January 31, 2002
taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except
one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they
are," she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
January 30, 2002
Adolf Hitler was
conducting a General Staff meeting, when one of the staff officers sneezed.
"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of
Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen
you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out
of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you
shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and
"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said,
"It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."
January 29, 2002
Doctors Say and What They Really Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
"I have no idea and I'm hoping you'll give him a clue."
"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is keeping me from the
--or-- "I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office
"We have some good news and some bad news."
"The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news
is, you're going to pay for it."
January 28, 2002
clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie
that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon
after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind
off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round
disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it
might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent
the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results
of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from,"
the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays
January 27, 2002
sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of
operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the
Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about
his patients in the evening.
Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident
at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang. My sister-in-law
answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm
talking to Christ."
January 26, 2002
Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings
Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what s/he does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Him/herself Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
January 25, 2002
had called the man in to talk about his account. "Your financial
affairs are in a mess. Your wife constantly overdraws your account.
She is behind in her charge accounts at the department store, and her check
stubs are all added wrong. Why don't you talk to her about it?"
"Because," said the man, "I would rather argue with you than
January 24, 2002
When the man came
home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the
other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I
opened it because I was curious."
"At the end of the letter it was written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't
forget to give it to my son."
January 23, 2002
church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor
asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the
pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were
missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
January 22, 2002
That Brad Pitt?
A woman traveling in Los
Angeles was a little star-struck. One night she was dining out, when she
suddenly stopped eating and summoned the waiter.
"That's Brad Pitt at
that table over there, isn't it?" she asked excitedly.
He assured her that it
"Well, he's annoying
me," she said.
the waiter raised an eyebrow. "Why, he hasn't even looked at
the woman, "is what's annoying me."
January 21, 2002
Center Prepares for An Affair to Remember
Clears Out Taco Bell
Refuse to Work After Death
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Painting Found by Tree
Dead in Cemetery
Holds up New Bridge
are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
January 20, 2002
stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm
sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd
like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now
I'd say he's sheepish."
January 19, 2002
are Turning to Vegetables
Planned For Next August
Bishop Appointed To See
Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip
Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Speech Ends in Long Sentences
Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
January 18, 2002
I was inspecting
communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in
flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a
snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then
gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the
passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land,"
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks
plowed to me," I commented.
"No," the man said. "It hasn't been cleared for some
"How can you tell?" I asked.
"I'm the guy who drives the plow."
January 17, 2002
Mom and Dad,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel
ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in
the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it.
I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
"Your prayers were answered.
Your letter never came!"
January 16, 2002
An old man
goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living
with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
January 15, 2002
the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn
and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller
(a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told
you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on
"Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the
difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort
this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!
Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control
frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LAG was running
Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I
married to you once?"
January 14, 2002
After hearing that
one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide
attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's
file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're
ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself
with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him
up to dry."
January 13, 2002
The Indians asked
their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really
knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold
and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going
to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every
scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting
wood like crazy!"
January 12, 2002
When our second child
was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples
who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of
breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you
so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about
that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
January 11, 2002
A man comes home from
an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the
television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He
finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious.
She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer
and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob,
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
January 10, 2002
The following story
is told about a United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, who was
confronted by a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo:
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton Airport, a crowded United
flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to
The folks behind him in line began laughing hysterically. Although the
flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
January 9, 2002
One afternoon a lady
rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked
out. There was nothing she could do but wait for her husband to come
home. She went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.
"You locked yourself out?" he asked.
"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first
time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted
plant on the deck.
"So what's the problem?"
"I took the plants in for the winter."
January 8, 2002
Two idiots were hunting
in the woods when they lost their way. Stanley had read that when lost, you fire
three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened.
An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him
to try a third time.
"Okay," said Stanley, "but we're almost out of arrows."
January 7, 2002
A lawyer was
hopelessly lost in the desert with no food or water, and vultures were
circling overhead. When the lawyer finally died, however, the vultures
continued to circle overhead and never did land to devour him. Know
January 6, 2002
A man walked by a
table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was
exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
January 5, 2002
A woman was waiting
in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a
mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep
sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
before New Years!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that
wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be
home in no time."
January 4, 2002
As a new school principal,
Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and
teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation
for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a
Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less
elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think
it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take
things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the
children, don't we?"
January 3, 2002
New York Contractor
were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York,
another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey,
we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it
and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will
run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil,
did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for
$700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even
measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire
the guy from Texas."
January 2, 2002
for Holiday Fruitcakes
* Use slices to
balance that wobbly kitchen table.
* Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
* Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
* Use as railroad ties.
* Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
* Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
* Use instead of cement shoes.
* Save for next summer's garage sale.
* Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
* Two words: pin cushion.
January 1, 2002
A woman was in a
gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have
no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.