January 31, 2001
elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew with a
fiery preacher at the front of the church. When the preacher condemned
the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs,
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again,
"PREACH IT REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their
feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON BROTHER... TELL IT LIKE IT
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and
one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preachin' and now
January 30, 2001
Seen By A Child
A little boy
opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the
old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up
the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's underwear!"
January 29, 2001
woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars
to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."
really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an
automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who
serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."
that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."
January 28, 2001
tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one tourist asked the young girl behind the counter, "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce
where we are...very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
January 27, 2001
Hunters - A Classic
men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear
was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another!"
January 26, 2001
woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed
grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins
warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?
January 25, 2001
giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with
dark, savage bruises.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge."
January 24, 2001
Is Not Enough
A tom cat and a
tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll
die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many
January 23, 2001
Walking up to a
department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this
material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly
measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside
her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
January 22, 2001
The wife turned to
her husband and said, "Will you love me when my hair turns gray?"
"Why not?" he said. Haven't I loved you through the other five
small boy was quizzing his daddy. He asked, "Is it true that the stork
"And Christmas presents come from Santa?"
"And the Lord gives us our daily bread?"
"Yes, Johnny, that's true too."
"Then Daddy" he said, "Why do we need you?"
January 21, 2001
The Point Across
A zookeeper wanted
to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the
only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."
No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two
Mongooses." Is that right? Finally, he got an idea: "To whom
it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another
January 20, 2001
working a busy pattern, told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a
complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
January 19, 2001
Grabbing A Quick One
Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long
passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to
sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!"
need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some
extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together
with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their
places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the
conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of
the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
January 18, 2001
Billy, a child of about four years old, loved having
ice cream after dinner every evening. He would sit on his mother's lap and have
a small bowl for dessert. Unfortunately, he developed the habit of licking the
bowl afterwards to "make sure he got it all".
This went on for a while, much to his mother's chagrin.
Finally, trying to tactfully hint that it was not such a great idea, she said,
"You know, when I was your age, my mother said that licking my dish was a
VERY impolite thing to do."
Bryant thought a minute, and then responded, "Well you can do it
now if you like, because I don't mind at ALL!"
January 17, 2001
On The Run
Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying at the firing range. They
had been issued their last round of ammo and were firing at the silhouettes,
when a great gust of wind ripped the targets from their frames, and they
Firing stopped as they looked to
the range officials.
"Keep shooting, Boys," a voice yelled. "We've got 'em
on the run now."
January 16, 2001
Got To Be Kidding!
A woman was with husband at a baseball game in New
York's Yankee Stadium when she decided to get herself a hot dog. As she
stood up, her husband asked her to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the
concession stand asked to see verification of age.
"You've got to be kidding," she said. "I'm almost 40 years
old." She apologized, but she said she had to insist.
When the woman showed her driver's license, the clerk served her the beer.
"That will be $4.25."
The woman gave her $5 and told her to keep the change. "The tip's for
carding me," she said.
She put the change into her tip cup. "Thanks," she said.
"Works every time."
January 15, 2001
A University of Alabama football
player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went
to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up
a conversation with the line, "Where does ya go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern
drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YA GO
Every evening, a mother
and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One
night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this:
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should
die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
January 14, 2001
A man died and went to heaven. When he
arrived, Saint Peter said," You must be able to spell a word before I can
let you in."
"Fine" replied the man, "What's the word?"
Saint Peter looked at the man and said, "Your word is love, please spell it
and you will be admitted."
"L-O-V-E" said the man and Saint Peter let him through the pearly
gates. Just then, Saint Peter was called away. He aid to the man, "You mind
the gate and remember if anyone comes, he or she must spell a word."
About 10 minutes later the mans wife shows up at the gates. "What are you
doing here?" he says.
"After the funeral, I was in a car accident and here I am." she
"Fine" he said "But Saint Peter said that you must be able to
spell a word before I can let you in."
"That's ok, what's the word?"
He replied "Czechoslovakia."
January 13, 2001
What A Relief!
There's a banging on old Joe's country
shack in the middle of the night. He gets up, rubs his eyes, opens the door: It
is the Grim Reaper grinning and pointing at him.
"You come with me!"
"Oh," old Joe says, "am I
glad to see you.
"I thought it was the IRS."
January 12, 2001
Before and After
BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football
BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.
BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem
BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom
BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl
BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.
BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant
BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration
BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end
January 11, 2001
A man was passing a small courtyard
and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner
that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting
hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked,
"Is Nothing Sacred?
January 10, 2001
Two thieves decided to break into a rich
man's house one night. To avoid being seen by anyone they decided to enter through
the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home the first thief began to
climb down the chimney, quite noisily.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man.
"Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat. Convinced
that it was only a cat the rich man went back to watching the television. After
a while the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as
noisily as the first thief.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man once again.
Convinced that he could trick the rich man the second thief replied:
" It's just another cat, sir!"
January 9, 2001
Three blind mice went to heaven,
and Saint Peter asked how they liked it.
"Oh, it's great but it's too
large, it takes too long to get anywhere," they replied.
Saint Peter thought for a moment
and then gave them each a pair of roller skates and they skated all around
Later, Saint Peter came across a
cat and asked, "How do you like it up here?".
"Oh, I think it's just
great," replied the cat. "I especially like those meals on
January 8, 2001
A woman went
to the post office and asked for five dollars worth of stamps.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Well" said the lady angrily, "I never expected it would
come to this but, if you must know, I'm a Methodist."
January 7, 2001
A man about
town was sitting in a barbers chair having a shave and a manicure.
"You're cute." he said to the pretty young manicurist. "How about
a date tonight?"
The manicurist smiled at him and said, "I'm sorry but you see, I'm
"Big deal" said the man, "Phone the bum and tell him you'll be
home late tonight."
"You tell him," she said sweetly. "He's shaving you."
January 6, 2001
On the first
night of his grandmothers visit, a small boy was saying his prayers.
God, " he shouted, "please send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a..."
are you praying so loud?" his brother asked. "God isn't deaf."
he isn't," said the boy, "But Grandma is!"
January 5, 2001
told his client, "You pay $1000 now and $500 a month for thirty-six
sounds like buying a car," said the client.
lawyer nodded, "I am"
January 4, 2001
teenager was enthusiastically describing her new boyfriend to her father.
"He sounds very nice, dear," said the father, "but does he
have any money?"
"Oh, you men are all alike," answered the daughter. "Bob
asked me the same thing about you."
young doctor examined an old man. "How do you feel?" asked the young
"Not so good" answered the old man, "My left leg is giving me
fits, it hurts something awful!"
"Oh, don't you think it's just old age my friend?" asked the doctor.
"No" said the old man, "My right one is the same age as my left
and it don't hurt none!"
January 3, 2001
How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my
January 2, 2001
little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn
clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was
patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And,
you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
January 1, 2001
Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.
He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him,
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sure. "
The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a
superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change
for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sir, No, SIR!"