February,  2000

Visiting The South Titles of Country Songs Urban Dinosaurs
Final Request Are You a Professional? The Snail
The Theory Small Town Cops Getting It Right
White Hair Proverbs for the Year 2000 Believing In the Lord
The Hospital The 10 Commandments
of Email
First Things First
Confirmed Bachelors Children's Tips For
Surviving in the World
Typical Doctor Offend Your Honor The Wedding
In The Newspaper Slow Down! A Bug's Life
Real Answers Slogans for Women's T-shirts The Bum
Chihuahua Price Comparison


Transplant Deafness Overtakes Us Drinking & Driving



Tuesday, February 29, 2000

Drinking & Driving

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in  the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.  

They  jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of   course, still drinking one beer after the other. 

All of a sudden an old  man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the  window! The passenger man screamed out, "eeeeekkk!  Look at my window!!!

There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and  said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly  replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the  driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well, offer him a cigarette!  HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror. 

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing  again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"

Then all of a  sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a  little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man   quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls  up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and  heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God!  HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in  stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

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Monday, February 28, 2000

Deafness Overtakes Us

This old man goes to the doctor and tells him that he thinks that his wife is going deaf, and he'd sure like some advice about how to help her, but knows she will get upset if he approaches her without the evidence.
The doctor tells him that he needs to know exactly how deaf she is before he can give much help. He suggested that the guy go home and find out what distance away he needs to be for his wife to hear him.
So the old man goes home, opens the front door and says: "Hi honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?" but with no reply.
He then moves to the living room and repeats the question, but still gets no reply. Next, he walked to the kitchen door and repeated the same sentence, without any success. Finally, he came right up behind his wife, put his arms around her and said: "Hi honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?"
"For the fourth and last time, you deaf old coot, it's CHICKEN!"


There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so slim. The husband decided to donate some of his skin...however, the only place suitable for the doctor's purposes was from the husband's his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

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Sunday, February 27, 2000


A thin scholarly bespectacled man went into a bar and announced: "Who owned the German Shepherd that was tied up out here?"
A big burly man stood up and said: "That's my dog......why?"
"I'm very sorry to tell you this, but my dog just killed it," the meek man replied.
"That's crazy!!" the burly man sneered. "Man, what kind of dog do you have?"
"A Chihuahua," the man answered sheepishly.
"You're jivin' me! I got that dog from the Marines! He's a trained attack dog!
How the hell could that little runt of yours kill my dog?"
"He got stuck in his throat."

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Saturday, February 26, 2000


An American and a Japanese company decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and  long to reach their peak performance levels until both teams felt they were  ready to demonstrate their prowess.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.  Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was
hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team  had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of additional study and millions spent
analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers,  and a new performance review system for the  person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

Again the big day dawned, the race began, and the Japanese team won by TWO miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for  discovering the problem.

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Friday, February 25, 2000

Price Comparison

Now in the news are all kinds of reports on what oil costs per barrel, how it affects gas prices, airline tickets, heating and air conditioning, etc., etc, etc. Well, here's what the "other stuff" costs by the barrel.

  West Texas Intermediate Crude:  $14.68

  What 'other stuff' costs by the barrel [42 gallons]

  CocaCola:  $ 78.73

  Milk:  $126.00

  Evian Water:  $189.90

  Orange Juice:  $251.16

  Snapple:  $267.12

  Perrier Water:  $328.67

  Lemon Oil:  $390.88

  Crisco Oil:  $435.12

  Scope Mouthwash:  $826.65

  Sunflower Oil:  $971.04

  Olive Oil:  $1,324.38

  Real Maple Syrup:  $1,787.52

  Sesame Oil:  $2,535.61

  Jack Daniel's Bourbon:  $4,133.26

  Visine Eye Drops:  $32,202.24

  Flonase Prescription Nasal Spray:  $238,133.21

These figures tend to put things into a bit of a different perspective... don't they?

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Thursday, February 24, 2000

The Bum

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."

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Wednesday, February 23, 2000

Slogans for Women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac makes us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me.  You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested.  I'm not.

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Tuesday, February 22, 2000

Real Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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Monday, February 21, 2000

Slow Down!

There's this guy riding in the back of a taxi. He suddenly notices that his driver is not even slowing down for the upcoming red light, and together they speed straight through the busy intersection, on red.
"Hey, you just ran a red light!" the passenger shouts nervously. "Relax, man, my brother does it all the time," is the cabby's laid back response.
A minute later, the driver does the same thing again, right through another major intersection. "You did it again!!" the passenger cries in fear. "Man, would ya' quit worrying? I'm telling you, my brother does it all the time."
A block further on, the same story. Another major intersection passes like a blur as the cab goes speeding through the red light. The passenger is growing frantic by now. "You just ran three red lights in a row without even slowing down!!!" he whines, now white as a ghost. "Look man, would you just relax? I'm telling you, it's cool. My brother does it all the time."
But just as these words are leaving his lips, the cabby begins slowing to a stop. By now the passenger is truly confused, since the light just ahead is bright green. "The light's green, so why on earth are we stopping now?" moans the passenger, exasperated. "Oh, this is the part of town where my brother lives." replies the cabby.

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Sunday, February 20, 2000

A Bug's Life

Every night Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.  He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.  The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after Joe finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang.  He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.  The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again.  The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin, and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.  Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all.  The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there.  The bug beat the tar out of Joe and left him  in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day Joe went to see his doctor.  He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do", he pleaded.
"Not much, I'm afraid", the doctor replied.  "There's just a nasty bug going around."

