January, 2000

The Magic Touch Three Guys Secret of Success
I Got Married The Patient You're Not a Monk
Smoking Vs Sex A Real Businessman The Sales Pitch
Life Clocks Not Just the Lonely Clinton's New Home
The Trip The Physical Oh, Nuts
The Salesman In Solitary Confinement Useful Office Phrases
Bearly Possible Some Random Thoughts Worst Caddie
For Your Kindness... Reasons To Ask
Your Boss For A Raise
Greeting Cards
I Read You... The Rabbit and the Bear The Right Sign
Blind Man In Texas From the Mouths of Babes Watch Out!
Questions to ponder... Deep Thoughts of Steven Wright God Will Help Me



Monday, January 31, 2000

Deep Thoughts of Steven Wright

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as  they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.  Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we   supposed to do ... write to these men?  Why don't they just put their   pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?  And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

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Sunday, January 30, 2000

God Will Help Me

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The man in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim says "That's ok, God will take care of me."
The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

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Saturday, January 29, 2000

Questions to ponder...

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

How can you tell if you're using invisible ink?

If exercise is so good for you, why do athletes need to retire by age 35?

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Friday, January 28, 2000

Watch Out!

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy,   Daddy, and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." The father thought this was  strange,   but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers,    "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother   died. The father began to worry about the situation.
Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Good-bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack.
The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He    stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

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Thursday, January 27, 2000

From the Mouths of Babes

For weeks a five-year old girl kept telling her first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at her house.

One day the mother allowed the little girl to feel the movements of the unborn child. The five-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, she stopped telling her teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the girl on her lap and said, "Mary, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Mary burst into tears and said, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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Wednesday, January 26, 2000

Blind Man In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

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Tuesday, January 25, 2000

The Right Sign

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers."
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

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Monday, January 24, 2000

I Read You...

Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.

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Sunday, January 23, 2000

The Rabbit and the Bear

Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, while they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog.
The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes.
You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well,  and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the
world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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Saturday, January 22, 2000

Greeting Cards

Jack was looking over greeting cards.
The salesman said, "Here's a nice one - 'To The Only Girl I Ever Loved.'"
"Great," said Jack. "I'll take six."

The salesman said, "Here's a nice one - 'To The Only Girl I Ever Loved.'"
"Great," said Jack. "I'll take six."

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Friday, January 21, 2000

For Your Kindness...

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in, and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool, and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head, and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck; and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm a'drawin' disability!"

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Thursday, January 20, 2000

Reasons To Ask Your Boss For A Raise

* You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

* The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

* Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

* You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

* You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

* All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

* You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

* You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

* You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

* You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

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Wednesday, January 19, 2000

Some Random Thoughts

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2000

Worst Caddie

After a long day on the course, an exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddie in the world."

No, I don't think so," said the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

Bearly Possible

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child!   What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.  So there he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.  And do you know what happened next?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."  The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

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Monday, January 17, 2000

Useful Office Phrases

1) Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5) I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
6) I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7) What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
8) I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15) How about never?  Is never good for you?
16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20) I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
21) Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
22) My toys!  My toys!  I can't do this job without my toys!
23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

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Sunday, January 16, 2000

In Solitary Confinement

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

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Saturday, January 15, 2000

The Salesman

  A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house.  A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.
  The salesman is a little startled by the sight so he asks, "Excuse me son, are your parents home?"
  The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, "What the hell do you think?"

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Friday, January 14, 2000

The Physical

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Oh, Nuts

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things,
and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

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Thursday, January 13, 2000

The Trip

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome?    Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber.  "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump!  That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.  So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.  The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful,"  explained the man,  "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited  on me hand and foot.  And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25  million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber.  "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?

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Wednesday, January 12, 2000

Clinton's New Home

What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York  abode?
There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area.

On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:

Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
Motel Sex

But the clear, hands-down winner was...DISGRACELAND

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Tuesday, January 11, 2000

Not Just the Lonely

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me.  I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.  No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem.  You just need to work on your self-esteem.  Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.   Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.   But say it with real conviction.  Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.   Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.   "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright.  For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied.  "My wife does.

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Monday, January 10, 2000

Life Clocks

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.  St. Peter was giving her a tour Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall.
Each clock displayed a different time of day.  When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move.  The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told."  Special attention was given to two clocks.  The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.  The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.  He only told two lies in his life. 
Hillary asked "where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office...  He is using it as a ceiling fan."

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Sunday, January 9, 2000

The Sales Pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which people do you think the government is going to send into battle first?"

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Saturday, January 8, 2000

Smoking Vs Sex

A man called into a local radio station and told the 'morning guys' that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

His reply: "Until my girlfriend breaks up with me."

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Friday, January 7, 2000

A Real Businessman

When the family came to America from Hungary my Uncle and his new brother-in-law decided to move their families to Arkansas. In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden.  Until he was 72, my Uncle used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.
Well, he had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer.   Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist. At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years. (Mules live a long time). After examinations of the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself. After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, my old Uncle made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him. Early the next day, my Uncle returned to be faced with some bad news.
"Jacob," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night.  I'm real sorry to have to tell you this.  I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."
Jacob replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it.   Where's the mule now?"
"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours.  But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."
Well, my Uncle loads up the mule and drives off.  A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jacob's place and is astonished to see him working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor.  Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jacob over and asks him how in the world he managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.
"Well", my Uncle explains,  "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment.  Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment"
"From you"
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jacob! You raffled off a dead mule?!  I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."

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Thursday, January 6, 2000

You're Not a Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the  stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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Wednesday, January 5, 2000

The Patient

A woman went to doctors office.   She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.  He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?   Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard."Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

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Tuesday, January 4, 2000

I Got Married

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me?   What's he like?  What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot..... I said RICH doctor!"

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Monday, January 3, 2000

Secret of Success

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office.  He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.   While I was in his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word." He responded.

"And, sir, What is that?"


"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

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Sunday, January 2, 2000

Three Guys

Three guys are walking on the road. Their names are Nothing, Crazy and Nobody. As they were crossing on a bridge, Nobody leaned over and fell in the water. Nothing alerts Crazy, "Quick call 911!"
Crazy arrives at a phone and dials 911. Frantically he shouts "Hello! I'm Crazy, I'm calling for nothing and nobody fell in the water!!"

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Saturday, January 1, 2000

The Magic Touch

A caravan of gypsies arrived in a small town in Kansas.  A local lady heard about this band of mystics and decided to see if a particular miracle worker tagged along with them. Asking around for this healer, she found herself inside a tent.  "Are You Bernardo the Miracle Man?" she asked the old man.
"Yes, I am," he replied, pleased to find someone interested in his services.
"Is it true that you clasped the ears of a deaf man and gave him the ability to hear?"
"Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.
"Is it true that you brushed your fingers against the eyelids of a blind man and gave him the ability to see?"
"Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo.
At this point she went outside of the tent and rolled in her husband who sat in a wheelchair looking lifeless.  "Well then, do you think you could help my husband?"
"I can try," Bernardo said.  "Is he paralyzed?"
"Even worse," she replied.  "He works for the state."

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