Monday, January 31, 2000
Thoughts of Steven Wright
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get
older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I
wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Sunday, January 30, 2000
God Will Help
There was a man called him Jim, who
lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb
onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get
in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So,
the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and
the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will
take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and
lowers a ladder. The man in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim says "That's ok, God will take care of me."
The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is
face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you
Saturday, January 29, 2000
If you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
How can you tell if you're using invisible ink?
If exercise is so good for you, why do athletes need to retire by age 35?
Friday, January 28, 2000
One night, a father overheard his son
saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Good-bye
Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about
it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers,
"God bless Mommy and Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day, the
Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.
Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Good-bye
Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack.
The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He
stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was
still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I
had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the
porch this morning!"
Thursday, January 27, 2000
the Mouths of Babes
For weeks a five-year old girl kept
telling her first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at her
One day the mother allowed the little girl to feel the movements of the unborn child. The
five-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, she stopped
telling her teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the girl on her lap and said, "Mary, whatever has become of
that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Mary burst into tears and said, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Wednesday, January 26, 2000
Blind Man In
There once was a blind man who
decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
"Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he
ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered
the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared
to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Tuesday, January 25, 2000
A farmer lived on a quiet rural
highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The
traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three
to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do
something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do
something about those drivers."
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something
about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for
three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all
right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let
the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got
no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff
decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm
very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd
better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there
that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet
of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
Monday, January 24, 2000
Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from
actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six
children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my
baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year
and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can
you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is
missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to
do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead.
The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have
branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy
weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my
three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks
ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I
will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl.
Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck
driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have
given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have
been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't
improve I will have to send for another doctor.
17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and
when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.
Sunday, January 23, 2000
Rabbit and the Bear
Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other
very much and one day, while they were walking through the woods they came across a golden
The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these
They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six
You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared
immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and
the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board
and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he
could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the
world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear
was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Saturday, January 22, 2000
Jack was looking over greeting cards.
The salesman said, "Here's a nice one - 'To The Only Girl I Ever Loved.'"
"Great," said Jack. "I'll take six."
The salesman said, "Here's a nice one - 'To The Only Girl I Ever Loved.'"
"Great," said Jack. "I'll take six."
Friday, January 21, 2000
The bartender was washing his
glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in, and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg
over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The
Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, and slowness of movement. He
shuffled up to the barstool, and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said
to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep
nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him, and said, "For
your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg,
and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head, and did a flip
out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck; and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't
touch me, I'm a'drawin' disability!"
Thursday, January 20, 2000
To Ask Your Boss For A Raise
* You take your paycheck to the bank
and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
* The Red Cross calls and offers you
* Your only charge cards are for the
Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
* You work full time and you still
qualify for food stamps.
* You empty out your piggy bank and
then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
* All you can think about morning,
noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
* You file your income taxes and the
IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
* You set the world record for
mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
* You pay all your bills, put your
remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
* You get arrested for taking the
coins out of the fountain in the mall.
Wednesday, January 19, 2000
One nice thing about egotists: They
don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Tuesday, January 18, 2000
After a long day on the course, an
exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the absolute worst
caddie in the world."
No, I don't think so," said the caddie. "That would be too much of a
A 90-year-old man was having his
annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been
better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew
a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit
of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So there he
was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his
umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor finished, "The
bear dropped dead in front of him!"
exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Monday, January 17, 2000
1) Thank you. We're all
refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15) How about never? Is never good for you?
16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Sunday, January 16, 2000
Three guys are convicted of a very
serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're
each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big
stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred
cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says,
"I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new
kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been
so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody
got a match?"
Saturday, January 15, 2000
A traveling salesman knocks on
the door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a
pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.
The salesman is a little startled by the sight so he asks, "Excuse me son, are
your parents home?"
The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, "What the hell do you
Friday, January 14, 2000
An eighty-year-old man was having an
annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began
muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to
give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
A man walked into a bar, sat down,
and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at
the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he
told the bartender. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things,
and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're
Thursday, January 13, 2000
A man was getting a haircut prior to
a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of
Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes
are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are
you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy
trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him
about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on
time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old
stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great!