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Saturday, February 19, 2000

In The Newspaper

In the Arizona " Desert Sun" classified:  
"Enthusiastic, friendly, reliable, hard working person for retail store. Must be able to work with demanding customers, grumpy co-workers and unappreciative management. Call for the rest of the story.

In the Oakland, California " Tribune."   
"Sewer/Manhole Repair worker-experienced only. Immediate opening.

From the Connersville, Ind.  "News Examiner" want ads: 
"Local club needs experienced kook to run kitchen.

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Friday, February 18, 2000

Offend Your Honor

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer.  "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.  A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.  He might even find you in contempt of the court.  In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.   As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.  It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What??  You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy.  I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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Thursday, February 17, 2000

The Wedding

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.
"Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked.
"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

Typical Doctor

"Whenever I have a headache," explained  the patient to his doctor, "I take aspirin. When I have a cold, I go to bed and drink fruit juices. If I have stomach trouble, I take bicarbonate of soda. Have I have been doing the right things?"
"Yes, you have," replied the doctor, "That will be forty dollars, please."

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Wednesday, February 16, 2000

Children's Tips For Surviving in the World

Never trust a dog to guard your food. (Patrick age 10)

When your Dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. (Michael, age 14)

Never tell your mom her diet is not working. (Michael, age 14)

Stay away from prunes. (Randy, age 9)

Never pee on an electric fence. (Robert, age 13)

Don't squat with your spurs on. (Noronha, age 13)

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. (Emily, age 10)

When mom is mad at dad, don't let her brush your hair. (Taylia, age 11)

Never allow your 3 year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. (Traci, age 14)

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you are eating crackers. (Mitchell, age 12)

Dogs still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. (Andrew, age 9)

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Armir, age 9)

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts. (Kellie, age 11)

If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse. (Naomi, age 15)

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. (Lauren, age 9)

Don't pick on your sister when she is holding a baseball bat. (Joel, age 10)

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she is on the phone. (Alyesha, age 13)

Never try to baptize a cat. (Eileen, age 8)

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Tuesday, February 15, 2000


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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Monday, February 14, 2000

Confirmed Bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifting from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too fancy?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...'"

First Things First

"William," said the Sunday school teacher, "can you tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the boy. "We've got to sin."

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Sunday, February 13, 2000

The Hospital

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble and he died of malaria."
"Relax" the nurse said, smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

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Saturday, February 12, 2000

The 10 Commandments of Email

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

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Friday, February 11, 2000

Believing In the Lord

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean.  All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.  As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him.   His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy.  He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist.   Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark?  Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light is retracted back into The heavens and the man feels the water begin to move once again.  As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of  a sudden the shark stops and pulls back.  Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive."

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Thursday, February 10, 2000

Proverbs for the Year 2000

1.      Home is where you hang your @.
2.      The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3.      A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4.      You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
5.      Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
6.      Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
7.      Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
8.      Too many clicks spoil the browse.
9.      The geek shall inherit the earth.
10.     There's no place like http://www.home.com
11.     Don't byte off more than you can view.
12.     Fax is stranger than fiction.
13.     What boots up must come down.
14.     Windows will never cease.
15.     Virtual reality is its own reward.
16.     Modulation in all things.
17.     Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
        teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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Wednesday, February 9, 2000

White Hair

One day, a little Mary is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Tuesday, February 8, 2000

Getting It Right - PG-13

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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Monday, February 7, 2000

Small Town Cops

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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Sunday, February 6, 2000

The Theory

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of
their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile.  Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.  
"Once a day, then?"  Again the answer is no. 
"Twice a week?"  "No."
"Twice a month?"  "No." 
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man,
"What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

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Saturday, February 5, 2000

The Snail

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the heck was that all about?"

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Friday, February 4, 2000

Are You a Professional?

The following 4 question quiz will tell if you are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals that take this exam have failed. Read the question, make your answer and then scroll down for the answer of that question.

   Okay ... here we go Question #1:

   1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

   The Correct answer is:
   Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door.
   Simple enough?
   This question tests whether you are doing simple tasks in a complicated way.

   Question 2:

   2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?

   Answer to #2----

   If you said: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and
   close the refrigerator door...YOU ARE WRONG!
   The correct answer:
   Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
   close the refrigerator door.
   This question tests your prudence.

   Question 3:

   3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
   All the animals attend, except one.
   Which animal does not attend?

   Answer to #3:

   The correct answer: The Elephant.
   Why? The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
   The question tests whether you have comprehensive thinking.

   If you did not answer correctly the last 3 questions, this on may
   be your last chance to testify your qualifications to be a professional.

   Question 4:

   4. There is a river, which is habituated by crocodiles.
   How do you manage to cross the river?




   Correct Answer:

   Simply swim through it to the other side.
   All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting.

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Thursday, February 3, 2000

Final Request

A man goes to the Doctor and is told he has only 24 hours to live.

Desperately considering how he would like to spend his last day on Earth, he goes home to his wife and tells her his sad story.  He remarks that he never really had the sex life he wanted and he would like to have sex with her every hour on the hour throughout the night. The wife agrees and they go to bed. He awakens her at eight o'clock and they make love.  He awakens her at nine o'clock and they make love.  He awakens her at  ten o'clock, and so on through the night until three AM when the wife says.   "Enough already!  I've got to get up in the morning.  You don't."

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Wednesday, February 2, 2000

Urban Dinosaurs

A little boy was taking the tour of a national park recently with his family. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. Hearing this, the boy exclaimed, "Wow, I can't believe dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

Titles of Country Songs

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8 . I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't
Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

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Tuesday, February 1, 2000

Visiting The South

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.

When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn
is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

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