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chuckle

January, 2002

The Same Age

The census taker knocked on Donna's door.  She answered all his questions except one.  She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Who Sneezed?

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when one of the staff officers sneezed.

"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.

"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"

Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who   schneezed."

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."

What Doctors Say and What They Really Mean

They Say:  "This should be taken care of right away."
They Mean:  "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

They Say:  "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
They Mean:  "I have no idea and I'm hoping you'll give him a clue."

They Say:  "Let me check your medical history."
They Mean:  "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you."

They Say:  "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
They Mean:  "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is keeping me from the links."
--or--  "I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

They Say:  "We have some good news and some bad news."
They Mean:  "The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.  The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."

A Bug

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.  Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.  The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.  "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

On Another Line

My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area.  He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.

Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang.  My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings

Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on phone

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what s/he does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Him/herself Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

Why Me?

The banker had called the man in to talk about his account. "Your financial affairs are in a mess.  Your wife constantly overdraws your account.  She is behind in her charge accounts at the department store, and her check stubs are all added wrong. Why don't you talk to her about it?"

"Because," said the man, "I would rather argue with you than with her."

Insulted?

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother?  How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know.  But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written:

PS.  Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

Deer Season

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.  Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer.  No one raised a hand.  Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it.  Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked.  They're all safe."

Is That Brad Pitt?

A woman traveling in Los Angeles was a little star-struck. One night she was dining out, when she suddenly stopped eating and summoned the waiter. 

"That's Brad Pitt at that table over there, isn't it?" she asked excitedly.

He assured her that it was.

"Well, he's annoying me," she said.

"Annoying you?"  the waiter raised an eyebrow.  "Why, he hasn't even looked at you!"

"That," said the woman, "is what's annoying me."

More Headlines

Alzheimer's Center Prepares for An Affair to Remember

Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Man Found Dead in Cemetery

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Red Tape Holds up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,328

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Stockbroker

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

Headlines

Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip

Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentences

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Just Checking

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.  Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area.  The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.  "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," the man said.  "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"  I asked.

"I'm the guy who drives the plow."

A Letter Home

"Dear Mom and Dad,
  I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
  I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin

P.S.  I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the  box at the corner.  I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed  that I could get it  back.  But it was too late."

             ````````````````````
  A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
 
            "Your prayers were answered. 
               Your letter never came!"

The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
 
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
 
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Taxiway Mayhem

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta.  Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."  The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LAG was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Life Saver

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Weather Prediction

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Bringing Home Another

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.  It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately.  "Does she cook?"

Before It Starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." 

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

Reported As True

The following story is told about a United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, who was confronted by a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton Airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The folks behind him in line began laughing hysterically. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Locked Out

One afternoon a lady rushed out of the house, forgetting her  keys, and found herself locked out.  There was nothing she could do but wait for her husband to come home.  She went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in.  After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.

"So what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

Getting Help

Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Stanley had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened.
An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.

"Okay," said Stanley, "but we're almost out of arrows."

Circling Vultures

A lawyer was hopelessly lost in the desert with no food or water, and vultures were circling overhead. When the lawyer finally died, however, the vultures continued to circle overhead and never did land to devour him. Know why? 

Professional courtesy!

Poker Face

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Waiting Too Long

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.  By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before New Years!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.  "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

New Principal

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

A New York Contractor

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
 
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it
out.
 
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
 
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
 
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
 
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
 
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

Uses for Holiday Fruitcakes

*  Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

*  Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

*  Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.

*  Use as railroad ties.

*  Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

*  Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

*  Use instead of cement shoes.

*  Save for next summer's garage sale.

*  Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

*  Two words: pin cushion.

What to Play

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
 
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
 
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
 
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up. 
 
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.