 2001
entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading,
"Danger! Beware of Dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look
like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "Before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."