They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in
the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential
suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me
on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
Wednesday, January 12, 2000
What should be the official name for
Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York abode?
There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll
Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon,
On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for
the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required
the names to be in relative good taste, original and should capture the essence of one or
both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the
Clinton's new home included:
The House of Bill's Repute
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
But the clear, hands-down winner was...DISGRACELAND
Tuesday, January 11, 2000
Not Just the
A man walked into a therapist's
office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how
hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your
self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.
Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.
But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best
moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Monday, January 10, 2000
Hillary Clinton died and went to
Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour Heaven when she noticed that there were
dozens of clocks on the wall.
Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the
clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they
tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is
told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to
Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for
Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked "where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office... He is using it as a ceiling
Sunday, January 9, 2000
The Sales Pitch
Airman Jones was assigned to the
induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to
Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said.
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to
pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle
and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which people do you think the government is going to
send into battle first?"
Saturday, January 8, 2000
Smoking Vs Sex
A man called into a local radio
station and told the 'morning guys' that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
His reply: "Until my girlfriend breaks up with me."
Friday, January 7, 2000
When the family came to America from
Hungary my Uncle and his new brother-in-law decided to move their families to Arkansas. In
the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to
make a garden. Until he was 72, my Uncle used one and contended that if you knew
what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.
Well, he had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really
needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer.
Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist. At the dealer's place he was
surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years. (Mules live a
long time). After examinations of the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he
only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.
After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, my old Uncle made
arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase and the
dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him. Early the next day, my Uncle returned to be
faced with some bad news.
"Jacob," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm
real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring
Jacob replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it.
Where's the mule now?"
"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute
while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's
my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I
can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."
Well, my Uncle loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule
dealer happens to drive by Jacob's place and is astonished to see him working his garden
on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jacob over and
asks him how in the world he managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months
before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.
"Well", my Uncle explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this
idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up.
Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment"
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jacob! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a
lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his
Thursday, January 6, 2000
You're Not a
A man is driving down the road and
breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to
fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound
was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks
accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that
he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're
not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find
out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass
there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will
become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of
the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked
for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way
to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is
right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I
have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The
monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands
another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man
is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is
amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Wednesday, January 5, 2000
A woman went to doctors office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the
examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor
stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down
and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard."Cured her
hiccups though, didn't I?"
Tuesday, January 4, 2000
I Got Married
A daughter comes home from the
peace corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the
Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me?
What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing
before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth
beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams,
"Dummy, Stupid, Idiot..... I said RICH doctor!"
Monday, January 3, 2000
The other day I had the
opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the
rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.
While I was in his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." He responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
Sunday, January 2, 2000
Three guys are walking on the
road. Their names are Nothing, Crazy and Nobody. As they were crossing on a bridge, Nobody
leaned over and fell in the water. Nothing alerts Crazy, "Quick call 911!"
Crazy arrives at a phone and dials 911. Frantically he shouts "Hello! I'm Crazy, I'm
calling for nothing and nobody fell in the water!!"
Saturday, January 1, 2000
The Magic Touch
A caravan of gypsies arrived in a
small town in Kansas. A local lady heard about this band of mystics and decided to
see if a particular miracle worker tagged along with them. Asking around for this healer,
she found herself inside a tent. "Are You Bernardo the Miracle Man?" she
asked the old man.
"Yes, I am," he replied, pleased to find someone interested in his services.
"Is it true that you clasped the ears of a deaf man and gave him the ability to
"Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.
"Is it true that you brushed your fingers against the eyelids of a blind man and gave
him the ability to see?"
"Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo.
At this point she went outside of the tent and rolled in her husband who sat in a
wheelchair looking lifeless. "Well then, do you think you could help my
"I can try," Bernardo said. "Is he paralyzed?"
"Even worse," she replied. "He works for the state."