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chuckle

January, 2001

The Preacher

Two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew with a fiery preacher at the front of the church. When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN...BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again, "PREACH IT REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON BROTHER... TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preachin' and now he's meddlin'."

As Seen By A Child

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Just As Skilled?

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the young girl behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Bear Hunters - A Classic

Two men went bear hunting.  While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.  He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.  He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.  Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Friday,  January 26, 2001

Psychic

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins  warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?

Abused

While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge."

Once Is Not Enough

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

Out Smarted

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

True Love

The wife turned to her husband and said, "Will you love me when my hair turns gray?"
"Why not?" he said. Haven't I loved you through the other five shades?"

Why Daddy?

A small boy was quizzing his daddy. He asked, "Is it true that the stork brings babies?"
"Yes, Johnny."
"And Christmas presents come from Santa?"
"Yes, Johnny."
"And the Lord gives us our daily bread?"
"Yes, Johnny, that's true too."
"Then Daddy" he said, "Why do we need you?"

Getting The Point Across

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.

He started the letter:  "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese." No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses."  Is that right? Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."

Controlling Air Traffic

The controller, working a busy pattern, told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Grabbing A Quick One

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Thursday,  January 18, 2001

In A Childs Eyes

Billy, a child of about four years old, loved having ice cream after dinner every evening. He would sit on his mother's lap and have a small bowl for dessert. Unfortunately, he developed the habit of licking the bowl afterwards to "make sure he got it all".

This went on for a while, much to his mother's chagrin. Finally, trying to tactfully hint that it was not such a great idea, she said, "You know, when I was your age, my mother said that licking my dish was a VERY impolite thing to do."

Bryant thought a minute, and then responded, "Well you can do it
now if you like, because I don't mind at ALL!"

On The Run

An Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying at the firing range. They had been issued their last round of ammo and were firing at the silhouettes, when a great gust of wind ripped the targets from their frames, and they fluttered away.

Firing stopped as they looked to the range officials. 

"Keep shooting, Boys,"  a voice yelled. "We've got 'em on the run now."

You've Got To Be Kidding!

A woman was with husband at a baseball game in New York's Yankee Stadium when she decided to get herself a hot dog.  As she stood up, her husband asked her to buy him a beer.  The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.
"You've got to be kidding," she said.  "I'm almost 40 years old."  She apologized, but she said she had to insist.
When the woman showed her driver's license, the clerk served her the beer. "That will be $4.25."
The woman gave her $5 and told her to keep the change.  "The tip's for carding me," she said.
She put the change into her tip cup.  "Thanks," she said.  "Works every time."

Damn Yankees

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.  He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does ya go to school?"  The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YA GO TO SCHOOL?"

Evening Prayers

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this:

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"

Getting Into Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. When he arrived, Saint Peter said," You must be able to spell a word before I can let you in."
"Fine" replied the man, "What's the word?"
Saint Peter looked at the man and said, "Your word is love, please spell it and you will be admitted."
"L-O-V-E" said the man and Saint Peter let him through the pearly gates. Just then, Saint Peter was called away. He aid to the man, "You mind the gate and remember if anyone comes, he or she must spell a word."
About 10 minutes later the mans wife shows up at the gates. "What are you doing here?" he says.
"After the funeral, I was in a car accident and here I am." she replied.
"Fine" he said "But Saint Peter said that you must be able to spell a word before I can let you in."
"That's ok, what's the word?"
He replied "Czechoslovakia."

What A Relief!

There's a banging on old Joe's country shack in the middle of the night. He gets up, rubs his eyes, opens the door: It is the Grim Reaper grinning and pointing at him.

"You come with me!"

"Oh," old Joe says, "am I glad to see you. 

"I thought it was the IRS."

Love:  Before and After

BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

A Groaner!

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

 The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is  Nothing Sacred?

Who's There?

Two thieves decided to break into a rich man's house one night. To avoid being seen by anyone they decided to enter through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man.
"Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat. Convinced that it was only a cat the rich man went back to watching the television. After a while the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first thief.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man once again.
Convinced that he could trick the rich man the second thief replied: 
" It's just another cat, sir!"

It's Great

Three blind mice went to heaven, and Saint Peter asked how they liked it. 
"Oh, it's great but it's too large, it takes too long to get anywhere," they replied.
Saint Peter thought for a moment and then gave them each a pair of roller skates and they skated all around heaven.
Later, Saint Peter came across a cat and asked, "How do you like it up here?".
"Oh, I think it's just great," replied the cat. "I especially like those meals on wheels!"

Denominations

A woman went to the post office and asked for five dollars worth of stamps.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
 "Well" said the lady angrily, "I never expected it would come to this but, if you must know, I'm a Methodist."

Oops!

A man about town was sitting in a barbers chair having a shave and a manicure. 
"You're cute." he said to the pretty young manicurist. "How about a date tonight?"
The manicurist smiled at him and said, "I'm sorry but you see, I'm married."
"Big deal" said the man, "Phone the bum and tell him you'll be home late tonight."
"You tell him," she said sweetly. "He's shaving you."

Grandma's Visit

On the first night of his grandmothers visit, a small boy was saying his prayers. 

"Please God, " he shouted, "please send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a..."

"Why are you praying so loud?" his brother asked. "God isn't deaf."

"I know he isn't," said the boy, "But Grandma is!"

It Figures!

An attorney told his client, "You pay $1000 now and $500 a month for thirty-six months."

"That sounds like buying a car," said the client.

The lawyer nodded, "I am"

All Alike

A teenager was enthusiastically describing her new boyfriend to her father.
"He sounds very nice, dear," said the father, "but does he have any money?"
"Oh, you men are all alike," answered the daughter. "Bob asked me the same thing about you."

Old Age

A young doctor examined an old man. "How do you feel?" asked the young doctor.
"Not so good" answered the old man, "My left leg is giving me fits, it hurts something awful!"
"Oh, don't you think it's just old age my friend?" asked the doctor.
"No" said the old man, "My right one is the same age as my left and it don't hurt none!"

Exact Chance

Nurse:  How old are you?
Patient:  None of your business.
Nurse:  But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient:  Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse:  Yes.  Fifty.
Patient:  All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse:  Zero.
Patient:  Right.  And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Duel

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

Corporal Punishment

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.  He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sure. "
The Corporal turned red.  He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again.  Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sir, No, SIR!"